Sunday, 18 December 2011

Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Two days into the holiday... And I'm already shut up in the washroom undoing the damage. I knew it was going to happen, and I planned on it. Not so I could stuff my face every day... Just to keep me in the realm of sanity. Gives me a glimmer of control.

My mom's scale is far too complimentary to be the truth... So much so I realize I am much closer to my lowest weight than I thought. Which scale do I trust?... Easy: My scale. I'm a bit masochistic that way.

Why do we always listen to those who think the worst of us? Why do we remember bad times so much more vividly than the good? Why do I trust my scale over my mom's? I don't know if that is a product of my circumstance coupled with my perfectionist attitude.... Or if that just comes with the package deal of being human. Isabella gets after me about my not-good-enough complex (which, interestingly enough I only ever seem to apply to myself). And then she goes and flirts with B. Right in front of me. Stay classy Isabella. If I could disown you tonight..... I would. (reference the title of this entry)

I always thought I was an ana girl. But now that I have met Mia... We're all peas in a freakin pod. I never thought this would be my reality.

Love,

Ace
X

Thanks to: Skinny Love, xXxzapxfireXx, Stillimagining and Amber-Angelxo.

Friday, 16 December 2011

The End of Something is Just the Beginning of Something Else.

The semester is finally over. Today is my first official day of freedom. What have I done so far?

Weight trained. Made an omelette. Dusted the apartment. Vaccumed the apartment. Flat ironed my hair. Put on makeup. Painted all of my nails (fingers and toes, I mean. I don't frequently start painting them and wuss out before I'm done) Turned on the Christmas Tree. Prepared a plate of Christmas Cookies for a friend. Called my mom. Tried to study but then realized I have nothing to study for.

Isabella is at work. She got called in early. It's weird being the one at home. I'm usually gone until at least 3 in the afternoon, if not 6.

You know what's REALLY just grinding my gears today? How EVERYONE is so freaking grabby with your time. Everyone wants a piece of you. They all expect you to change all of YOUR plans to accommodate theirs (because theirs are ever-so-important and yours are.... less so.)

Example. My grad class (well, a few select whackos) is just dead set on all these STUPID fundraisers to fund our own personal class graduation party because we graduate a semester before convocation. Well, they've decided the best way to do this is to do a billion bar and pub nights. 10% of the class at least don't drink or go to bars, myself included. So we are forced to buy tickets to these stupid events that we have no intention of attending every month. And they won't do anything that we want to do. To add to this, they are all like OMG Kat are you coming to the pub night? You HAVE to come! And I'm all, no I am leaving for home as soon as I can. And they are all Kat oh my gosh it's ONE more day just come. It makes me want to hit them. I hate the bar scene, and I don't drink. Will this be fun? No. Will I take advantage of the free drink before 10 pm included with this stupid ticket?! No. Here, take this $20 and get off my back.

My ex boyfriend is texting me AGAIN.
"Come visit me!"
Yeah no, you're 5 hours away. If I'm going to drive 5 hours I'm going to my parents.

"So.... how much do you miss me?"
I haven't thought about you since we broke up. I've never missed you.

"Let's chill over the Christmas holidays."
Okay, it didn't work between us. Didn't work last June, last October, two years before that, or when I was 12 and you were 14. Hell, it didn't even work when I was writing you on your mission. It will NEVER work. Why? Let's not even get into the reasons why that is doomed for failure.



This guy sent out a mass text today about doing a toys for tots drive tomorrow at 11. I texted back very politely, saying if I don't go home tomorrow I would be there %100. He texted me back telling me to "Go home in the afternoon, come help brighten a child's day. It's like an hour out of your day." Couldn't help myself.... I said, "There's a thing called a grey hound schedule and word has it they're pretty set in their ways. :) Like I said, if I can find another ride later in the day, I'll come." As you can guess, I received no reply. Asshole.

What do all you people want from me?! Get the hell away. This is MY holiday. I want to go home and spend time with the people I actually CARE about. What are you people to me? A bunch of users, that's what. You all just want things from me. Have I ever asked any of you lot for anything?? NO. Will I? Hell no. UGH. I could just hit someone.

I need this vacation.


Love,

Ace
X

Monday, 12 December 2011

I think I get it now...

He just likes me for my body.... Which confuses the hell out of me. Whats so great about it anyway?? I'm thin, but not nearly enough. I have a long way to go before I will be satisfied. Every angle in the mirror unearths new imperfection. Every morning brings to light that again I have failed to progress. Every bite of food screams at me. "weak! Pathetic! Unworthy!" I just want it gone. All of it. Every bit of filthy fat that hangs off me.

It's like none of that is true. He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me tight to his side. His fingers trail down my back as I walk away. Squeezing me up against the fridge as he walks by... "oh, didn't see you there kit kat, you just disappeared."

"nice jeans rock and republic." He called me that for the rest of the night. Rock and republic.
Thank you for displaying so eloquently you've been staring at my butt.

I've missed you all, and I'm sorry for how absent I have been. Weight wise i have been ok. No progression, little to no regression(116-117ish). Still no period. Thank goodness. I would like to be 115 for Christmas, that would be the best present I could give myself.

Hello to new readers, I'm looking forward to getting to know you and your blogs. Stay strong Beautifuls, much love <3

Ace
X

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

115.5

"k, you seriously have like a perfect body."

Liar

"You're toned, AND you're so skinny!"

No, I'm not

"Is that from your ballet?"

No, it's from living on diet coke. And throwing up every time I eat something that isn't a vegetable. Obsessive weigh ins. Self deprivation. Water logging myself on an hourly basis.

But I don't say that. "Oh, yeah. That and eating right. Lots of vegetables."

"are you allowed to eat in ballet??"

"yeah, my coach force fed me and tripled my caloric intake so I could have the strength to finish my pieces."

Shit. Why did I say that? Now I just look crazier.


The last meaningful conversation with B, to date. As much as my head screamed at me not to listen to the lies, my heart loved it. Me? Skinny?

He sees perfection where I see a weak and crumpled mess. He looks at me and sees control, confidence, beauty.

For a moment I believed him.

Then Isabella told me what a scum he must be for bringing it up. "obviously you have a nice body."...... Nice? Nice just isn't good enough for me isabella. You shoul know that by now.

Thin thrills: thank you for your kind words. They meant so much to me :) much love <3

Ace

X

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

I don't even know if I care anymore.

Like.... one bad day and I'm back to square one. My body is like... Eff you Ace. You're gunna kick it around 116-118 forever. And there's not a danged thing you can do about it.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to stick it out right now. I feel like to get anywhere I have to keep it under about 500 cals a day.... and that's hard for me at the moment. So I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I want to say screw you body and stop counting calories..... but if I do I know I'll gain more. And on the flip side.. I am currently counting obsessively and still staying a constant weight. Frustrating? Yeah.

It's B's birthday soon. I think I'll bake him a cake. It's also Isabella's Birthday. Cake for her, too. Cake for everyone. Frick... with all this cake you'd think I'd get fat or something...... ha. I guess it depends on what the heck my body feels like doing.





I haven't had my period in months..... Should I worry about this??? I'm NOT thin enough to lose it, I'm sure. 5'6, 117 lbs? I should have a cycle.

Ace

x

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Holy sore throat batman.

Owwww :(

Maybe it will keep me from eating. I don't know how veggies and salsa is going to work out. Seems like it would burn. Yogurt and apple will be fine... And I'll probably buy more diet clue and drink tons of water. Isabella sent two packs of halls with me (she's back!!!) but those suckers are 15 cals a piece. So I have to watch how many I eat.

Isabella said I look thinner.... My dad said that too when he gave me a hug. I don't see it?! And the scale sure doesn't either. Weird body. Maybe it's just been a while since they've seen me.

Today is pretty much as follows:
School
Study
School
Home
Study
Supper
Bed.

Long day of academia. I was going to hardcore study yesterday... But then I just got so sick. Had a scalding shower and watched movies. Hopefully this sickness will play out quickly. I CANNOT be sick!!!!!!

Love,
Ace
X

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Tuesday bloody Tuesday.

Been hovering around 116-116.5 for the last few days... I really wanna push for under 116 this week. My dad came up to stay with me this past weekend which was lovely!... He took me out for lobster and of course I haven't been cooking hardly any meat so I went to town. It's seafood... Should be fine, right?? Wrong. Well, maybe. I don't know. I was pretty heavy last night so I knew I wasnt going to lose anything. But I'm glad I'm finally back down to my .5 pound comfort zone.

My mom called... And my grandma had a stroke... Post-op after her lumpectomy (yeah, she had breast cancer too.) she's insisting that it wasn't as bad as my grandpas stroke (which was completely incapacitating) but I can't help having the throw-your-hands-up-and-say-screw-it feeling. I'm so worried for my mom. She's having a really hard time lately.. And I know some of it is because of me. So I've turned over a cheery leaf. Theres no need for her to add my stress to her own. Ive been selfish and I needed to re evaluate. I think it will help to have someone to talk to that isn't falling apart in some way.

B. what a tool. He came and sat with me on Sunday (consequentially when I was sitting with a group of like 4 guys). He put his phone on the chair next to me and was like... Save my spot. So me being the attention starved twit I am was like okay!!! And so he sat with me, texting me and talking to me and flirting with me the whole time. Then... I was walking out and this other guy was like hey come to Sunday school with us! And B (who was rollin his eyes, sorta mocking the other guy) was like "yeah katelyn, come to Sunday school with us."......

My name is Kathryn. NOT katelyn. He knows this. He's not retarded. He's known me for over 2 months. So I just gave him this look of serious lack of impressed-ness. And he was like ahhh I mean Kathryn and it was like whatever.

I am lead to conclude that he really doesn't care either way. I'm just something pretty to play with when he's around.

Oh well, I didn't like him that much anyway.

Love,
Ace
X

Ps: thanks for the advice Used and Missinsanity. It would be great advice if i wasnt such a wimp lol :) You two are beautiful. I just dont know if I should put forth an effort anymore if it's just going to be like this? Maybe it's for the best I don't end up involved with him.... Xx

Friday, 21 October 2011

Exactly 116 even as of this morning.

I'm confused with B. like... I decided to be the bigger person and break the ice. He texted me ALL day, before and after his test until like 1130 at night. And like conversational texting... Not one word responses. So like... Do you text people you don't like for 7+ hours?? I didn't think so. But..... I haven't heard from him since then.

I'm not like a booty call... We've never hooked up. So what the heck??? Like is this normal? I shouldn't be so rattled but I feel so alone in this city. I haven't made alot of good friends yet... And I feel super comfortable with B. I don't want to lose a friend.

I just want to be important to someone... :/

Any pearls of wisdom?

Ace
X

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Finally broke 117.

... And on my mean scale too!! Two days in a row. So maybe it's real. :)

Horrible. One of the girls I performed with texted me over the weekend telling me another one of us had been in a car accident that killed her and the three others in the vehicle. She was 14 years old... And the sweetest little girl. She was brand new senior company... So I didn't know her super well. But something happens when you sweat and bleed with someone. Like... We were the girls who held hands and prayed before every performance and cried together when it was over. It doesn't even seem real. What is her baby sister going to do? Will she always miss her? And her brothers who are too young to know... Will they ask about her? Will they always be the kids with the dead older sister? The car had flipped over a safety rail into a creek... Was she afraid before she died? I don't know the answers... The only thing that makes it bearable is that I know she is with our Father in Heaven.

So B. I cracked and texted him first. He was under the impression I was mad or hated him or somethig.... But he is withholding what exactly gave him that idea. Oh please. Are we twelve? I told him about this weekend, about the news, and that I was sorry about not talking on Sunday. He immediately put on his shining armor and asked what I needed an if I wanted to talk about it. And promised me "anything you need kit kat, day or night." I told him company in my lonely apartment, he told me soon.

I have a midterm on Monday.... And we have only had 3 classes. Oversight? Yeah. Mini coronary last night. Just gotta drill it for the next few days. I also need to find a new safe portable food other than yogurt and rye crackers. Frick I'm getting sick of it. Any suggestions?

Bus is dropping me off soon. See you ladies on the other side.

Love,
Ace
X

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Square One.

It's a place I frequent as of late. 

So I went to this thing yesterday... it was like a Ball. You get a date, dress up, and go dance. Fun, right? Sort of. I got asked on Wednesday by this boy in my Institute Class.... He's cute and nice. Seems like a great arrangement.... until you account for a few other things. This OTHER guy (we're going to call him B) I've been friends with... well I've had like 3 separate people be like OMG Ace you two should get together. And I'm all trying to play it nice and cool being like "He's really cool! So we'll see." But somehow I just don't think he thinks I'm cool enough to date. 

It's confusing. Like he's super nice to me in both public and private. He has nicknames for me (that aren't derogatory..) and he texts me a lot and whenever we are in groups together he always hangs out with me. And he's always really close to me... if not touching me. But... I was at his house for a party one night and he was like (to me and my friend who told me I should date him) are you guys going to the Ball? And we weren't sure yet and so we asked if he was going. He said NO..... I have something really important to do that night. So my friend is all maybe he'll ask you! And he didn't. And he was there. With some kinda trampy looking girl. And he gave me a quick awkward head nod/wave and that was it. Along with some other unfortunate mishaps that night it culminated to a big fat failure of a Friday. And my feet killed from being in 4 inch heels all night.

... And then the meltdown began. I was so angry I was basically yelling at myself. Which is fine, because my apartment is (surprise surprise) empty. Isabella is gone AGAIN. I didn't dare eat anything, which was the biggest success of the day. So I was left with my own thoughts.. which went a little like....

 FFS Ace. Why WOULD he like you? You think you're the exception to the rule? HA! You're no different than anyone else in this bloody town. Just as mediocre. Just a piece of meat who can't stop stuffing her face. You're a girl with an eating disorder who's not even that skinny. Awesome. 

And then I cried. Hard. 

And then I prayed. For peace. For strength. For comfort. To get through the night. Then, out of no where... my cousin texted me that he wanted to make breakfast with me the next morning. I made scratch wheat pancakes... with fresh strawberries and scrambled eggs. I had two small ones, with lots of strawberries and some diet syrup. And some eggs. My cousin had 6 with 100% pure maple syrup. And berries and eggs. It was nice having another body in this house. Nicer than I realized it would be. 

I've been steadily chipping away at the weight I gained over the thanksgiving weekend... which was shockingly substantial. Somehow being down 3/4 of a pound since yesterday is a little insulting. Like... come on. Give me a bit more. 

So now.. I'm past square one with my weight. I'm at like... square one and a half. Square one with boys. Square one with friends. Square TWO with school... and square two with God. I'm trying really hard to have more trust. I didn't want to pray last night, but I knew I needed it. And I ended up having a lovely time with my cousin. 

My headache is back, I'll need another round of caffeine. Sorry I haven't been around much ladies. I'm still reading all of you and keeping as up to date as I can. I love you all. And I love your comments. It means a lot. 

Love, 

Ace
x


Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Paradox.

Isn't it annoying how you can eat absolutely nothing or absolutely anything and your your weight just does exactly how it pleases?

Or how people can complain and judge thin people all they want ("do you EVER eat??") but we constantly sidestep calling someone fat because it's rude?

Or how fat people comment on how massive portion sizes are and how they can't possibly eat it all.... But I know dang well I could take out the whole thing and still have room for dessert?

Or how we've rewired our brains to relish the feeling of hunger, pain, soreness, frailty and exhaustion? How is that possible? How does starvation make us feel strong? Why does less really equal more? How have we twisted ourselves into the exact opposite of what nature imposes?

Marvelous creatures, humans are.

Friday, 7 October 2011

A recap of how yesterday went. Had one class... A review for a big test on the liver. Huge huge relief... I don't have to know this concept called couinauds segments yet.... Which I was terrified for because my lab teh had GRILLED us on them on tuesday. I consequentially got to go home at 9 am.... Which I swear was divine intervention. I have been so tired! Isabella has been keeping me up talking on the phone about heaven knows what (her life and her problems f course). She is SO melodramatic it's to the point of comedy.

"there's nothing for me in this world!" ( yeah if that were true you'd be dead)
"I'm so much older than everyone else up there!" (tell that to the 32 year old creep who has been stalking me.)
"mom and dad should have said something to stop me from getting married!" (a. Dad BEGGED you to wait... Which brings me to point b. You would have done it anyways.)
"I'm so socially awkward. I can't do those activities that you go to." (yeah you're really socially awkward. That's why your lunch dates with your friends last 6-9 hours. And guess what? You have to get over yourself and go to the lame activities. Suck it up princess.)
"I want to go on a date with that boy! And make out with him! Blah blah blah...!" (Isabella. You can't decide you are going to hook up with HALF of my friends. Step off woman.)
"all you do is talk about yourself! You're so mean!!!" ( can I slap you now?)

It's so circular. Anyways. I cleaned the house, got some milk ad baked my dad a pound cake. I ended up having two slices for dinner... So I started purging. I purged Until my dad called to say he was here... By that point I had gotten well into lunch. :/ I'm only up half a pound which is better than usual with these sort of days. Sorry if that was too much for anyone.

I get to go home today. Finally. I can't wait. But first I have to give a presentation and also write a test. Hopefully it goes well. I think I'm ready. Pray for me girls. I'm praying for all of you.

Love
Ace
X

Ps: thanks fat piggy. You're so sweet. I will try to be safe... I feel more grounded wen I can tell all of you about it. Sure can't tell Isabella :)
JP: I loved your email!! I hope I hear back from you soon!!
Skinny love: I hope you are doing better. I'm here for you if you need anything at all.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

So..... I'm a purger now. Ivedone it Like every night this week. It's surprisingly easy, although I'm pretty sure I don't get all of it out.

Sigh. Funny how when you start something... There are limits. Borders and fences you build for yourself. Lines you swear you'll never cross. You try your best but despite your efforts you inch ever closer to the brink.... Then, you're faced with a choice. Do I let that ice cream sit in there? Let it turn into a nice layer of fat on my hips? Or....

....I could take care of it.

Sooner or later we all cross those lines, those boundaries we make for ourselves. And before you know it you're so far past the line it's just a distant memory. A shadow of the past we soon forget. And so you draw new lines fr yourself. New standards. New limits.

I wonder how far you can go before you fall off the edge of the world.

Love,

Ace
X

Thursday, 29 September 2011

So... Yep. I'm still here. I figured it was time to post.. To let you all know I am still kickin it.

I had a few more bad days since that last post... Isabella has been gone just shy of a week. I have no idea why she wont come home but I've become more acclimated to my solitary existence. I've been eating more treats than usual... Substituting them for actual food. Not wise. I just end up purging and having a killer headache after along with that awful taste in my mouth. Still hovering anywhere from 117.75-118.5... I think I might be getting my period soon. I never really know... It's always been irregular. And when I was thinner I lost it for about a year. The day I got it back... That was a dark day.

I've been trying to just be happy lately. I figure I just need to trust things will work out if I'm doing the best I can. There's nothing more I can do besides my best anyways. I have to trust that God and my family and my friends will be there for me. So that's my new thing. Do your best, hope for the rest, and go forward boldly with confidence. There is no point in wasting time worrying. That time is precious and better spent elsewhere ( like studying, in my case)

I think I will stop eating early in the mornings.... And just eat at like 9 or 10. Sometimes I can even get through the whole day without eating. Today I packed yogurt strawberries and a small apple. I would have not brought anything because didactic ends at ten... But I have to stay for lunch hour to practice scanning for a test I have Monday. I've been reading blogs and catching up this morning.... But I will comment on them later today.

Special shout out to all the beautiful comments on my last post.

JP. I just love you. You are such a wonderful friend and a beautiful person. You inspire me and lift me up and I am so grateful for that.

Thin thrills: your comment was so touching. My heart hurts for you and your suffering. We can all get through this. Together. I know it. Stay strong beautiful. You are deserving of a beautiful life.

Drink me: ain't that the truth :) best feeling in the world.

Time to get off the bus. Love you ladies. Stay strong.

Ace

X

Friday, 23 September 2011

Why am I still awake?

I haven't been up this late in a while. Isabella left to go home for the weekend... she's taking an eyelash perming course. She left before I got home from school and will be gone until probably Monday. I've watched 3 movies already. Showered. Ate. Drank a lot of diet pepsi. Read a little bit.... how is it still Friday?

Yesterday Isabella asked me if I was happy. In that moment I had no energy to lie.... so I told her the truth: something she doesn't often hear from me. I told her I wasn't. I told her that my life is so stressful and busy that I don't really have time to think about it. I don't have time to fully contemplate how desperately lonely I have become.

... Being alone these past few hours has brought it crashing down on me like high tide.

This feeling is like nothing else you could ever experience. It's a literal hole in your heart.... and the more you think about it the deeper it bores. It's chilling, crushing, and cruel. It hurts more than someone breaking your heart... because if it's broken at least it's been touched. I feel shriveled, ragged, and sick.

The silence is unbearable. The void is immeasurably black. The doors have been ripped off their hinges and exposed every skeleton I wished to hide. I have unearthed a terrifying truth: I pave the path to my own destruction.

I'd give anything in the world right now for someone to be here with me. Someone who knew me. Someone who could see past all the armor I wear. Someone who saw that deep in my heart, I am so very fragile. Breakable. Someone who could love me... and would make me feel safe. I'm so tired of taking care of just myself. I have never felt this emptiness.

The only things that keep me going are my prayers... and the scale. Here's to a lower number in the morning. Cheers ladies.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

All Isabella does is cry these days. Am I a bad person if the sound makes me crazy and makes me want to crack her across the face?

118.7

A loss is a loss is a loss.... Right?? We will go with that.

Thursdays are good days. One class. Tomorrow is Friday. Happiness.

There's a really cute boy in my church class I went to last night.... Like, REALLY cute. Will I date him? Probably not. But it's a nice thing to look forward to on a normally dreary Wednesday.

I spent half of yesterday consoling a bawling Isabella. Like... There are only so many times you can blather about the same thing and cry your eyes out and e hysterical before you are beating a dead horse. And believe me... She ran past that line and never looked back. Frick. How many times can you say "no, you aren't worthless. You are strong smart and certainly capable of anything you want to do." without getting bloody tired of it?? I need to count next time she has a meltdown. Which will probably be today. I don't think she got enough sleep last night... Which almost positively equals a boiling over of emotional fits.

I have this friend. He is a boy. NOT my boyfriend. He's cool and funny and makes me feel.... A little stressed. Stressed about being good enough. I like him, but I can already tell he won't do anything but disappoint me. So I'm trying to instead focus on the more important things. School, church, my blog.... We will call him B. So whenever I talk about B.... You now know why.

Anyway... One class then Isabella ad I are going downtown to get a refund on her tuition. Then.... Hitting the books hard. Test tomorrow.. Chapters to read and things to study. It's good though... I'm starting to find my pattern. Just gotta keep it up. I feel like I'm letting my relationships slip though. I haven't emailed this one friend of mine in weeks. I Gould do that today. Well, now I'm just rambling.

Special welcome to all my new readers. Thank you for your love and support. I will check out all your blogs soon!! And update my reading list.

Stay skinny!!

Love,
Ace

X

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The report.

Soooo... After my Sunday fast ( I ended up just not eating until Monday morning) I lost 1.25 lbs. I ate yesterday.. Egg whites, an apple, yogurt, a salad and some homemade spaghetti sauce. Kind of bad... But nothing after that! This morning I weighed in at 119 even. So that'd a pound and a half.. Which I'm happy about I guess.

Im probably doing another fast this Sunday. They are just a good day to do it. I get to sleep in and go to church for a few hours and I'm done. And it helps to start Monday off right with an empty body.

Speaking if which. Because of my fast and lack of fatty foods... My lab partner (the rude one) had the easiest time finding everything in my abdomen while she was scanning me. For me... It was a little harder because she EATS all the freaking time!!! Tons if fat too. Bagels and cream cheese, wraps with dressing, granola bars... It's like holy crap girl. Stop eating for five seconds.

Anyway. I have a bit of reading to do this morning so I better get to that. Much love to all you beautiful ladies. Think thin!!!

Love,

Ace

X

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Possibly TMI...

I apologize if this post is too graphic for some.... but I have a burning question.


Preface: I've been doing really good for the last while. I've resisted (without trouble) everything from doughnuts to timbits to chocolate to the fondue party yesterday. Food has been shoved in my face and I'm like... please. As if I'd eat that.

I have discovered a crack in my defenses: my own baking. I've never ever been a binger. Sure I'd eat too much now and again, but I never ate just to have something in my face. Tonight, I did. It was over before I even realized it happened, so I've spent the last two hours chugging probably 2 liters of water, doing cardio and purging as best I can. 

Question: When you purge.. does it come out bit by bit? Or a lot at once like when you are really sick? For me (right now at least) it's bit by bit... makes it hard to know how much has come out and how much is left to go. I'm sure I haven't purged enough... or I'd feel better, right?

One more confession: If I weigh low in the morning, I feel entitled not to restrict as much. Not consciously of course... it's just like an impression I have for the day. I know, it sounds SOOOO stupid.

Oh yeah, have oatmeal for breakfast and crackers at lunch. Carbs don't hurt THAT much... Someone slap me!! I don't deserve to not restrict for at LEAST 10 pounds. It aint gunna come off by it's freaking self! And sitting in a chair at school all day sure doesn't merit toast in the morning. I've GOT to get it together. 

I finished my binge at probably 5... so fasting until at LEAST 5 tomorrow. After that... foods allowed are going to be posted. Go check it out if you have a minute, if you have any comments BY ALL MEANS. Go for it!

This week is my week. I really don't want to become a purger... I'd rather just not eat at all. FRICK. It's taking forever to write this post. I keep having to run to the sink.... :\

I love you all. Thank you for reading and for commenting. Think thin ladies, you're beautiful.

Ace

x

I'll die to be perfect

Friday, 16 September 2011

I feel like someone injected an entire cloud right into my skull. You know that psycho ex of mine? The one I went on a huge rant about? Well he sent me a Facebook message asking me to let him "rest in pieces". Oh please. So I sent him one back and pretty much told him to grow up and get over the fact he was way out of his league... And that I learned my lesson ad would never let myself be treated like that again.

His roommate sent me a message back calling me a self righteous whore. And then said we would have words when he got back to town. I don't know why but I was convinced he was going to go to my parents house and do somethig terrible. I just lost it and started bawling. Isabella facebooked him back and said something to the effect of he'd get charged with assault if he talked to me again.

I didn't fall asleep until at least 130. Up at 630. Had to run to catch my bus... Which isn't a bad thing in itself. Just a stressor I didn't need this morning.

I'm alone this weekend. Isabella left to go see our sister and help with my niece's birthday. She won't be back until Saturday night. Late. Isabella practically shoved eggs and oatmeal down my throat.., but it was plain oatmeal and I only ate a little of the egg.

The day isn't nearly over and I'm wiped. Still have a two hour professionalism class, an hour meeting with joey, two hours on abdomen and an hour medical terminology test. After I need to go to the grocery store and buy a pineapple or something. Fondue party at a friends house tonight. Im not worried about resisting... I'm worried about people noticing.

Much love

Ace

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

First off... Thank you for the beautiful comments on my last post. You ladies are wonderful. It made me feel so much better. Love you all so much.

Nextly. I weighed this morning... 120.5. I have no idea where those two pounds went and I don't care. They just better stay gone. I am assuming that is due to ringing in at a little over 200 cals yesterday.

Third on the docket: I took my anatomy test today. And I think it went well. I for sure didn't fail!.. Results soon. The girl who is my mean lab partner brought me a doughnut. It was very nice of her... But dang is that ever inconvenient. Im just waiting for an opportunity to stuff it in my bag to throw out ASAP. "this will be good on the bus ride home!" what a good lie. :)

My intake today is already more than yesterday... But I needed a little brainfood for my test.

As of 2:30 pm
Egg whites. 35
Yogurt: 40
Apple: 80
3 rye crackers: 100
3 tbsp hummus: 120 ( I didn't eat it all but better safe than sorry)
1 tbsp cilantro nut paste: 100 ish
Cucumber and celery: 20

Running total: 395

I better start studying my medical terminology. Isabella and I are having a little party tonight... And I don't want to do any homework when I get home! So tired this morning... I thought I was gunna die. I'll update if I eat anything else.

Here's hoping for a smaller number tomorrow. Stay strong my Beautifuls!

Ace

X

Monday, 12 September 2011

Reality.. Checked.

Finally got a new scale. And it's not as kind as the one at home. Says I'm 6 lbs heavier than I thought. So that puts me at a whopping 122.5. Hurrah.

I had lab today... second day of scanning and I feel just as retarded as the first time. And to make matters worse my partner (who is this rude little brat that just graduated from HS) is like apparently bloody awesome at it. And I am just this moron who doesn't deserve to be there.

I feel so sad today. I listened to all my ballet music from this past year on the way home and just felt my heart sink deeper in my chest. It's like the light has gone out of me. There's no magic inside me anymore. Everything I loved about myself no longer applies. I'm an ex ballerina, an ex skinny girl, an ex overachiever.

This is strange because I was feeling good yesterday. I felt hopeful about my life and where it was going. I felt like I had a sense of control and footing... but the carpet was really ripped from underneath me today.

I'm sorry my posts have been such a drag to read lately. Thanks for continuing to read and comment, you ladies are wonderful and beautiful and a bright spot in my life. This blog is my only flicker of normalcy these days. Everything else is... out of my reach.

I love you all and hope you are doing well. Be strong, be safe.

Ace

x

Intake as of 2:00 pm:

2 egg whites : 34
1/2 cup yogurt: 40
1 medium apple: 80

As of 5:58 pm:

2 pieces celery: 30

Running total: 184

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Just some ramblings.

My mom was supposed to come up and visit today... and of course it's not happening.

After I had called her absolutely falling apart she said she would drive up Tuesday. Then it was pushed to Wednesday, and now Thursday. I'm so upset I feel like I don't want her to come up at all.

Intake has been 800 or less for the last two days. It's good in the fact that is less than 1000... and I'm not really trying to restrict. But I know it should be lower. Water is helping. I drink 1/2 a litre at breakfast, 1 litre throughout the school day and at least 1/2 a litre when I get home. Then 2 glasses with supper.

I was at school for 9 solid hours yesterday. I had a late afternoon lab, so I went for a swim during my break. Man I'm out of shape. My arms were so tired!.. So I think I'll keep doing that to lean them out a bit. Hopefully I don't bulk up... I don't think they can if I'm not swimming every day?

Not knowing what I weigh is killing me. I'm so scared it's going to be BAD when I get on. It's like weight has a mind of it's own and even if you don't eat much and don't eat bad things... if you don't watch it like a hawk it will creep up on you.... Just because it wants to torture you.

How amazing would it be if you saw a picture of yourself on someone's thinspo??

PS: Hello to all my new readers.. it's always nice to know more and more are listening :)

Much Love,

Ace

x

Sunday, 4 September 2011

"You're so thin. Did you know that?"

..... Says the 5 foot nothing 85 pound girl in my CPR class. Can you believe I thought she was talking to the bandage she was tying around my shoulder?



I hate when people do that. I can't tell if they are lying or not.

Friday, 2 September 2011

A new month, a new me.

I had a huge meltdown last night. Called my mom... Absolutley hysterical. I can't even remember what I was saying. You know this times where it doesn't feel like you saying it? Like you are just in your head listening?

This came about from the hellish nights f studying prior. I feel like there's no way I can stay caught up. My sister got me a bowl of ice cream... And I put it back. Egg whites and water for breakfast.. And I packed 3 tbps of hummus, 3 fiber rye crackers and an apple for lunch. And of course a big water bottle.

I'm wearing my thin jeans today. They did up no problem... But I would like them looser so I can wear leggings underneath.

The errand list never seems to get smaller...

Pick up scrubs
Exchange faulty lamp
Buy a hair straightener
Find the place I take CPR at
Buy more computer paper, ink, and binders.

Jeez. Hope you all have days of loss. Much love to you all.

Ace

Thursday, 1 September 2011

first.

.....because all the cool bloggers were doing it.

Totally overwhelmed with homework right now. I really should be studying medical terminology... And anatomy. And physics. And also my abdomen lab. And that's only the beginning.

I'm feeling less out of control today. Less insane. I'm eating more than I would like.... But it will be ok. My measurements are still the same. Which is good, yet bad. Bittersweet.

My jeans are loose enough to be comfy again... But I could do with a little more room.

Side note: I hate people that are ignorant about food. This girl in my year was telling me how my favorite salad from earls is SOOO unhealthy or whatever.... And meanwhile she is seriously super chunky. It's like... Yeah. Since I will take any food advice from you. At my fattest I'm half your size. And I don't ever have heart disease belly fat. So... Good one. Yeah go ahead and think avocado is bad for you. Eat your plate of white noodles and Alfredo sauce and not add any chicken "because of the calories." when it is actually all the white carbs giving you that nice belly you are sporting. Retard.

Sigh. People... I swear. Like I'm not as thin as I want to be right now.... But come on. My bmi is still right on the cusp of underweight and I'm eatin whatever the hell I want lately. Apparently I'm on to something.

Rant: over. Feel free to leave your thoughts on the subject. I better study so I don't get even more behind. Much love.

Ace

Monday, 29 August 2011

So... this is hard.

I don't know how I feel about this whole living away from home crap. Or this public transit crap. Or this getting up at 6 crap.

Lots of crap. LOTS.

I had my first day of classes today... and I have a hot date tonight!!... with my textbooks. Eff.

I've GOT to get my stress under control. When I stress I crave sugar. And then I cave. The only possible thing I have been doing alright is not snacking.

I don't even know what the hell I weigh, the new scale won't zero properly. So I have to take that piece back and find another one.

Living on my own is so much harder than I thought. I just got LEFT here. My mom and dad helped me get my boxes to my apartment... and then they said goodbye and drove home. I had nothing but a case of diet pepsi and my dad's birthday cake that I made for him in my fridge. I just don't know. I don't understand why they would leave me like this. I have barely even BEEN to this city before, much less driven or navigated it. I've never used a bus in my bloody life. I don't even have a lamp so I can see in my room at night (no overhead lighting...). I have no friends or family here except Isabella who's more lost within herself than I am. So I've been abandoned in a city of millions, alone and ill prepared. I missed my stop on the bus home today and ended up sitting on the whole loop it took... over an hour. I texted my dad in tears and the first thing he asked was if I made it to class or not.

...

Well of COURSE I made it to class. That's all that is important apparently. I'm scared, alone, sad and exhausted from BUILDING all my furniture I bought and hauled up to my 5th floor apartment... And I'm wicked stressed because I'm POSITIVE I've gained weight... but I can't weigh myself because this stupid scale I got is complete garbage and all they care about is if I got to school that day.

I can't breathe. It's like they don't even care I'm gone. Like they don't even miss me. They stuffed me up in this apartment like a book on a shelf. Another neatly compartmentalized part of their lives; tucked away to gather dust... indefinitely. "Yes, it was quite a good book, but I don't imagine I'll read it again for some time." That's what I am. But what they don't realize is they won't be able to just brush off the dust and start over at Chapter One. Who knows what I'll become by then.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel better. I'm quickly closing myself up from everyone around me. I can feel it. My fingers have completely slipped from the chokehold I had on my life. Everything is in flux. I just want to be alone. Small. Compartmentalized. Like a book on a shelf.












Thank you for your continued support through my weakness. It means more than you know.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Day 3 on the alien planet.

I'm really homesick. I don't Know. I'm eating. Not lots... But I am. Like, sandwiches and stuff. Isabella likes havin treats after supper... I don't know. She is watching me..

But I know I'm guilty. I'm guilty of weakness. Of desiring the treats. And eating them.

Ugh I suck.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Maybe the one time I was thin was my only chance. Maybe Ana just doesnt want me anymore. Maybe I'm just not good enough for her.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Home sweet home?

Sitting in my new condo with Isabella. She's talking about all her ideas about how she wants to decorate.... My mind is going a million miles a minute. If only i could run that far.

I haven't been able to weigh in two days and I'm FREAKING out. I splurged yesterday... On the birthday cake I made for my dad. And hauled in two coolers to the condo and assembled on site. Impressive. We had a long 9 hour day of moving... And hadnt eaten since breakfast which for me was plain oatmeal and egg whites. Went to red lobster for dinner so I had seafood and a few bites of corn on the cob. Had about two cups of cake with milk. Blah.

It was so yummy.... But I feel awful today. I have had a chicken pita and a little cake today... But I should be ok from here on out. There's nothing in my fridge but diet pepsi and fat free yogurt. I'm going to buy a scale tomorrow. A really nice one. And drink a ton of water.... And once I'm done this blog I'm going to fill my 32 oz bottle and start chugging. Maybe I can purge a little of what I ate today. But I doubt it.. I hate purging :(

Ugh I hope I didn't undo my tiny tiny amount of progress. Dammit.

Thank you all for the continued support and love! I'm getting back on track starting now. I will be strong for you all!!

Much love,

Ace

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

News from Pottery Barn.

Holy. I feel like I'm about to faint. We have been shopping FOREVER.... With no signs of slowing down. My intake has been ok.

Egg whites: 50
Greek salad, no dressing and easy feta: 75
2 oz of tzaziki: 70
Grilled chicken skewer: 154
Total: 349

I will probably have to eat more... I'm trying to not fall over and my sister can tell. I will do my best to keep healthy.

I dont know why I'm so exhausted.

Love,

Ace

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Okay. I'm better now.

Woke up this morning the same bloody weight. I went on a run, did crunches and inner ab exercises, oblique exercises, push ups and tricep pushups. Showered, had 3 poached egg whites.

Went and got immunized for MMR. Ugh. I haaaaaate shots. But at least it was only one. 

Had late lunch... half a cup of tuscan bean salad, about 2 cups of cabbage slaw boiled and covered in chili paste. And a few baby carrots.

That's putting me at...

Egg whites: 50
Bean Salad: 100
Slaw: 30
Carrots: 15

Total: 195





***




I feel sane again. Back in control. 

Egg whites in the morning really help kill my sugar, nay, FOOD cravings. I HAVE to make sure I eat them every day. That's the key to my control and subsequently.. the key to my success. That's it. I'm resolving. I'm resolving to poached egg whites EVERY DAY for the rest of my freaking life.


Much Love, 

Ace

PS:

Cally: I don't know if I can fully give up my caffeine. I just NEED it lol.... slow and steady. Hopefully I can eventually get off it.
Friend of Ana: I had to give up ballet to go to school this fall :( I did pointe exclusively... and you just can't keep your feet strong and calloused unless you train all the time. No such thing as a part-time ballerina, amirite!? :)

And welcome to all my new readers. I look forward to getting to know you and visiting your blogs :)

Coco Rocha. My New Inspiration. I will look like THIS.

Monday, 15 August 2011

I cracked.

... and ate. Well shit.


tabouleh and a little hummus with cucumber and carrots....

and then a 100 cal microwave cake and a few ounces of dark chocolate.

FML. F. M. L.
New iPhone! Now I can post all the time.

Goody.

Still 115.5.... But that's my own damn fault for having whipped cream at my going away dinner yesterday. I skipped breakfast today... Just had water. Woke up with a killer headache. I'm guessing that is from going from probably 5 or 6 diet pepsis a day down to one. Sorry, just not ready for that adjustment yet.

I found a new thing to obsess about... My arms. I seriously hate them. I've been slacking on my weight training so they are getting really undefined. Blagh.

My sister isabella is in the dressing room right in front of me. She looks good in absolutely everything. I can't bring myself to try anything on today. I feel so ashamed of myself. I've had steamed veggies and shrimp today.. I couldn't get around not eating.. My mom brother and sister were there. It was either that or starch. I just probably won't eat for the rest of the day.

Love,

Ace

P.s.

Friend of Ana:thanks for your continued support. Love you!!

Jp: yeah I was thinking the same thing.. Add in protein slowly and stuff like that. We ae absolutely all in it together. :)

Skinny love: I just bought two big cozy snoods. So excited to wear them!!

Cally: thanks for the support! It's not that great and I wish it was more but that's what you get when you don't stick it out lol.. Be stronger than me!

Saturday, 13 August 2011

115.5... Cool.

Yeaaahhhh! 1/2 a pound away from my first goal!

It's the 10 Day challenge.... day numero dos. It was difficult to not eat anything but fruit and vegetables yesterday. But the 2nd day is always easier! Great way to break my caffeine addiction. Slowly ease off my diet pop intake. I had way less than I usually do yesterday and I didn't get a headache. Probably because of all the water. Woo! Go water!

Well, one less thing to do off my To Do list. Shopping with my brother. Yeah, how about I don't do that anymore. He was beaking at my mom SO bad yesterday because he didn't want to go and get a new suit. 

And it isn't just that. He's super disrespectful of my mom, my dad, my grandma, me, and anyone else that gets in his way. So I just started calling his crap. He's all "You're gunna make me lose my temper" and I was like "Yeah ok. Go ahead. I dare you. What are you gunna do; hit me?" And of course he just ran off crying making up bold face lies like how I slam doors and beat him down all the time... and how we are told in church to not give up on people who are having a hard time (apparently him) and I told him to read the 10 Commandments and honor his father and mother. And then he told me he can't wait until I leave. 

Well, 7 more days buddy. Just hang in there. 

So whatever. I won't take him shopping and he can suck a rock. I don't care. He and my sister (which I will henceforth refer to as "Shirley") can just be useless and unproductive and selfish all they like. Ugh. 

Just for lack of confusion, I have two sisters living at home and one brother. Shirley is the sister who is screwing up her life and is a total taker. She never does anything for anyone else. And somehow she has turned herself into a total slut. I'm sure some of her dirty laundry will come out in this blog sooner or later....

 My sister who is moving with me we will name Isabella. She's more like me. We are very close... but we have our disagreements. I will name my baby brother Matt. So it's Matt and Shirley forming a little cult and then it's Isabella and Ace running like hell to get away from it. Exciting. Like a made for TV movie. 

I suppose it is time I eat something. I have to plan out how the heck I'm going to get this backpack I put on hold. It's 2 hrs away from me but Isabella suddenly doesn't want to take the shopping trip anymore. Crap.

Love,

Ace

PS: 

JP: Thanks for all the advice and guidelines!  At the end of the 10 days... How do you come off the diet so you don't gain all the weight back?
Skinny Love: Ahhh that's so lucky! My parents are letting us do that a bit too. They are giving us a couch! I think it's because my mom wants a new one :P But hey, I'll take it.
Friend of Ana: I just stopped by your blog!! And commented.. ha. Grats on your goal that's amazing!! And Yes... sweaters. I have a huge box of my winter sweaters I'm DYING to bust out. I can't wait!
Anna: I'll go check it out right now :)

EEEE Sweaters :)

Friday, 12 August 2011

10 Day Challenge?!

Yeah I know, I'm totally late to the party.

So apparently my fellow bloggers are having much success with THIS variation of the 10 Day Challenge:


10 Day

Breakfast-Sugar Free Red Bull (or other energy drink)

Lunch-Activia Light Yogurt

Snack Throughout All Day-Herbal Decaf Tea and as many Negative Calorie Foods as you want

Dinner-Fresh Fruit and Veggies


Sleep-7-9 Hours


Exercise-Yoga, Pilates, Weights, Cardio, Swimming, Anything You Feel Comfortable With


Weigh In-Every Morning and Post Stats as often as possible 

So if anyone has firsthand experience with this.... I despise the taste of Red Bull. What about Diet Pepsi? Would that work as a substitute? And everyone is mentioning vitamins... are these like calcium and multi vits or is there some special cocktail you are supposed to take?

For now I'm going to assume my DP is a sufficient substitute and go on my merry way. Day 1 has begun. 

***

My dad bought me a BED yesterday. And like a thousand pillows. Am I happy about this? Yes. Does it make me ok with moving? Heck no. What this will probably mean is I will spend a significant portion of my time in said sleeping area. Crying. Writhing. Hyperventilating. Blogging.

... does that burn many calories? :S

8 days. Holy crap. I think I might flip out. In that time I still have a hefty To Do List:....

1. Finish Packing
2. Take Little Brother School Shopping (he loves my style... and apparently my choices for him last year went over VERY well with the ladies... he's in grade 9. ha.)
3. Stock Up On School Supplies. I am legitimately OCD with lined paper. It was on sale for 25 cents at Walmart... I want to buy $5 worth.
4. Weasel a couple more Stay Warm items out of my parents. Namely... a plain grey hoodie, a full length puffer jacket, SOCKS, and maybe a scarf or two. I hear it gets mighty cold up in E-Town.
5. Lose 2.5 pounds. HOLY DINA. Get off my body already. 10 days... enough time? I would LOVE to be a total of 5 lbs lighter for orientation. Or more.... no. Stop it, don't get overly ambitious.
6. Buy a Backpack. This one is hard. I need one that is big enough to hold all my crap, stand out so I don't lose it but not geeky looking. Difficulties. 

I streamlined this list for interest's sake. I am pretty sure there are only so many tedious tasks everyone wants to read about. For example. It's not interesting to hear that I have to clean out the trunk of my car.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Friday. Wish me luck on this 10 day business. 

Much Love, 

Ace

PS: 

Skinny Love aka Meg: Thanks for the follow! I will follow you back as well. Good luck with your move too :) Are you finding it hard to figure out what the flip to bring with you?! I am. Ugh.
Friend of Ana: <3. That is all :)

I'd like to look like THIS for school. Too cute.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Little Ray of Sunshine

Down 1/2 a pound this morning. Happy Wednesday everyone!

10 days until I move... And my room, nay, my LIFE is a disaster. So much to do. My dad wants to take me shopping for dishes today... and he made me oatmeal this morning :) I'm seriously going to miss him. I'm such a daddy's girl.

My mom is taking time away from her work at church to help us move... which is so nice. She does so much volunteer work and service it's sometime hard to get a word in edgewise between phone calls.

I'm beginning to think that living with my sister might not be the picnic I had originally imagined. Thankfully I will have a hefty school schedule to compensate. And you guys, of course :) Which leads me to my next point...

....Thank you to all of my wonderful readers and followers. I am sure you all know how much brighter your day can be when you know others have your back. You're all such beautiful people... your words inspire me and keep me strong.

Have some thinspo.



Love,

Ace

PS:

Friend of Ana: I'm not sure how I got through that long with no water or caffeine. It seriously sucked!! But on the bright side it made me a lot more appreciative of water fasts :3 Love me some diet pepsi.
Haylen: Thank you again for your beautiful words! And I totally agree... when it comes down to it time is all we really have to give. It's the most precious and personal of gifts.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Relieved, but confused.

I didn't want to post until I had some good news... but here goes anyway.

From Saturday night till Sunday I did an absolute fast. No food, no water, no nothing. Religious purposes... but it fit nice and snugly in the "excuses" category. It was much more difficult without water and caffeine. After that: Sunday dinner... ham. I only had 2 pieces of sweet potato (which I LOVE). I had quite a bit of ham though, and lots of veggies and salad. And then... I had the last 1/4 piece of the coconut cake I had made for a bridal shower. Damnit.

The next day I was 117.5. Shit. I drank a ton of water... and mom made wheat pancakes for breakfast. They were small so I had two with diet syrup and berries. And spray whip cream... I love that stuff. After that I went to pick up my car (new windshield!) and on the way who do I see but the one person I hate more than life itself... my psycho old co-worker I had a thing with. FML.

That kinda screwed me for the rest of the day. Went to Costco and got lots of produce... came home starving. I was still reeling from the experience so I had tabouleh and hummus with cucumber, carrot, and celery. Later in the evening I had some fruit, and then we made stovetop popcorn. I never put butter on it, just salt. Thankfully, I was 116.5 this morning. As frustrating as that number is getting, I was relieved to see it.

Anyway. Back to the co-worker.

I've gotten over the guilt of being involved with him. I carried a lot of self hate for a long time. I used to have this uncontrollable burning hate... but now it has become a cold, dead, absolute loathing of his existence. I want him to know how much I regret every SECOND I spent with him. How below me he is. What a black, pustulant HOLE he was in my life. How filthy and disgusting and revolting I find him.

I want him to feel as bad as I felt. I want him to feel that cold wrench in his gut. I want to tell him what an absolute disgrace to humanity he is. How he will never be good enough to even look at me and how much I pity the next girl that comes along.

How dare he think he could have anything to offer me. What, a house that reeks of weed and cat litter? A cook's salary? Someone who can't be a man? Who will NEVER fit in with my family or the way we do things? Who hates everything I am because he's so insecure about himself? Yeah, good one. Hold on a sec, I'll just lower myself about a million notches down to your plane of squalor.

No no, don't get up when I walk into your fucking house. Just sit there, absently wave, and wait for ME to come to you. Oh, I'll never find someone who treats me as well as you? Yeah, the guy who buys me a dollar store tea set and a mug that says "Breaking chocolate into tiny pieces renders the calories harmless." for Christmas? The guy who baited me in with his "damaged" facade? The guy who took advantage of me and carried me down to his bedroom when I could barely open my eyes?

Yeah, fuck off.


...........................


...I'm sorry for the vent session. Anyway. Here's a bit of Thinspo for the day, cheers! (With water of course)



Love,

Ace


PS:

Haylen: Ana's the best listener. :) And I got this sweeto pair of runners, they are white and purple. Took em on their maiden voyage... they're a dream! I'll post a pic soon!!
Friend of Ana: Thank you for your support. It means the world to me! <3



Saturday, 6 August 2011

Temptation.

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. I ABSOLUTELY don't want to eat....Ugh all I want to do is eat! No. I'll be strong. I'll curl up as small as I can in bed tonight... maybe I can fall asleep before my stomach REALLY starts hurting.

Terrified to be 116.5 in the morning. I found myself actually TALKING to Ana the other day. Like, out loud. Like she was there with me. Does that make me crazy?

Love,

Ace

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Sigh.

Still 116.5. I'm running low on days to get this week's pound off.

So far today I've had 1/2 a cup of fat free yogurt and 1 apple.

I had a huge meltdown at the drugstore yesterday. I was really tired.. I had woken up at 3 am and COULD NOT SLEEP. So I watched 3 movies until it was time to weigh myself. No progress after a day of 230 cals. After that I had half a piece of toast and nutella. We were at the drugstore trying to stock me up for the Big Move... and all of a sudden I just wanted to go home. I felt like my deadbeat sister... non-contributing, selfish, and exceedingly naiive. I didn't WANT my parents to buy me tampons (I shouldn't have enough fat to support a period anyway). I started crying uncontrollably, and I wouldn't let my mom buy me anything. We went home and I sobbed at the table for the better part of an hour.

I apparently was super hungry, because before I knew it I had eaten probably 3-4 chocolate chunk oatmeal cookies (in dough, I hate baked cookies) and half a piece of a cake I had baked the day before. I felt weak and SICK, and decided not to eat for the rest of the day... then I broke and had two cups of broth before I went to bed.

I'm going to get running shoes today!!... or at least that's the plan. I've just been using the ones around the house, but I should get my own pair for when I move or I will have an excuse NOT to get off my butt and do something.

I'm getting really scared to move. I cry about it all the time... I don't know if it's all about moving away from home or if part of it is just the calorie deficit of dieting. I'm deathly scared of gaining the freshman-anything... so I will need this blog more than ever in the coming months. I think I just need to make sure I'm taking my vitamins and have lots of veggies and fruit. They'll keep me nourished but keep my calories at a minimum.

Hoping to weigh less tomorrow, I need a weight loss high.... SUPER badly. Ughg come ON 115. Get on my scale already!

Tiny: Thank you for the congrats! Hopefully I'll have some better news tomorrow <3
Molly: Thanks for following my blog :) I find your words SO inspiring.

*ps: I need to buy a scale for when I move... anyone have a particular brand they trust to be accurate?*

Much Love,

Ace

Monday, 1 August 2011

Week 1: Complete.

I'm 116.5 today. That's 2 lbs less than my starting weight. When have I ever lost 2 pounds in one week? Oh right, never. This is kind of awesome. I feel like I never have to give in and eat again. :)

My sister and I were talking a lot last night. We stayed up till probably 2 in the morning. We were talking about boys and our cute condo and school and our new lives... and getting married.

Maybe it's just my demographic... but it seems like the girls most guys like are "one of the guys". You know... they play contact sports and they don't dye their hair (or DO their hair, for that matter). They can outeat their guy friends and love holding other people's kids and they think flip flops and a peasant skirt is dressing up....


... I can't think of anything I dislike more.

What happened to women who like to be WOMEN? Women who take pride in beautifying and perfecting their homes, the things around them, and themselves? What happened to baking a birthday cake from scratch? Or wearing a dress to the grocery store? Red lipstick? Dare I say it, HEELS??

Where the hell did the dumbing down of femininity come from? Who is responsible?? Why is that even the slightest bit appealing?

I cannot be that girl. The girl who rolls out of bed and goes out in pajamas. The girl who burps in public. The girl who eats "normal" food. The healthy girl. That would be lying to myself. I'm not that girl. I'm not healthy. I don't want to be.

I want to be that girl that seems so effortless. The girl that doesn't try to be beautiful, she just is. The girl who's clothes drape off her like a hanger. The girl that has it all together... effortlessly.

Love

Ace

Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Drudgery.

I hate having my picture taken. I REALLY hate having my picture taken....








... I'm going to have my picture taken. For over an hour. AND I'm paying money for it.

Why? Because I'm moving away to school this fall and my friends are going to miss-me-so-much-and-we-won't-ever-see-you-so-we-need-these-pictures-to-make-memories-and-like-stuff-and-stuff!!....

UGH I hate people sometimes. I like my friends or whatever... but this just SO isn't my thing. At all. Wish me luck, I hope I live through it.

Love,

Ace

Friday, 29 July 2011

Finally.

This morning I am 1 lb below my starting weight. What a relief. The weight is finally budging! I'm on day 3 of my period... so I may or may not lose a little more when it's over. 

I'm off to Blaine Lake to spend some time with my aunt and uncle. Hopefully I'll be a little tan (and a little thinner) when I get back. Have a wonderful weekend beautifuls!

Love

Ace

Some Beachy Thinspo :))

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Worry?

I was getting frustrated about the scale not wiggling even a little bit... until yesterday when my monthly gift arrived. Hoorah. I guess that explains a little bit.

Today my sister wanted me to go shopping with her. Egg whites for breakfast, 175 mg of fat free yogurt for a snack. We went to Open Sesame with my cousin... (for those of you who haven't been... it's build your own stir fry) so I had shrimp and no starch, and had lots of bamboo shoots, bok choy, spinach, broccoli, and some tofu and a few oz of thin sauce... then loaded it with chili paste. My sister was crashing a few hours later for a snack, so we got no fat no sugar yogen fruz.... and then The Keg. Sigh. I had a piece of the bread, a french onion soup (picked out the croutons) and the spinach and pecan salad with the dressing on the side. Oh. And then she decided we should get the coffee ice cream pie.

I looked on the website later... and it was the lowest calorie option (besides the mini desserts) and I had half of it. I don't feel too bad right now, especially because we shopped for a good 6 hours (that's deducting our meal times and when we were sitting) so lots of walking around.

Planning on running in the morning. I ran yesterday and it felt much better than I remember it feeling. I think the lack of exercise was getting to my head. I'm used to around 10-15 hours of ballet a week. Going from that to next to nothing... bad idea.

Well, it is what it is. And I got some pretty stuff today :) Hopefully when my period goes some of the weight will go with it. I have a lunch date with my best friend at noon tomorrow.. I'll just skip breakfast. Already pre researched my selection. 300 cal salad. I'll put the dressing on the side to hack a little more off.

I'm so sleepy... I think it's time for bed. Was up at 7 today so it's been a long one. Hopefully the scale is kind to me in the morning.

Dream Thin Dreams

Love

Ace

Monday, 25 July 2011

Oh Mondays.

The weather was so depressing here today. Overcast, but not chilly. Just warm enough to feel like the damn global warming apocalypse is upon us. And deter you from your best efforts of being productive.

I was going to have yogurt for breakfast... but we only have kinds I don't like.... like plain. And lemon. So I had rice krispies and soymilk. I ended up throwing most of it out though. Then lunch rolled around and I had a bowl of green salad with balsamic vinegar and some ham.

Only effective thing I've done today was run errands with my sister. We got approved for the condo today! So looks like we DO have a safe place to live in the fall. Yay for not being homeless!

I got home and had some veggie straws and then deli chicken and sauerkraut. My mom made sweet and sour meatballs and brown rice... and then there's leftover cornbread from our BBQ last night. It was tough to resist... but I thought about the scale I'll have to face tomorrow and tada! It didn't seem so delicious.

Tell me this my beautiful readers... I had this boyfriend for a LONG time. He moved away for 2 years and then he came back... we wrote letters all the while. When he got back we started dating again... but I knew something was wrong and I shouldn't stay with him. So I broke it off. He has since tried to get back together with me but I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. I felt confident with my decision and a lot of relief.

NOW he is dating another girl... which is fine. But when I see pictures of the two of them on facebook or hear about them from other people my stomach just turns. I should not be upset because I don't want to be with him anymore or tie into the lifestyle he leads.... but I AM!! UGH. Jealousy is rearing her ugly head and I do not like it.

Is this a NORMAL response? I don't know what to do about it. I am used to just getting what I want. :\ I HARDLY get jealous. Maybe I'll feel better when I reach my 5 lb weight loss goal. Or when I get the hell out of this town.

Love

Ace

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Adjustments.

I read on another's blog yesterday that if you cut your goal up into smaller pieces, you are more likely to reach your end goal. It apparently keeps you from getting discouraged. So I'm going to do that.

5 lbs. 5 lbs by August 24th... a day before my orientation. A little over a pound a week. Pfff. Easy.

I also finally got up the courage to get on the scale. I knew I had to so I tried to eat as little as possible yesterday. So I'm going to weigh every morning.

Lastly, I need to buy a scale for when I move. Does anyone know of a good one?

Today is Sunday. Which means Sunday dinner. At least I'm home sick today, no one will say anything if I don't eat much.

Love

Ace

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Today I have eaten....

.... A cup of fat free yogurt and steamed cabbage with hot sauce. And 5 baby carrots.

It's 3:54 pm. 

Yesterday was bad. We were on the road all day... had to drive up and find a house. I had fat free yogurt for breakfast. By the time we were about 5 hours into our drive we stopped at Wendys... And I had a half size Berry Almond Chicken Salad... 270 cals. Less because I didn't use hardly any dressing or all the almonds... but for safety's sake we will go with that. After that we went to our appointments... and we took a break at around 3:45 and I had cucumber and carrots with hummus and tabouleh. Then... I had some chocolate. And on our way home I had about 6 oz of chili. (it came in an 8 oz bowl and I only ate part of it..) Then my dad decides he wants to go to Dairy Queen... so I had a small blizzard. Like 600 cals. So the damage is as follows...

Breakfast: 100
Lunch: 270
Snack: 350 (approx)
Chocolate: 300
Supper: 200
Dessert: 600
TOTAL: 1720.

Awesome. Whatever. Can't do anything about it now but try harder.

The good news is we found a place to live. A really nice 1200 sq foot condo with underground parking. Right by the bus station. It seems pretty safe too. So happy about that :)

We are apparently eating in about an hour. Salmon. And all sorts of carb-y disgusting things like buns and potato salad and stuff. Gross. I hate potato salad. It's all mayonnaise-y and eggy and white and sick. Blegh. Not even tempting.

Stay Stronger than Me. More soon. Love.

Ace

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Weird...

So yesterday I was sitting around... not doing much. I was wearing a pair of shorts. Little white ones I distinctly looking HORRIBLE in when I was younger. I got up, walked by the mirror... and did a double take.

My legs did NOT look disgusting. Sure, they need work. They need more tone and be a bit leaner. But... it was nice. It was nice to have a moment of lucidity and to not hate what I saw. I need a diet pepsi.

I now have a diet pepsi. :)

I realized something this morning. When I was at my thinnest.... I don't remember counting calories ONCE. All I remember is egg whites, cottage cheese and salad. Maybe that's the key for me. Maybe what I have to do is just eat ALL healthy food.... like safe ana food. The amount of planning calorie counting is taking is driving me ballistic right now. I have so much crap I have to get done for my move and for school.... Ugh I think I'd rather die than do any more mental adding. Maybe if I was less obsessed with food, I wouldn't care so much and therefore would have more self control.

Hey, it got me down to 109, and that's keeping ALOT of muscle tone. I could get lower if I had less.

I've been doing that method the last few days... plus some toast with peanut butter. It feels okay.

I went a bit crazy before... not bingeing or anything, just eating what I wanted when I wanted. Still good food... lots of green salad and lean protein. And then chocolate. Or ice cream. Or some other dessert I was dying for. I probably put a little weight on. I wouldn't know, I haven't been on the scale. Ugh I know it's bad.

My measurements are ABOUT the same... a little more on my bust. Weird. Hope I'm not getting back fat. My sister says she has noticed my boobs getting bigger, just like hers did when she was about my age. I guess that would be okay as long as nothing else did. My sister has a rocking body AND boobs.... and you can still see the bones in her chest. Lucky brat.

I'm going down to my uncle's cabin in about two weeks. Nothing but boating and tanning and wakeboarding for 4 glorious days. I'm really excited! My plan is to bring one pieces AND bikinis... and just wear what I want. I want to have a LITTLE tan when I get back at least.

I found a piece of thinspo to share... It really spoke to me. I have been feeling like maybe when I was thin before was the one shot I had at it.... and I messed it up. This made me feel better. More soon!




Ace

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Nerves.

Tomorrow is my next measure. You know those times when you are totally positive you've done ALL you can do and it's just like... "Come what may, I have nothing to be ashamed of!"?....

... this is NOT one of those times.

I had a good day yesterday: went on a run, ate really light... lots of liquids yogurt and fruit. Went to Xmen (which was fantastic).... had half a pita and a little light cheese for supper. Then I went to my cousin's lacrosse game and he came over afterwards to hang out.

My sister made peanut butter rice krispies. And I had to bake a cake for Father's Day. I figured I'd just have some of the rice krispies and be done with it... but then one of the layers of the cake ripped in half. So then I stupidly let myself try it.... and ended up eating 2 ramekins full with milk. I felt so sick I was incapacitated on the bathroom floor for about half an hour.

I somehow made it to the shower and turned the hot water on full blast and just curled up and stayed there for almost an hour.

Decided to just fast today... just polished off 32 oz of water. Gotta go refill my water bottle once I'm done this. I'll try to get out of going to supper... and if I can't I'll stick to green vegetables.

I need to rant for a minute....



I HATE FOOD. Food is SO SO SO disgusting!!! Look what it does to me.... it makes me so sick I can barely stand up. Ana warned me. She warns me every day. But do I listen? No, of course not. I tell her to cram it and then proceed to cram MYSELF... with food. UGH. Stupid stupid stupid. And what do I get for it?? Only what I bring upon myself. Fatness. Ugly dirty filthy FATNESS. It just PILES on you at any opportunity. I hate fat. I HATE fat. And food. Food = Fat!!!!!

I'm so disappointed in myself. I KNOW this happens. I knew when I took a fork to that layer of cake.

*sigh*

I guess all I can do is do better tomorrow... and remember how I felt today to prevent me from messing up again. I need to keep this feeling. This DETEST for anything sugary. It makes me sick to even think about it. I had to frost the cake and the syrupy smell made me SO sick.

I don't even think I like ice cream anymore. They pay me like crap but at least they've killed that vice. So THANK YOU MARBLE SLAB.

Terrified to weigh and measure tomorrow. Heaven help me.

Ace

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Oh. My. GOSH.

Today I'm 116.5. Hurrah :) Chipping away slowly... but I'm just glad it's budging.

So wow. I feel like for the most part I'm very health conscious and I know what I'm eating. I know the calorie content of most things and when I go out to eat I ALWAYS do my homework beforehand.

But today... I was at work and my sister brought me a Hot Dog from Costco. Granted... I would have preferred a salad or a wrap but I'm starving and it's that or ice cream.

As I took the tin foil wrapped dog, my mind started racing. Ok... it's 100% beef: check. There's no sugary relish: check. Hot peppers for spiking my metabolism: check. I will only have a little of the bun: check.

I tried to guesstimate the caloric value.... and thought... well Harvey's hot dogs are only about 250 cals so at the very worst I'm looking at around 350. So I went on my merry way and ate the dog and ditched more than 3/4 of the bun.

Came home and googled it.... 560 CALORIES for the dog and the bun (and condiments: ketchup, mustard, relish, and onions.) I was floored.... and slightly panicked. I rewound everything else I had eaten... and I just had oatmeal and soymilk for breakfast. Plus I didn't have the bun. So for my little joy ride into Calorieland I'm estimating a 500 calorie expenditure.... putting me at 690 cals for the whole day so far.

I'll probably have some fruit so I don't get too hungry tonight.... I still have 110 cals of slack.

So... now I know. Costco food is a big fat no no. Just goes to show you can't trust anyone. And there goes my $1.50 supper fall back for when I move away. Crap.

Ace

Monday, 13 June 2011

Epiphany

So I've realized something.....


..... it doesn't matter. It does not matter if ONE day I mildly break or downright SHATTER my (now) 800 cal/day budget. It doesn't matter if once in a while I am too tired to work out. It's not a big deal if I just freaking want a treat. And it sure as hell doesn't matter if I'm up a little bit on the scale during my period.

Ana doesn't care. She won't abandon me because I messed up or failed. She'll welcome me back with open arms.

I've been so busy worrying and worrying when there is nothing to worry about. I'll get to my goal weight.... soon. I just have to enjoy the ride on the way there. It's FUN to lose weight. Every time you're a little bit lower on that scale it's like BAM, euphoria. There's no high quite like it.

 I just have to work as hard as I can and don't stress myself out over things that have already happened. Stress can lead to weight gain anyway.

So ladies. We'll all get there. We have to sweat and work and bleed, of course. But there's no sense in letting ourselves be so stressed. We are too beautiful to be stressed. Let's be strong together.... in all ways. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. We are made of steel. Nothing can touch us.



Ace

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Panic.

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

How is it that food at work doesn't even phase me but the second I get home it's like... hello chocolate.

Am I really that stupid??

Crap. I ate like 1.5 times as much food as I should have..... FRICK.

I'm so weak. How do I expect to get ANYWHERE like this??







FLUID FLUSH starting tomorrow. Nothing but water and diet coke.

I'm SO stupid.

                                                                             Ace




EDIT: Weighed this morning... still 117.5. I almost cried I was so relieved. Fluid Flush is still the plan. We'll see how it goes.

Friday, 10 June 2011

3 days....

...1.5 lbs. Seems alright to me.

Weighed in at 117.5 today.

I've been at the ice cream store for 4 days in a row now. I think working there (with mostly fat people) works wonders for my self control. I'm SURROUNDED by candy and ice cream and chocolate for 8 hours at a time.

I have found a couple things that have helped a lot with temptation:

1. Take one look at the dunlop on your co-worker. See if you feel like ice cream THEN.

2. I kept a 20 oz cup filled with tap water and constantly sipped at it all day. Ended up refilling it probably 4 times. Today I'm just going to bring my 64 oz water bottle.

3. Grazed on around a cup of frozen raspberries and blueberries. It felt like a sugary snack... and I didn't feel so out of place (eg. not eating anything when everyone else IS.)

4. Having safe foods on hand just in case. It's a proven fact that you can endure pain for a longer amount of time if you know you can stop it if you want to. Just knowing I have a little something safe in my bag makes me feel less tempted.

5. I made a big ice cream with LOTS of butterfinger to take home... and gave it to my sister. She was having a bad day... talked to her ex-husband about getting documents to the lawyers and such. She can't stand him so one phone call is all it took to make her borderline crazy. Giving away my food makes me feel more in control.

6. I read the nutritional facts. Enough said.

Anyways. I go back for a 7hr shift with my boss's wife in about 20 minutes.... I'm not sure how that's going to go. Packing a water bottle and diet pepsi. I have 14 almonds in my bag and a 100 cal fiber 1 bar. I might throw in a 65 cal cheese package for good measure. Maybe I'll snack on a little more frozen fruit today as well.

It's probably important to keep grazing through the shift so I don't binge the second I get home. I just want a small hot supper and then maybe some diet yogurt. Has anyone ever tried freezing it?? I want to give that a go.

Tonight I want to watch My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I love wedding shows... they're my guilty pleasure. I have the house to myself until Saturday: just me my two sisters and the menagerie. Should be fun. Maybe I can lose another pound by the time the parentals get home.

                                                                         Ace

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

The Damage.

It's been two days since the show ended... and I couldn't wait anymore. I had to get on the scale and get out the measuring tape.

In the red corner, weighing in at 119 lbs. Ugh.

Measurements


Waist: 25 inches         Top of Thigh: 21.5 inches              Neck: 11.5 inches
Hips: 35.5 inches       Bottom of Thigh: 13.75 inches
Bust: 33 inches          Bicep: 10 inches
Wrist: 5.5 inches        Forearm: 8.5 inches

It's about what I expected it to be which is somewhat comforting. I was really really hoping not to go over 120.

Here's my plan so I don't burn out... (slow and steady wins the race):

Week 1: 1000 cals/ day, followed by a 1 day liquid fast
Week 2: 800 cals/ day, followed by a 1 day liquid fast
-Weigh and Measure- If there's lots of progress (ie 4lbs) I can go to Week 3a. If there's little progress, I'll skip down to Week 3b.
Week 3a: 800 cals/day, followed by a 2 day liquid fast
Week 3b: 600 cals/day, follwed by a 2 day liquid fast

So we will see how I'm doing in 2 weeks. That would be.... June 21st. I'm going to try to not get on the scale EVERY day.... maybe every 2 or 3 days. I'll blog and update whenever I do. That will keep me accountable.

All my clothes still fit despite the 5 lb weight gain. There's something to be said for that I suppose.

Hopefully it won't take too long to get back down to around 114 (where I was a month or two ago).... then the real fun begins. Anyways. Work awaits... so a quick little thinspo to get me going:



Ace