Tuesday 9 August 2011

Relieved, but confused.

I didn't want to post until I had some good news... but here goes anyway.

From Saturday night till Sunday I did an absolute fast. No food, no water, no nothing. Religious purposes... but it fit nice and snugly in the "excuses" category. It was much more difficult without water and caffeine. After that: Sunday dinner... ham. I only had 2 pieces of sweet potato (which I LOVE). I had quite a bit of ham though, and lots of veggies and salad. And then... I had the last 1/4 piece of the coconut cake I had made for a bridal shower. Damnit.

The next day I was 117.5. Shit. I drank a ton of water... and mom made wheat pancakes for breakfast. They were small so I had two with diet syrup and berries. And spray whip cream... I love that stuff. After that I went to pick up my car (new windshield!) and on the way who do I see but the one person I hate more than life itself... my psycho old co-worker I had a thing with. FML.

That kinda screwed me for the rest of the day. Went to Costco and got lots of produce... came home starving. I was still reeling from the experience so I had tabouleh and hummus with cucumber, carrot, and celery. Later in the evening I had some fruit, and then we made stovetop popcorn. I never put butter on it, just salt. Thankfully, I was 116.5 this morning. As frustrating as that number is getting, I was relieved to see it.

Anyway. Back to the co-worker.

I've gotten over the guilt of being involved with him. I carried a lot of self hate for a long time. I used to have this uncontrollable burning hate... but now it has become a cold, dead, absolute loathing of his existence. I want him to know how much I regret every SECOND I spent with him. How below me he is. What a black, pustulant HOLE he was in my life. How filthy and disgusting and revolting I find him.

I want him to feel as bad as I felt. I want him to feel that cold wrench in his gut. I want to tell him what an absolute disgrace to humanity he is. How he will never be good enough to even look at me and how much I pity the next girl that comes along.

How dare he think he could have anything to offer me. What, a house that reeks of weed and cat litter? A cook's salary? Someone who can't be a man? Who will NEVER fit in with my family or the way we do things? Who hates everything I am because he's so insecure about himself? Yeah, good one. Hold on a sec, I'll just lower myself about a million notches down to your plane of squalor.

No no, don't get up when I walk into your fucking house. Just sit there, absently wave, and wait for ME to come to you. Oh, I'll never find someone who treats me as well as you? Yeah, the guy who buys me a dollar store tea set and a mug that says "Breaking chocolate into tiny pieces renders the calories harmless." for Christmas? The guy who baited me in with his "damaged" facade? The guy who took advantage of me and carried me down to his bedroom when I could barely open my eyes?

Yeah, fuck off.


...........................


...I'm sorry for the vent session. Anyway. Here's a bit of Thinspo for the day, cheers! (With water of course)



Love,

Ace


PS:

Haylen: Ana's the best listener. :) And I got this sweeto pair of runners, they are white and purple. Took em on their maiden voyage... they're a dream! I'll post a pic soon!!
Friend of Ana: Thank you for your support. It means the world to me! <3



3 comments:

  1. i sure do love a good vent session and this place is the best for it :-) sorry for the awful situation with him though... stupid boys.
    your next goal weight will come soon :-) only 1.5 pounds to go!
    i can't imagine fasting without caffeine and water... how did you do it?
    so glad you like my comments!
    <3

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  2. Ok I just got super excited over my little shout out just now :)
    Yay, new runners are awesome. And purple is one of my fav colours. So regal.
    Try not to get too caught up on feral boys. (Easier said than done)
    Think of him now as a measuring stick of what you DEFINITELY don't want for a relationship, or even a friendship. Anyone who makes you feel that way is not worth a second of your precious time. Time is the only currency, with friends its spent very easily.
    Chin Up sweet! Xx

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  3. Oh! I just love all the love here! Really, tho. BTW, what religion? I fast for mine too:D Not that it is important cuz we are now tied together through Ana and that is whats important. I love what Haylen said about the measuring stikk, I agree! And that Thinspo was delicious(metaphor), seriously beautiful photo!
    Stay Strong<3
    J.P.

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