Friday 31 January 2014

House(sitting)bound.

Uhm. I'm so bored. I am so sick of babysitting. The girl is sick so all she is doing is watching movies... Which is fine, but I'm bored and lonely and just want to go home. Using the time to study though.... 

Yesterday I went back up to 114.5 (????) and today I'm down to 113.75. Sigh. It's so annoying when there is so little progress and you are fighting for every quarter of a pound. Looks like there's gunna be no splurge meal this week. 

I also did something stupid. I got Wendy's for lunch. I usually just get a chili salad and pick off the cheese and not use the dressing. I got this great idea today that I would get a half size apple pecan chicken and a small chili to be even more calorie conscious.... I picked off the blue cheese they drowned it in (gross) and used just a few drizzles of vinegarette. But being the genius I am I ate the whole packet of toasty pecans. So the whole meal came out to 466 cals. Disgusting. Can't even believe it. My breakfast was around 200-250 today (Greek yogurt and fruit). So I'm already clocking in at 716. Sigh. Not much wiggle room for the rest of the night. Oh well. At least I ate early. My plan is to hopefully go to bed STARVING tonight and see if that whittles down the number any. I just want to get this weight off. 

 All signed up at the gym and I went super early yesterday. It's right by my house ad work so it's really convenient. 

I can't wait to start work. I'm so bored sitting around the house. Board certification exams round one are next week.... Hopefully I can make a dent in this weight by then so I will be not so stressed about eating those two days. I cant afford to be fuzzy or lightheaded from restricting. I paid too much money to flunk these cuz I wouldn't just get over it and have a bowl of oatmeal. 

Can't believe it's February already! I would love to be under 110 by March. 

X

Ace

Wednesday 29 January 2014

Just a quick check in.

I was 113.25 before the weekend... but I've creeped back up to 113.5. I've been there for two days so hopefully today I can take a chunk out of that.

I'm housesitting starting today until Monday night. It shouldn't be too bad... They are both in school so I will have mornings to myself (namely to go home and study).. and my brother has a bunch of basketball games we can go to most nights.

So yay! Hopefully I get paid a decent amount. The mom stocked the fridge with tons of frozen crap food the kids always get when they get when the parents go away (taquitos, pizza pops, french fries...). She left me money on the counter to go buy whatever I wanted (SWEET) so I'll definitely be doing that....

My little twin nephews are coming over soon. Joy unbounded. They will probably be here all day. I better go get some breakfast or something.

Hope you are all having great weeks <3

x

Ace

Wednesday 22 January 2014

Kind of REALLY frustrated.

So I was 115.25 for like 4 days so I thought... ok. Day 5. This will be my big drop. I'll dip into the 114's. HA no. I was 115.75 this morning. I haven't eaten more than 900 cals for days.

Weight loss is supposed to be simple math right? Calories in, calories out. My BMR alone should more than take care of 900 cals. Well what the hell. I've worked out once if not twice every day and kept my calories down. I've drank water, not eaten late, and not eaten junk. I've been watching my meat intake and have done a bunch of vegetarian meals. Hardly ANY carbs... mostly in the form of fruit.

Hope you all have a more encouraging morning than mine.

x

Ace

Friday 17 January 2014

Reset.

So I decided to just get it over with and get out my own scale. Resetting all my numbers.

I gained the same amount I thought I did... but my scale I can just weigh ONCE and not have to keep readjusting it. My mom's doesn't zero out properly and it's 5 lbs lighter....

So my SW is officially 115.75 lbs. Makes sense. My lowest weight was 105... But more comfortable around 106. So about 10 lbs.

I haven't gained since yesterday (I weighed on my mom's scale first this morning...109.5 :\) and I DID have a a super salty dinner yesterday. Vietnamese. Shrimp in a salty spicy sauce with LOTS of lettuce and cucumber and bean sprout salad. So lots of fiber too. Might just be retaining. I hope?...

That boy came down yesterday. That's why we went out to dinner. We baked cheesecake brownies. And talked. It was fun!.... but I still don't think I like him THAT way. More as a friend. But nothing more. I didn't eat ANY of the brownies. Sent them all home with him. :)

I hope I have a drop soon. I haven't had one yet... My goal today is going to be less than 1000 cals. I haven't eaten anything yet... I probably should get some breakfast. I'll adjust my goal weights and then go do it.

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday. Happy weekend :)

x

Ace

Wednesday 15 January 2014

Willowy Wednesday

Ha. Not Willowy yet... but soon. I hope.

Yesterday was a vast improvement from Monday. I counted my intake calories... Monday was clocking in at around 1500. Disgusting. And as such my weight was up on Tuesday. But YESTERDAY my calories were around 770. So by halving my calories I'm down to 108 today. First goal: reached.

I am rethinking my whole mindset. I was looking thru thinspo the other day and I read this quote. And it said "Once you taste success it becomes addicting." SO true. Bad days happen. But berating myself doesn't motivate me. Success does. When I see that lower number on the scale or I see how few calories I've eaten it makes me feel strong. It makes me feel powerful. Like I can keep going. And starving. And restricting. And going to bed hungry is the best feeling in the world.

Funny how that is. When I'm skinny I love being hungry. I love going to bed empty. When I'm fat... I can't stand being hungry. I can't sleep when my tummy growls.

When I'm skinny the world makes sense. I have order. I have purpose. And it's coming back. The first goal reached is a nice milestone. Now it's time for real fat loss. I've gotta buckle down. Less than 1000 calories EVERY day.

I've also had an epiphany as to why just doing South Beach won't let me lose the weight. South Beach is for super fat people who are obese and eat terrible. It won't let me be underweight. Especially with unlimited proteins. I've realized... it doesn't REALLY matter what I eat as long as I don't eat a lot. I just have to stay on my calorie budget and work out. Like yesterday. For supper. We had split pea and ham soup. I was really really craving toast. Normally for me carbs are a big no no at night... so I would usually just have way more soup. But I would never be satisfied. So I had a tiny cup of soup and one piece of light wheat toast with butter spray. And then I was done. And I got my delicious toast.

So the boy who took me on that great date is coming down from the city tomorrow to see me. He wants to bake with me. He knows I bake a MEAN cake. Problem: I hate baking with other people. For several reasons. 1. I don't trust anyone to figure it out. They always mess it up. 2. Baking is super personal to me. It's something I love and while I'll bake FOR anyone I won't bake WITH anyone. 3. Baking is my decompress time. It's my me time. I don't want someone encroaching on my me time. 4. I don't want to eat that crap anyways.

So the date plan is this: Bake cheesecake brownies. While they are baking we can play cards or something. Then when they are done we will go get some supper. Then when we get back they should be cool and he can try one. Then I pop a lid on that puppy and say they're all yours, bon voyage. I'm trying to look forward to it but it seems more like a chore I have to do.

I dunno. He's a really good person. Cute, funny, and he opens doors and took me on a fantastic date. But I'm just so indifferent. Two good people but it just isn't clicking. I guess that happens sometimes. Maybe that's why I am sorta dreading it. I don't want to have an awkward moment where he tries to push it further or anything. I'm bad at talking about my feelings. I'm bad at saying no. I'm bad at boundaries. I usually stay far away so I don't have to deal with it.

This post is sickly long. I need to stop. I'm sure everyone's eyes are BURNING. Love you lovelies. Have a great Wednesday. :)

x

Ace

Monday 13 January 2014

Ahhhhh.....

It's Monday. It's a new week. I'm 108.75. Worked out. Made the brother a great breakfast and sent him off to his diploma exam. I get the house to myself today. The sister is gone.

Can't complain about that :)

She's gone. I lived. WOW. I can't believe it. I got straight up uninvited to the trip down to the airport/overnight hotel stay with them... She was working on her wedding thank you's while she was here... She wrote one for me. But left it on the kitchen table. Didn't even give it to me. The card said.... "Thank you for the beautiful baking gift! We can't wait to use them!" How about: Thanks for being my Maid of Honour because I have no friends. Thanks for doing the toast to the bride since no one else I asked would do it. Thanks for making me seem like a decent human being with some redeeming qualities. Thanks for all the help setting up my wedding, going to my appointments, working on table placements and making all the decisions I should have been making myself. Thanks for doing all the cleaning and the cooking and shopping I should have had an equal hand in. Thanks for running errands because I clearly can't do anything myself (seeing as I don't have a driver's license). Thanks for not being as awful to me as I have been to you and the rest of our family.

Rant: over.

The weight is probably MOOOOOSTLY water weight. But who cares. It's going down. Now I think the hard part is gunna happen. Where I actually have to lose FAT. Not WATER.

I think the best is gunna be to have my biggest meal be lunch. And my smallest be dinner. Medium breakfasts, tiny snacks. Clean foods. Lots of water and tea and caffeine.

Breakfast today was a beautiful fruit salad. Cantaloup, strawberries, blueberries and blackberries. I might have some yogurt in a bit. I've discovered the most amazing dessert/snack ever. Greek yogurt + cocoa powder + peanut flour + splenda or stevia. Stir stir stir. Pop it in the freezer for as long as you can stand not eating it. A VERY high protein, VERY low fat and creamy delicious sweet treat. It's so good I could hardly stand it when I tried it. Try it. Your life will be changed.


.... I just made myself some.  Didn't even put it in the freezer. So friggin good. Note to self: work on self control.

What are everyone's feelings on greek yogurt?... it's like a staple in my food these days. I eat it all the freakin time. 0% plain of course. But holy is it ever good. What are everyone's safe foods? Fear foods? Has it changed before?... I think I'll make a new tab. It'd be nice to have a list on here.

Hope everyone's Monday is a good omen for this week. Love you beauties.

x

Ace





Saturday 11 January 2014

Promises Promises

So, I promised. I got on the scale.

111. Holy balls. And that's on the "nice" scale. So it's more than that. Butttt I've decided that I'm just gunna go with that scale and not even think about mine. It's in the garage anyways. I'll dig it out and switch over when I get a little lower on this one. Baby steps, y'all.

I didn't pick the best day to get on the scale. After that B/P session yesterday my parents ordered takeout. I just had protein and shredded lettuce and cucumber (vietnamese) but that stuff is pretty salty. I can still taste it in my mouth a bit after brushing my teeth twice. Plus for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to drink a ton of diet soda. Which is all salt. I'm thinking I'm retaining some water today (durp... o.O)

I went for a run this morning in the cold. I can honestly say I have missed it. The treadmill and elliptical is NO substitute for that cold burn in your lungs. I bet I will feel a lot better if I just get running outside again.

So. I have 11 pounds to lose. I can do this. I just have to go back to the basics.

Veggies and Fruit
Fewer Carbs
Go to Bed Hungry
Nothing After 7 pm
Lean Proteins
Lots of Water

I wanna shy away from Mia too... It just gives me an excuse to eat crap I don't need. And that can't be good for my body.

HAWAII!!! Ughhhh I'm so excited!! Thanks for the feedback girls. I think I'll make it a goal to post. Hawaii would so not be worth it if I'm not confident enough to take pictures and REMEMBER it. I don't want to look back and be like... oh yeah. I really wish I had just tried harder to eat clean before I left. I wish I hadn't caved so much. I wish I wish I wish. I wishes SUCK. First and foremost I don't wanna disappoint myself... but I'd like to share my progress too. I wanna make y'all proud :)

Anyway. My little brother just came in. He wants Nutella stuffed pancakes. I make them for him every Saturday. We bought him this 11 pound Nutella jar for Christmas.... and so I'm making Nutella everything. HEY. I just realized. That's how much I need to lose. And that thing is effing massive.

..... Ew. That's motivation if I ever saw it.

Love you girls.

x

Ace

Friday 10 January 2014

Post B/P

Hate myself when I do this. Eat less at lunch so I figure I can have a little mini treat. And then I have more. And more. AAAAAND more. Dammit. 

No. NO. Stahp Ace, just stahp. 



I'm now screening calls from a boy I went out with. I figured he could leave me a message if he wanted. No message. Oh well. I really wasn't feeling it anyways. He's super nice and cute and took me on a great date.... but no spark. No crush. No nothing. And call me crazy buuuuut I kinda am wanting to feel that again. Like, I'd go out with him again sure. But I wasn't really dying to talk to him at this precise moment. I can just see that conversation. "Hey! What are you up to?" "Ohhh nothing. Just stuffed my face with cake and am working on reversing all that damage. Hold on while I run to the bathroom quick." Yeah. Nah, I'm good. Roll it to voicemail please and thank you. 

Anyway. We are going to Hawaii for Easter this year. There's my motivation for being good. Even better, maybe I should promise to post bikini pictures on here. Then I'll be in trouble if I don't. What do y'all think? It'll be my first time putting pics of myself up. Nervous, but this is probably the best place to do it. I'm sure y'all will all be sweet to me. Let me down easy XD haha!

Honestly I don't know how I'm going to be brave enough. I'm too scared to even get on the scale these days. Let alone put on a bikini. And take pictures. And post them. Oh man. I need to get a grip and just get on the scale. It always just seems so hopeless when it's always the same number though. I feel like weight loss for me never works unless I do serious serious restriction. I'm always 108 on my mom's scale, which is more like 113 with my evil scale. I went a whole week eating NOTHING but veggies and protein and guess what happened? Diddly squat. Firm at 108. Makes me frustrated. And then I go well eff it I may as well eat what I want. And then I regret it and purge which ISN'T helping me at all. 

Blah blah blah. Complain complain. Put on your big girl panties Ace. 

2 more days with the sister. I feel a bit like a monster for looking forward to the quiet.

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. Made me feel so much better :) Jax, Bella, SweetandsoUr and missinsanity <3 you are all so amazing and smart and wonderful. 

I'm going to get on the scale tomorrow morning. I'm going to. I promise. I'm going to get on the scale. Post my weight. Make new goals. Stop caving. Drink lots of fluids. I'm still working out so I don't need to worry much about that. It's time for a bit of a revamp I think.

x

Ace

Thursday 9 January 2014

Thursday Morning Thoughts

I need to get out of my house. 

My sister is driving my absolutely INSANE. She is visiting from AZ where she lives with her new husband of a few months. She was supposed to visit for one week (arrived on my birthday. Happy effing birthday to me) and then she had a total fit the night before we were supposed to drive her to the airport. You know. Alarms set. Ticket payed for. Car gassed up. I was going to get up at like 530 so I could fit in a workout before we went. But nope, not on her watch. She decided to have a meltdown and let her ticket go to waste and not go home till THIS Monday. 

Am I the only one who finds the fact she is perfectly happy to be away from her husband (and her dog she apparently loves so much) for TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS just a little bit dysfunctional? I don't even know why she wants to be here. All she does is sit in her room. She comes down briefly to get food and then hidey holes back up till the next mealtime. 

I can't even talk to her. It's all so freakin superficial. Every time she talks I feel like she's trying to sell me something. And I can't even say anything back because the venom absolutely pours out of me. I'm the worst version of my self when she's around. I can't even help it. 

Sometimes I just stare at her when she's talking. And the only thought in my head is "How are you alive right now?" Like... how does someone with that kind of deluded thought process even exist? It's amazing to me. 

Most of my parent's time and energy is going into my little brother right now. There is so much worship of that kid it's a little bit sick. My dad is a complete fanatic. He's just convinced he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. And CLEARLY an athletic prodigy (ha.)... No dad. He's not going to get scouted for basketball to college. He's a good athlete. But I can think of 20 things off the top of my head he would rather do than shoot hoops. He doesn't love the game. Just. Let. It. Go.

Sometimes it makes me crazy. It makes me want to do something. Something I know is bad for me. Like... go hook up with my totally slutty ex. I was about a hair away from sending that text last night. But my brain is too far ahead of my heart (or my va-.... nevermind) and I knew I would seriously regret it. What is it about being ignored that makes us crave misbehaviour? 

It's weird. When no one's watching we have all these urges to do things in secret.... but deep down we just want someone to notice that something's not right. Somehow I feel like even if things got really bad for me again they wouldn't see it anyway. Hell, I've been home for months and they've never noticed Mia moved in with me. Maybe they don't want to see.

I wonder if anyone actually knows. Isabella sure doesn't. She'd be right on me telling me to go to the shrink. She already thinks I should for my "body dysmorphia". She just thinks I don't eat enough. She knows I haven't had a period in FOREVER. She's always telling me I'm underweight. And you know what? That's one of the only things that makes me smile these days. 

x

Ace

Sunday 5 January 2014

Meltdown

I've GOT to get a grip. Like.... holy crap. I'm an even 1/4-1/2 an inch bigger EVERYWHERE.

I'm panicked and flustered. I need to find my grounding again. So upset... it takes so long for me to lose weight. I'm terrified to get on the scale and see exactly how bad the damage is.

The very tops of my thighs touch. It's awful to admit. It's awful to say it out loud.

I don't even think I've been eating that much more lately. Sure I've had some more dessert lately. It's the holidays.

Maybe I don't need to stress out that much. Maybe I just need to stop eating late at night and keep up on working out. I never took a break from the treadmill/elliptical.... so I guess that's good.

I feel bloated and full. All the time. I just want to feel empty again.

xo

Ace