It's been forever. I have missed you :)
Home for a two week break... and a ticked booked to go see my sister in Utah next week.
Weight wise... I'm higher than I would like to be. But I am staying about the same and I feel a bit better lately. I fluctuate from 107-109 usually... which I guess isn't too far from where I was. I think if I REALLY wanted I could get back down to 105 again... but I'm just not feeling it lately. Maybe sometime soon.
I'm keeping up on my running and my measurements are fine too... so I'm just going to try not to worry too much about it.
..... I'm still tight with Mia though :/
Disappointed with that. I've been trying to see her less... it was at least once (if not more) a night for a while.
I'm trying to find ways to just be happy. I feel like all I am is stressed out. Like I live off it. Stress and deadlines have been my driving life force for a long time. I think I feel like if I'm not stressed and holding my life in a chokehold then it will all fall apart. If I don't weigh every day my weight will creep up while I'm not watching. If I miss a run all my fat will come back. If I do bad on this test then I won't graduate. If I don't do the BEST on this test then I won't graduate. And then I won't get a job. Well, if I get a job I'll be bad at it. If I don't get married by this age then I'll suddenly get old and be alone forever. If I'm not the best then I'm just another loser. Obstacle after obstacle with no reprieve in sight.
Sometimes I don't think I want to get better. I don't want to have a healthy head. I don't want to give up Mia and Ana and all of it. If I am happy with me... then that means that I'll gain all the weight back. And I'll be ugly. I know I shouldn't define myself like that... but I like being thin. I like wearing the smallest sizes. I like not being able to share my clothes. I like when people comment on how great I look and how they marvel that I'm not 500 pounds with all the dessert I eat (thanks Mia, you're the best.)
It makes me feel like I'm living a lie. Like I'm completely enveloped in this beautiful illusion of carelessness. I try to make it seem effortless. Beautiful. Simple. Like I don't really notice it. But some days I would love to just tell everyone who asks me the real truth. How do I stay skinny? I run. I drink water. I purge.
I wish I was good enough to just eat what I eat and not have to puke it all up. Something will have to give. If I want to stay like this I'll have to stop eating so much dessert... or I'll have to keep purging. Both options suck from where I'm standing.
Anyways. I hope everyone is being safe and strong.
Thanks for all the lovely comments y'all left me. Makes me feel missed :) Welcome to all the new readers. I hope you find something you're looking for.