Sunday, 19 June 2011


Tomorrow is my next measure. You know those times when you are totally positive you've done ALL you can do and it's just like... "Come what may, I have nothing to be ashamed of!"?....

... this is NOT one of those times.

I had a good day yesterday: went on a run, ate really light... lots of liquids yogurt and fruit. Went to Xmen (which was fantastic).... had half a pita and a little light cheese for supper. Then I went to my cousin's lacrosse game and he came over afterwards to hang out.

My sister made peanut butter rice krispies. And I had to bake a cake for Father's Day. I figured I'd just have some of the rice krispies and be done with it... but then one of the layers of the cake ripped in half. So then I stupidly let myself try it.... and ended up eating 2 ramekins full with milk. I felt so sick I was incapacitated on the bathroom floor for about half an hour.

I somehow made it to the shower and turned the hot water on full blast and just curled up and stayed there for almost an hour.

Decided to just fast today... just polished off 32 oz of water. Gotta go refill my water bottle once I'm done this. I'll try to get out of going to supper... and if I can't I'll stick to green vegetables.

I need to rant for a minute....

I HATE FOOD. Food is SO SO SO disgusting!!! Look what it does to me.... it makes me so sick I can barely stand up. Ana warned me. She warns me every day. But do I listen? No, of course not. I tell her to cram it and then proceed to cram MYSELF... with food. UGH. Stupid stupid stupid. And what do I get for it?? Only what I bring upon myself. Fatness. Ugly dirty filthy FATNESS. It just PILES on you at any opportunity. I hate fat. I HATE fat. And food. Food = Fat!!!!!

I'm so disappointed in myself. I KNOW this happens. I knew when I took a fork to that layer of cake.


I guess all I can do is do better tomorrow... and remember how I felt today to prevent me from messing up again. I need to keep this feeling. This DETEST for anything sugary. It makes me sick to even think about it. I had to frost the cake and the syrupy smell made me SO sick.

I don't even think I like ice cream anymore. They pay me like crap but at least they've killed that vice. So THANK YOU MARBLE SLAB.

Terrified to weigh and measure tomorrow. Heaven help me.


Thursday, 16 June 2011

Oh. My. GOSH.

Today I'm 116.5. Hurrah :) Chipping away slowly... but I'm just glad it's budging.

So wow. I feel like for the most part I'm very health conscious and I know what I'm eating. I know the calorie content of most things and when I go out to eat I ALWAYS do my homework beforehand.

But today... I was at work and my sister brought me a Hot Dog from Costco. Granted... I would have preferred a salad or a wrap but I'm starving and it's that or ice cream.

As I took the tin foil wrapped dog, my mind started racing. Ok... it's 100% beef: check. There's no sugary relish: check. Hot peppers for spiking my metabolism: check. I will only have a little of the bun: check.

I tried to guesstimate the caloric value.... and thought... well Harvey's hot dogs are only about 250 cals so at the very worst I'm looking at around 350. So I went on my merry way and ate the dog and ditched more than 3/4 of the bun.

Came home and googled it.... 560 CALORIES for the dog and the bun (and condiments: ketchup, mustard, relish, and onions.) I was floored.... and slightly panicked. I rewound everything else I had eaten... and I just had oatmeal and soymilk for breakfast. Plus I didn't have the bun. So for my little joy ride into Calorieland I'm estimating a 500 calorie expenditure.... putting me at 690 cals for the whole day so far.

I'll probably have some fruit so I don't get too hungry tonight.... I still have 110 cals of slack.

So... now I know. Costco food is a big fat no no. Just goes to show you can't trust anyone. And there goes my $1.50 supper fall back for when I move away. Crap.


Monday, 13 June 2011


So I've realized something.....

..... it doesn't matter. It does not matter if ONE day I mildly break or downright SHATTER my (now) 800 cal/day budget. It doesn't matter if once in a while I am too tired to work out. It's not a big deal if I just freaking want a treat. And it sure as hell doesn't matter if I'm up a little bit on the scale during my period.

Ana doesn't care. She won't abandon me because I messed up or failed. She'll welcome me back with open arms.

I've been so busy worrying and worrying when there is nothing to worry about. I'll get to my goal weight.... soon. I just have to enjoy the ride on the way there. It's FUN to lose weight. Every time you're a little bit lower on that scale it's like BAM, euphoria. There's no high quite like it.

 I just have to work as hard as I can and don't stress myself out over things that have already happened. Stress can lead to weight gain anyway.

So ladies. We'll all get there. We have to sweat and work and bleed, of course. But there's no sense in letting ourselves be so stressed. We are too beautiful to be stressed. Let's be strong together.... in all ways. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. We are made of steel. Nothing can touch us.


Sunday, 12 June 2011


Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

How is it that food at work doesn't even phase me but the second I get home it's like... hello chocolate.

Am I really that stupid??

Crap. I ate like 1.5 times as much food as I should have..... FRICK.

I'm so weak. How do I expect to get ANYWHERE like this??

FLUID FLUSH starting tomorrow. Nothing but water and diet coke.

I'm SO stupid.


EDIT: Weighed this morning... still 117.5. I almost cried I was so relieved. Fluid Flush is still the plan. We'll see how it goes.

Friday, 10 June 2011

3 days....

...1.5 lbs. Seems alright to me.

Weighed in at 117.5 today.

I've been at the ice cream store for 4 days in a row now. I think working there (with mostly fat people) works wonders for my self control. I'm SURROUNDED by candy and ice cream and chocolate for 8 hours at a time.

I have found a couple things that have helped a lot with temptation:

1. Take one look at the dunlop on your co-worker. See if you feel like ice cream THEN.

2. I kept a 20 oz cup filled with tap water and constantly sipped at it all day. Ended up refilling it probably 4 times. Today I'm just going to bring my 64 oz water bottle.

3. Grazed on around a cup of frozen raspberries and blueberries. It felt like a sugary snack... and I didn't feel so out of place (eg. not eating anything when everyone else IS.)

4. Having safe foods on hand just in case. It's a proven fact that you can endure pain for a longer amount of time if you know you can stop it if you want to. Just knowing I have a little something safe in my bag makes me feel less tempted.

5. I made a big ice cream with LOTS of butterfinger to take home... and gave it to my sister. She was having a bad day... talked to her ex-husband about getting documents to the lawyers and such. She can't stand him so one phone call is all it took to make her borderline crazy. Giving away my food makes me feel more in control.

6. I read the nutritional facts. Enough said.

Anyways. I go back for a 7hr shift with my boss's wife in about 20 minutes.... I'm not sure how that's going to go. Packing a water bottle and diet pepsi. I have 14 almonds in my bag and a 100 cal fiber 1 bar. I might throw in a 65 cal cheese package for good measure. Maybe I'll snack on a little more frozen fruit today as well.

It's probably important to keep grazing through the shift so I don't binge the second I get home. I just want a small hot supper and then maybe some diet yogurt. Has anyone ever tried freezing it?? I want to give that a go.

Tonight I want to watch My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I love wedding shows... they're my guilty pleasure. I have the house to myself until Saturday: just me my two sisters and the menagerie. Should be fun. Maybe I can lose another pound by the time the parentals get home.


Tuesday, 7 June 2011

The Damage.

It's been two days since the show ended... and I couldn't wait anymore. I had to get on the scale and get out the measuring tape.

In the red corner, weighing in at 119 lbs. Ugh.


Waist: 25 inches         Top of Thigh: 21.5 inches              Neck: 11.5 inches
Hips: 35.5 inches       Bottom of Thigh: 13.75 inches
Bust: 33 inches          Bicep: 10 inches
Wrist: 5.5 inches        Forearm: 8.5 inches

It's about what I expected it to be which is somewhat comforting. I was really really hoping not to go over 120.

Here's my plan so I don't burn out... (slow and steady wins the race):

Week 1: 1000 cals/ day, followed by a 1 day liquid fast
Week 2: 800 cals/ day, followed by a 1 day liquid fast
-Weigh and Measure- If there's lots of progress (ie 4lbs) I can go to Week 3a. If there's little progress, I'll skip down to Week 3b.
Week 3a: 800 cals/day, followed by a 2 day liquid fast
Week 3b: 600 cals/day, follwed by a 2 day liquid fast

So we will see how I'm doing in 2 weeks. That would be.... June 21st. I'm going to try to not get on the scale EVERY day.... maybe every 2 or 3 days. I'll blog and update whenever I do. That will keep me accountable.

All my clothes still fit despite the 5 lb weight gain. There's something to be said for that I suppose.

Hopefully it won't take too long to get back down to around 114 (where I was a month or two ago).... then the real fun begins. Anyways. Work awaits... so a quick little thinspo to get me going: