Monday 12 September 2011

Reality.. Checked.

Finally got a new scale. And it's not as kind as the one at home. Says I'm 6 lbs heavier than I thought. So that puts me at a whopping 122.5. Hurrah.

I had lab today... second day of scanning and I feel just as retarded as the first time. And to make matters worse my partner (who is this rude little brat that just graduated from HS) is like apparently bloody awesome at it. And I am just this moron who doesn't deserve to be there.

I feel so sad today. I listened to all my ballet music from this past year on the way home and just felt my heart sink deeper in my chest. It's like the light has gone out of me. There's no magic inside me anymore. Everything I loved about myself no longer applies. I'm an ex ballerina, an ex skinny girl, an ex overachiever.

This is strange because I was feeling good yesterday. I felt hopeful about my life and where it was going. I felt like I had a sense of control and footing... but the carpet was really ripped from underneath me today.

I'm sorry my posts have been such a drag to read lately. Thanks for continuing to read and comment, you ladies are wonderful and beautiful and a bright spot in my life. This blog is my only flicker of normalcy these days. Everything else is... out of my reach.

I love you all and hope you are doing well. Be strong, be safe.

Ace

x

Intake as of 2:00 pm:

2 egg whites : 34
1/2 cup yogurt: 40
1 medium apple: 80

As of 5:58 pm:

2 pieces celery: 30

Running total: 184

4 comments:

  1. I think it's easy to feel like a shell of yourself when you've previously defined yourself as something that's so unstable. You can't always feel skinny. You can't always feel like a good ballerina, even while you're still dancing. And you can't always be an overachiever, because that would kill you.

    Try to define yourself in some new ways. Then maybe you won't feel so ripped apart from yourself on the bad days that inevitably come for us all.

    How about telling yourself you're an excellent blogger, to start it off? Because you are.
    <3

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  2. you'll be alright. we all have days like this every once in a while.

    cheer up, kay?

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  3. I remember feeling that way for a long period in my life. But, I agree with Skeleton Strong, start new with who you expect yourself to be. Or, don't have expectations til after you've met new goals, made a new shell. Idk. I hope that helps. Plus, when you are like how we are, we are very emotionally unstable which causes us to have extreme ups and downs like being bi-polar. Maybe if you look at today as a passing emotion than it won't seem to hurt as much. When I am depressed I like to watch a tv series on dvd so I can just stay in that world for hours and ignore my own for a little while. I really hope you feel better, Doll. I love you. Stay Strong, Chin UP! And, I made a new commitment to pray/read morning, noon, and night. It's making a huge diff. Whatever your doing right now, just stop and go read! I promise things will start looking up for you!
    You are a sweetheart, always remember that!
    Jane

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  4. Part of growing up is re-defining yourself. It's very hard, I know from experience... But we all go through this. And people that don't are stuck in the past.

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