I apologize if this post is too graphic for some.... but I have a burning question.
Preface: I've been doing really good for the last while. I've resisted (without trouble) everything from doughnuts to timbits to chocolate to the fondue party yesterday. Food has been shoved in my face and I'm like... please. As if I'd eat that.
I have discovered a crack in my defenses: my own baking. I've never ever been a binger. Sure I'd eat too much now and again, but I never ate just to have something in my face. Tonight, I did. It was over before I even realized it happened, so I've spent the last two hours chugging probably 2 liters of water, doing cardio and purging as best I can.
One more confession: If I weigh low in the morning, I feel entitled not to restrict as much. Not consciously of course... it's just like an impression I have for the day. I know, it sounds SOOOO stupid.
Oh yeah, have oatmeal for breakfast and crackers at lunch. Carbs don't hurt THAT much... Someone slap me!! I don't deserve to not restrict for at LEAST 10 pounds. It aint gunna come off by it's freaking self! And sitting in a chair at school all day sure doesn't merit toast in the morning. I've GOT to get it together.
I finished my binge at probably 5... so fasting until at LEAST 5 tomorrow. After that... foods allowed are going to be posted. Go check it out if you have a minute, if you have any comments BY ALL MEANS. Go for it!
This week is my week. I really don't want to become a purger... I'd rather just not eat at all. FRICK. It's taking forever to write this post. I keep having to run to the sink.... :\
I love you all. Thank you for reading and for commenting. Think thin ladies, you're beautiful.
Ace
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| I'll die to be perfect |
i know exactly how you feel. some days it's like, there's a little less pressure if the scale looks better. and then there are those other days... bleah. but it doesn't sound stupid at all! :)
ReplyDeleteand like, when i purge it's the same. so i try not to. because i'm never sure about how well it worked until the next day. i feel happier when i just eat less. or not at all.
don't forget, you're beautiful too! ^^
Mostly, I can never tell if it's all come up. Except, every once in a while, I keep trying and nothing else comes up so...I figure I'm empty. Bit by bit and occasionally in bursts. Gross. I hate purging. I'd also prefer to starve. I think I either need a lot of pressure or not any in order to keep my fasts strong. This normal amount of life pressure is infuriating! I wish I was famous and had a pro chef and dietian. And, when food is being shoved in my face at events is the easiest for me to say no. Maybe so I have my chance to publiclly(sp), through body language or in some unsaid way, say, I'm skinny and that's bc I don't eat, which makes me more beautiful than all the other fat cows in the room. Damn! I'm such a cow for thinking such a horrid thought. I wouldn't tell anybody else but my Anas, tho. And, I never allow myself to eat carbs. But, I always go straight to them when I binge. So, maybe alotting yourself a little would prevent that. Idk. Hope anything I said helps. Love ya Doll!
ReplyDeleteStay Strong!
JP
It comes up bit by bit for me. I can tell when it's all up when the last bit tastes a lot like stomach bile and nothing else will come up - kinda like dry heaving.
ReplyDeleteBinging has been a terrible addiction for me. I used to restrict only, but now I can seem to stop the binge/purge cycle so my advice is stop while you still can.
I don't really purge (only when I'm drunk) and I have realised that without the helping hand of alcohol it comes up bit by bit and is really quite painful. I never feel like I've actually managed to get rid of what I've eaten.
ReplyDeleteI'm the opposite to the above, I'd rather purge than starve. I cannot say no to temptation - then regret it immediately after. I'm probably more of a lax fan than a purger though.
Another thing I identify with is seeing a good number on the scales then instantly letting myself go - you would think it would encourage us to keep going wouldn't you!
Anyway sorry to leave you a random comment, you left a really nice comment on someone elses blog and it made me come investigate you
xx