Sunday, 18 December 2011

Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Two days into the holiday... And I'm already shut up in the washroom undoing the damage. I knew it was going to happen, and I planned on it. Not so I could stuff my face every day... Just to keep me in the realm of sanity. Gives me a glimmer of control.

My mom's scale is far too complimentary to be the truth... So much so I realize I am much closer to my lowest weight than I thought. Which scale do I trust?... Easy: My scale. I'm a bit masochistic that way.

Why do we always listen to those who think the worst of us? Why do we remember bad times so much more vividly than the good? Why do I trust my scale over my mom's? I don't know if that is a product of my circumstance coupled with my perfectionist attitude.... Or if that just comes with the package deal of being human. Isabella gets after me about my not-good-enough complex (which, interestingly enough I only ever seem to apply to myself). And then she goes and flirts with B. Right in front of me. Stay classy Isabella. If I could disown you tonight..... I would. (reference the title of this entry)

I always thought I was an ana girl. But now that I have met Mia... We're all peas in a freakin pod. I never thought this would be my reality.



Thanks to: Skinny Love, xXxzapxfireXx, Stillimagining and Amber-Angelxo.

Friday, 16 December 2011

The End of Something is Just the Beginning of Something Else.

The semester is finally over. Today is my first official day of freedom. What have I done so far?

Weight trained. Made an omelette. Dusted the apartment. Vaccumed the apartment. Flat ironed my hair. Put on makeup. Painted all of my nails (fingers and toes, I mean. I don't frequently start painting them and wuss out before I'm done) Turned on the Christmas Tree. Prepared a plate of Christmas Cookies for a friend. Called my mom. Tried to study but then realized I have nothing to study for.

Isabella is at work. She got called in early. It's weird being the one at home. I'm usually gone until at least 3 in the afternoon, if not 6.

You know what's REALLY just grinding my gears today? How EVERYONE is so freaking grabby with your time. Everyone wants a piece of you. They all expect you to change all of YOUR plans to accommodate theirs (because theirs are ever-so-important and yours are.... less so.)

Example. My grad class (well, a few select whackos) is just dead set on all these STUPID fundraisers to fund our own personal class graduation party because we graduate a semester before convocation. Well, they've decided the best way to do this is to do a billion bar and pub nights. 10% of the class at least don't drink or go to bars, myself included. So we are forced to buy tickets to these stupid events that we have no intention of attending every month. And they won't do anything that we want to do. To add to this, they are all like OMG Kat are you coming to the pub night? You HAVE to come! And I'm all, no I am leaving for home as soon as I can. And they are all Kat oh my gosh it's ONE more day just come. It makes me want to hit them. I hate the bar scene, and I don't drink. Will this be fun? No. Will I take advantage of the free drink before 10 pm included with this stupid ticket?! No. Here, take this $20 and get off my back.

My ex boyfriend is texting me AGAIN.
"Come visit me!"
Yeah no, you're 5 hours away. If I'm going to drive 5 hours I'm going to my parents.

"So.... how much do you miss me?"
I haven't thought about you since we broke up. I've never missed you.

"Let's chill over the Christmas holidays."
Okay, it didn't work between us. Didn't work last June, last October, two years before that, or when I was 12 and you were 14. Hell, it didn't even work when I was writing you on your mission. It will NEVER work. Why? Let's not even get into the reasons why that is doomed for failure.

This guy sent out a mass text today about doing a toys for tots drive tomorrow at 11. I texted back very politely, saying if I don't go home tomorrow I would be there %100. He texted me back telling me to "Go home in the afternoon, come help brighten a child's day. It's like an hour out of your day." Couldn't help myself.... I said, "There's a thing called a grey hound schedule and word has it they're pretty set in their ways. :) Like I said, if I can find another ride later in the day, I'll come." As you can guess, I received no reply. Asshole.

What do all you people want from me?! Get the hell away. This is MY holiday. I want to go home and spend time with the people I actually CARE about. What are you people to me? A bunch of users, that's what. You all just want things from me. Have I ever asked any of you lot for anything?? NO. Will I? Hell no. UGH. I could just hit someone.

I need this vacation.



Monday, 12 December 2011

I think I get it now...

He just likes me for my body.... Which confuses the hell out of me. Whats so great about it anyway?? I'm thin, but not nearly enough. I have a long way to go before I will be satisfied. Every angle in the mirror unearths new imperfection. Every morning brings to light that again I have failed to progress. Every bite of food screams at me. "weak! Pathetic! Unworthy!" I just want it gone. All of it. Every bit of filthy fat that hangs off me.

It's like none of that is true. He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me tight to his side. His fingers trail down my back as I walk away. Squeezing me up against the fridge as he walks by... "oh, didn't see you there kit kat, you just disappeared."

"nice jeans rock and republic." He called me that for the rest of the night. Rock and republic.
Thank you for displaying so eloquently you've been staring at my butt.

I've missed you all, and I'm sorry for how absent I have been. Weight wise i have been ok. No progression, little to no regression(116-117ish). Still no period. Thank goodness. I would like to be 115 for Christmas, that would be the best present I could give myself.

Hello to new readers, I'm looking forward to getting to know you and your blogs. Stay strong Beautifuls, much love <3