Thursday, 27 October 2011

Holy sore throat batman.

Owwww :(

Maybe it will keep me from eating. I don't know how veggies and salsa is going to work out. Seems like it would burn. Yogurt and apple will be fine... And I'll probably buy more diet clue and drink tons of water. Isabella sent two packs of halls with me (she's back!!!) but those suckers are 15 cals a piece. So I have to watch how many I eat.

Isabella said I look thinner.... My dad said that too when he gave me a hug. I don't see it?! And the scale sure doesn't either. Weird body. Maybe it's just been a while since they've seen me.

Today is pretty much as follows:

Long day of academia. I was going to hardcore study yesterday... But then I just got so sick. Had a scalding shower and watched movies. Hopefully this sickness will play out quickly. I CANNOT be sick!!!!!!


Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Tuesday bloody Tuesday.

Been hovering around 116-116.5 for the last few days... I really wanna push for under 116 this week. My dad came up to stay with me this past weekend which was lovely!... He took me out for lobster and of course I haven't been cooking hardly any meat so I went to town. It's seafood... Should be fine, right?? Wrong. Well, maybe. I don't know. I was pretty heavy last night so I knew I wasnt going to lose anything. But I'm glad I'm finally back down to my .5 pound comfort zone.

My mom called... And my grandma had a stroke... Post-op after her lumpectomy (yeah, she had breast cancer too.) she's insisting that it wasn't as bad as my grandpas stroke (which was completely incapacitating) but I can't help having the throw-your-hands-up-and-say-screw-it feeling. I'm so worried for my mom. She's having a really hard time lately.. And I know some of it is because of me. So I've turned over a cheery leaf. Theres no need for her to add my stress to her own. Ive been selfish and I needed to re evaluate. I think it will help to have someone to talk to that isn't falling apart in some way.

B. what a tool. He came and sat with me on Sunday (consequentially when I was sitting with a group of like 4 guys). He put his phone on the chair next to me and was like... Save my spot. So me being the attention starved twit I am was like okay!!! And so he sat with me, texting me and talking to me and flirting with me the whole time. Then... I was walking out and this other guy was like hey come to Sunday school with us! And B (who was rollin his eyes, sorta mocking the other guy) was like "yeah katelyn, come to Sunday school with us."......

My name is Kathryn. NOT katelyn. He knows this. He's not retarded. He's known me for over 2 months. So I just gave him this look of serious lack of impressed-ness. And he was like ahhh I mean Kathryn and it was like whatever.

I am lead to conclude that he really doesn't care either way. I'm just something pretty to play with when he's around.

Oh well, I didn't like him that much anyway.


Ps: thanks for the advice Used and Missinsanity. It would be great advice if i wasnt such a wimp lol :) You two are beautiful. I just dont know if I should put forth an effort anymore if it's just going to be like this? Maybe it's for the best I don't end up involved with him.... Xx

Friday, 21 October 2011

Exactly 116 even as of this morning.

I'm confused with B. like... I decided to be the bigger person and break the ice. He texted me ALL day, before and after his test until like 1130 at night. And like conversational texting... Not one word responses. So like... Do you text people you don't like for 7+ hours?? I didn't think so. But..... I haven't heard from him since then.

I'm not like a booty call... We've never hooked up. So what the heck??? Like is this normal? I shouldn't be so rattled but I feel so alone in this city. I haven't made alot of good friends yet... And I feel super comfortable with B. I don't want to lose a friend.

I just want to be important to someone... :/

Any pearls of wisdom?


Thursday, 20 October 2011

Finally broke 117.

... And on my mean scale too!! Two days in a row. So maybe it's real. :)

Horrible. One of the girls I performed with texted me over the weekend telling me another one of us had been in a car accident that killed her and the three others in the vehicle. She was 14 years old... And the sweetest little girl. She was brand new senior company... So I didn't know her super well. But something happens when you sweat and bleed with someone. Like... We were the girls who held hands and prayed before every performance and cried together when it was over. It doesn't even seem real. What is her baby sister going to do? Will she always miss her? And her brothers who are too young to know... Will they ask about her? Will they always be the kids with the dead older sister? The car had flipped over a safety rail into a creek... Was she afraid before she died? I don't know the answers... The only thing that makes it bearable is that I know she is with our Father in Heaven.

So B. I cracked and texted him first. He was under the impression I was mad or hated him or somethig.... But he is withholding what exactly gave him that idea. Oh please. Are we twelve? I told him about this weekend, about the news, and that I was sorry about not talking on Sunday. He immediately put on his shining armor and asked what I needed an if I wanted to talk about it. And promised me "anything you need kit kat, day or night." I told him company in my lonely apartment, he told me soon.

I have a midterm on Monday.... And we have only had 3 classes. Oversight? Yeah. Mini coronary last night. Just gotta drill it for the next few days. I also need to find a new safe portable food other than yogurt and rye crackers. Frick I'm getting sick of it. Any suggestions?

Bus is dropping me off soon. See you ladies on the other side.


Saturday, 15 October 2011

Square One.

It's a place I frequent as of late. 

So I went to this thing yesterday... it was like a Ball. You get a date, dress up, and go dance. Fun, right? Sort of. I got asked on Wednesday by this boy in my Institute Class.... He's cute and nice. Seems like a great arrangement.... until you account for a few other things. This OTHER guy (we're going to call him B) I've been friends with... well I've had like 3 separate people be like OMG Ace you two should get together. And I'm all trying to play it nice and cool being like "He's really cool! So we'll see." But somehow I just don't think he thinks I'm cool enough to date. 

It's confusing. Like he's super nice to me in both public and private. He has nicknames for me (that aren't derogatory..) and he texts me a lot and whenever we are in groups together he always hangs out with me. And he's always really close to me... if not touching me. But... I was at his house for a party one night and he was like (to me and my friend who told me I should date him) are you guys going to the Ball? And we weren't sure yet and so we asked if he was going. He said NO..... I have something really important to do that night. So my friend is all maybe he'll ask you! And he didn't. And he was there. With some kinda trampy looking girl. And he gave me a quick awkward head nod/wave and that was it. Along with some other unfortunate mishaps that night it culminated to a big fat failure of a Friday. And my feet killed from being in 4 inch heels all night.

... And then the meltdown began. I was so angry I was basically yelling at myself. Which is fine, because my apartment is (surprise surprise) empty. Isabella is gone AGAIN. I didn't dare eat anything, which was the biggest success of the day. So I was left with my own thoughts.. which went a little like....

 FFS Ace. Why WOULD he like you? You think you're the exception to the rule? HA! You're no different than anyone else in this bloody town. Just as mediocre. Just a piece of meat who can't stop stuffing her face. You're a girl with an eating disorder who's not even that skinny. Awesome. 

And then I cried. Hard. 

And then I prayed. For peace. For strength. For comfort. To get through the night. Then, out of no where... my cousin texted me that he wanted to make breakfast with me the next morning. I made scratch wheat pancakes... with fresh strawberries and scrambled eggs. I had two small ones, with lots of strawberries and some diet syrup. And some eggs. My cousin had 6 with 100% pure maple syrup. And berries and eggs. It was nice having another body in this house. Nicer than I realized it would be. 

I've been steadily chipping away at the weight I gained over the thanksgiving weekend... which was shockingly substantial. Somehow being down 3/4 of a pound since yesterday is a little insulting. Like... come on. Give me a bit more. 

So now.. I'm past square one with my weight. I'm at like... square one and a half. Square one with boys. Square one with friends. Square TWO with school... and square two with God. I'm trying really hard to have more trust. I didn't want to pray last night, but I knew I needed it. And I ended up having a lovely time with my cousin. 

My headache is back, I'll need another round of caffeine. Sorry I haven't been around much ladies. I'm still reading all of you and keeping as up to date as I can. I love you all. And I love your comments. It means a lot. 



Tuesday, 11 October 2011


Isn't it annoying how you can eat absolutely nothing or absolutely anything and your your weight just does exactly how it pleases?

Or how people can complain and judge thin people all they want ("do you EVER eat??") but we constantly sidestep calling someone fat because it's rude?

Or how fat people comment on how massive portion sizes are and how they can't possibly eat it all.... But I know dang well I could take out the whole thing and still have room for dessert?

Or how we've rewired our brains to relish the feeling of hunger, pain, soreness, frailty and exhaustion? How is that possible? How does starvation make us feel strong? Why does less really equal more? How have we twisted ourselves into the exact opposite of what nature imposes?

Marvelous creatures, humans are.

Friday, 7 October 2011

A recap of how yesterday went. Had one class... A review for a big test on the liver. Huge huge relief... I don't have to know this concept called couinauds segments yet.... Which I was terrified for because my lab teh had GRILLED us on them on tuesday. I consequentially got to go home at 9 am.... Which I swear was divine intervention. I have been so tired! Isabella has been keeping me up talking on the phone about heaven knows what (her life and her problems f course). She is SO melodramatic it's to the point of comedy.

"there's nothing for me in this world!" ( yeah if that were true you'd be dead)
"I'm so much older than everyone else up there!" (tell that to the 32 year old creep who has been stalking me.)
"mom and dad should have said something to stop me from getting married!" (a. Dad BEGGED you to wait... Which brings me to point b. You would have done it anyways.)
"I'm so socially awkward. I can't do those activities that you go to." (yeah you're really socially awkward. That's why your lunch dates with your friends last 6-9 hours. And guess what? You have to get over yourself and go to the lame activities. Suck it up princess.)
"I want to go on a date with that boy! And make out with him! Blah blah blah...!" (Isabella. You can't decide you are going to hook up with HALF of my friends. Step off woman.)
"all you do is talk about yourself! You're so mean!!!" ( can I slap you now?)

It's so circular. Anyways. I cleaned the house, got some milk ad baked my dad a pound cake. I ended up having two slices for dinner... So I started purging. I purged Until my dad called to say he was here... By that point I had gotten well into lunch. :/ I'm only up half a pound which is better than usual with these sort of days. Sorry if that was too much for anyone.

I get to go home today. Finally. I can't wait. But first I have to give a presentation and also write a test. Hopefully it goes well. I think I'm ready. Pray for me girls. I'm praying for all of you.


Ps: thanks fat piggy. You're so sweet. I will try to be safe... I feel more grounded wen I can tell all of you about it. Sure can't tell Isabella :)
JP: I loved your email!! I hope I hear back from you soon!!
Skinny love: I hope you are doing better. I'm here for you if you need anything at all.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

So..... I'm a purger now. Ivedone it Like every night this week. It's surprisingly easy, although I'm pretty sure I don't get all of it out.

Sigh. Funny how when you start something... There are limits. Borders and fences you build for yourself. Lines you swear you'll never cross. You try your best but despite your efforts you inch ever closer to the brink.... Then, you're faced with a choice. Do I let that ice cream sit in there? Let it turn into a nice layer of fat on my hips? Or....

....I could take care of it.

Sooner or later we all cross those lines, those boundaries we make for ourselves. And before you know it you're so far past the line it's just a distant memory. A shadow of the past we soon forget. And so you draw new lines fr yourself. New standards. New limits.

I wonder how far you can go before you fall off the edge of the world.