Valentines Day

What an unapplicable holiday to me. I'm single and I'm starving myself. HA.

111.25 today. I thought I was gunna gain today cuz I had popcorn pretty late last night. So a bit of a pleasant surprise there.

I'm all done my exams! I passed all of my American boards exams... but I have to wait for 4-6 weeks for results from the Canadian ones. I think it'll be fine though. They didn't feel like I failed. I start work this Tuesday. Finally! I'm going stir crazy over here.

I am worried that I'm used to doing nothing all day and it's going to be really hard to get back into working. But I guess we will see. I bought new scrubs too :) A light pastel blue set, a wine colored set, and a pair of black bottoms and a red top with black strips down the side. Pretty cuuuute :)

So. I gotta talk about Creepy Texty Boy. So I met him ONE time. Actually I don't even think it counts. I was talking to someone else and he just kinda interjected and introduced himself. So whatever. 2 minutes of actual interaction.

So he adds me on facebook. Uhhhhh ok I guess.

He messages me. I ignore it. He messages me again. And again. I ignore them.

He texts me (I did NOT give him my number.... and my listed number is the house phone). So I text him back to be nice (stupid...)

"Hey Ace! How's it going? It's CTB here!"

"Oh hey, going good. Just busy studying :)"

"Oh cool! Hey what are you doing Thursday or Saturday night??? Want to go out??"

"Sorry I can't. I'll be out of town writing my exams all weekend."

"Oh. Well how about this Wednesday? Does that work?"

"No I'm sorry I'm leaving for a different city Tuesday. I have exams on Wednesday too and won't be back till the evening."

"Oh ok! Seems like you have lots of exams. When are you done?"

"I have like 10 and I had to split them up so I'm pretty tied up for the next few weeks."

"Oh so the next couple of weeks you think? Tell ya what. I'll call you in two weeks and then we will celebrate you being done together. How's that sound?"

":)" (No lie. I sent the non committal smiley face)

So the time goes by and he likes all my photos and statuses... and sends me multiple texts I ignore 

Hey! How's it going? 

Hey how are the tests going?

Hey how many more tests do you have?

Hey

Hey!

Hey what's up?

The morning of February 12th comes. I write my final two exams. I did awesome. I'm the first one in my class to be board certified in two countries. *happy dance*

I facebook post. Cryptically. I put something like "Done done done done done. And also done. #done #dustsoffhands"

INSTANTLY he has commented on my post, liked it, sent me a facebook private message AND texted me. BANG BANG BANG. At 11 in the morning. On a WEDNESDAY. Who the hell with an actual schedule is on facebook at 11 in the morning on a Wednesday? And how did he see my post so fast? Does he have my stuff put on his alerts so he sees EVERYTHING?? I went ahead and read the private message so he could see that I read it and hadn't responded.

So he counters by inviting me to play the FB game <3crush<3 (complete with hearts)


.... I can't. Too much. TOO MUCH people.

Yikes. He was inviting me to go to this church event tomorrow (kind of a valentine's thing without the pressure of being an actual couple. Whatever. It's still valentines.) And in my head I'm like nooooooo...... Never.

So hopefully I can avoid him today. And tomorrow. And forever.

In other news. I think my little brother is my Valentine today. :) He's gunna take me for Steak Dinner at the Keg and I think I'm gunna give him some much needed girly advice. My plan is to eat light today and have a side dressing salad, top sirloin with grilled veggies and prawns and pass on dessert. The whole shebang shouldn't rack me up much more than 500 cals. Which IS a lot... but hey. It's all healthy stuff and it'll be fine. That's life. If I'm heavy tomorrow then I detox. I made him a big pan of sugar cookie bars last night. Half with vanilla buttercream and half with nutella buttercream.... but it's super awesome buttercream with two ounces of cream cheese in it. Just to make it that much more delicious.

Anyways. I better get going on this day. Happy Valentine's lovelies. Have wonderful days.

x


Ace

GW 2: reached.

I actually got to gw 2 a day or so ago... Yay me! 111.75 today. My thighs don't touch anymore... Thank goodness. Since gaining back some weight they were touching at the top when I put my feet together... It was driving me insane. Sooooo uncomfortable. So yay for thigh gap :) they are still not as straight as I want yet but hopefully in a few more pounds they will be.

So that puts me a little less than 6 pounds from my lowest sustained weight (106).. I hope when I get there it's enough. Something tells me it won't be. It's not too hard to maintain 106. Any lower and yep. It sucks. But maybe with some of the dietary changes I've made it will be easier than before. I'd like my bmi to be an even 17.0 which is 105.5 lbs for my height. I'll just keep going doing what I'm doing and see when I start to plateau. What I'd actually love is..... Double digits. But I don't know if I have the control to get there. It's fun to think about though.

Yesterday I went up north to write two of my board certification exams. I'm writing American and Canadian ones so that clocks me in at 10 highly stressful exams. I passed the two yesterday just fine... 8 to go! We leave today for the weekend. We are staying in a really nice hotel and are gunna make a weekend out of it :) 

I write one exam tomorrow morning and 5 on Saturday (eeeek!!!) I think the best idea is to just do little snacks to keep my brain working that day. 

Breakfast: 110 cals of oatmeal with sweetener.

Snack: 0% Greek yogurt (80)

Lunch: small whole wheat pita stuffed with veggies and lean meat (250)

Snack: Apple (80)

LOTS of caffeine. And water.

So that puts me at 520 at 5 pm. Then we will probably get some supper or go to a movie. I can easily get away with eating around 250-300 no matter where we go. I feel like 1000 cals a day isn't a lot until I surf around on the internet and find all the pro Ana forums with girls eating like what I eat for breakfast in a whole day!!... Fatty central over here. Sheesh.

Also on the checklist: I want to go to the Harry Potter exhibit again!! I've been once but I'm dying to go back. I also need to go to the sugar free store and get some more peanut flour... I swear I live off that stuff. And some sugar free flavored syrup. 

I need to drop off my grad fee and gown rental too. Convocation is in May and I'm really excited :)

Joined the gym. Man am I ever weak. I have this problem where I will lift weights till my arms are too tired to physically do any more... But the next day I'm not very sore. I do lots of different machines so variation isn't an issue. I worry that it means I'm not building muscle... I'll have to research it more and report back. 

Anyway. I better get packed up. We are aupposed to leave after lunchtime today. I should have been studying instead of writing this... But it's been a whole since I've posted anything worth reading at all. Not that this is über exciting or anything but hey what can you do.

Things I still need to write about: creepy fb texty boy, measurements, Hawaii thoughts, what I'm reading. 

X

Ace

I had a cup of homemade chili with skim cheese and two huge plates of green salad with a drizzle of diet dressing for lunch today..... 

.... I'm not sure how that's gunna go over. I feel massive. 

House(sitting)bound.

Uhm. I'm so bored. I am so sick of babysitting. The girl is sick so all she is doing is watching movies... Which is fine, but I'm bored and lonely and just want to go home. Using the time to study though.... 

Yesterday I went back up to 114.5 (????) and today I'm down to 113.75. Sigh. It's so annoying when there is so little progress and you are fighting for every quarter of a pound. Looks like there's gunna be no splurge meal this week. 

I also did something stupid. I got Wendy's for lunch. I usually just get a chili salad and pick off the cheese and not use the dressing. I got this great idea today that I would get a half size apple pecan chicken and a small chili to be even more calorie conscious.... I picked off the blue cheese they drowned it in (gross) and used just a few drizzles of vinegarette. But being the genius I am I ate the whole packet of toasty pecans. So the whole meal came out to 466 cals. Disgusting. Can't even believe it. My breakfast was around 200-250 today (Greek yogurt and fruit). So I'm already clocking in at 716. Sigh. Not much wiggle room for the rest of the night. Oh well. At least I ate early. My plan is to hopefully go to bed STARVING tonight and see if that whittles down the number any. I just want to get this weight off. 

 All signed up at the gym and I went super early yesterday. It's right by my house ad work so it's really convenient. 

I can't wait to start work. I'm so bored sitting around the house. Board certification exams round one are next week.... Hopefully I can make a dent in this weight by then so I will be not so stressed about eating those two days. I cant afford to be fuzzy or lightheaded from restricting. I paid too much money to flunk these cuz I wouldn't just get over it and have a bowl of oatmeal. 

Can't believe it's February already! I would love to be under 110 by March. 

X

Ace

Just a quick check in.

I was 113.25 before the weekend... but I've creeped back up to 113.5. I've been there for two days so hopefully today I can take a chunk out of that.

I'm housesitting starting today until Monday night. It shouldn't be too bad... They are both in school so I will have mornings to myself (namely to go home and study).. and my brother has a bunch of basketball games we can go to most nights.

So yay! Hopefully I get paid a decent amount. The mom stocked the fridge with tons of frozen crap food the kids always get when they get when the parents go away (taquitos, pizza pops, french fries...). She left me money on the counter to go buy whatever I wanted (SWEET) so I'll definitely be doing that....

My little twin nephews are coming over soon. Joy unbounded. They will probably be here all day. I better go get some breakfast or something.

Hope you are all having great weeks <3

x

Ace

Kind of REALLY frustrated.

So I was 115.25 for like 4 days so I thought... ok. Day 5. This will be my big drop. I'll dip into the 114's. HA no. I was 115.75 this morning. I haven't eaten more than 900 cals for days.

Weight loss is supposed to be simple math right? Calories in, calories out. My BMR alone should more than take care of 900 cals. Well what the hell. I've worked out once if not twice every day and kept my calories down. I've drank water, not eaten late, and not eaten junk. I've been watching my meat intake and have done a bunch of vegetarian meals. Hardly ANY carbs... mostly in the form of fruit.

Hope you all have a more encouraging morning than mine.

x

Ace

Reset.

So I decided to just get it over with and get out my own scale. Resetting all my numbers.

I gained the same amount I thought I did... but my scale I can just weigh ONCE and not have to keep readjusting it. My mom's doesn't zero out properly and it's 5 lbs lighter....

So my SW is officially 115.75 lbs. Makes sense. My lowest weight was 105... But more comfortable around 106. So about 10 lbs.

I haven't gained since yesterday (I weighed on my mom's scale first this morning...109.5 :\) and I DID have a a super salty dinner yesterday. Vietnamese. Shrimp in a salty spicy sauce with LOTS of lettuce and cucumber and bean sprout salad. So lots of fiber too. Might just be retaining. I hope?...

That boy came down yesterday. That's why we went out to dinner. We baked cheesecake brownies. And talked. It was fun!.... but I still don't think I like him THAT way. More as a friend. But nothing more. I didn't eat ANY of the brownies. Sent them all home with him. :)

I hope I have a drop soon. I haven't had one yet... My goal today is going to be less than 1000 cals. I haven't eaten anything yet... I probably should get some breakfast. I'll adjust my goal weights and then go do it.

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday. Happy weekend :)

x

Ace

Willowy Wednesday

Ha. Not Willowy yet... but soon. I hope.

Yesterday was a vast improvement from Monday. I counted my intake calories... Monday was clocking in at around 1500. Disgusting. And as such my weight was up on Tuesday. But YESTERDAY my calories were around 770. So by halving my calories I'm down to 108 today. First goal: reached.

I am rethinking my whole mindset. I was looking thru thinspo the other day and I read this quote. And it said "Once you taste success it becomes addicting." SO true. Bad days happen. But berating myself doesn't motivate me. Success does. When I see that lower number on the scale or I see how few calories I've eaten it makes me feel strong. It makes me feel powerful. Like I can keep going. And starving. And restricting. And going to bed hungry is the best feeling in the world.

Funny how that is. When I'm skinny I love being hungry. I love going to bed empty. When I'm fat... I can't stand being hungry. I can't sleep when my tummy growls.

When I'm skinny the world makes sense. I have order. I have purpose. And it's coming back. The first goal reached is a nice milestone. Now it's time for real fat loss. I've gotta buckle down. Less than 1000 calories EVERY day.

I've also had an epiphany as to why just doing South Beach won't let me lose the weight. South Beach is for super fat people who are obese and eat terrible. It won't let me be underweight. Especially with unlimited proteins. I've realized... it doesn't REALLY matter what I eat as long as I don't eat a lot. I just have to stay on my calorie budget and work out. Like yesterday. For supper. We had split pea and ham soup. I was really really craving toast. Normally for me carbs are a big no no at night... so I would usually just have way more soup. But I would never be satisfied. So I had a tiny cup of soup and one piece of light wheat toast with butter spray. And then I was done. And I got my delicious toast.

So the boy who took me on that great date is coming down from the city tomorrow to see me. He wants to bake with me. He knows I bake a MEAN cake. Problem: I hate baking with other people. For several reasons. 1. I don't trust anyone to figure it out. They always mess it up. 2. Baking is super personal to me. It's something I love and while I'll bake FOR anyone I won't bake WITH anyone. 3. Baking is my decompress time. It's my me time. I don't want someone encroaching on my me time. 4. I don't want to eat that crap anyways.

So the date plan is this: Bake cheesecake brownies. While they are baking we can play cards or something. Then when they are done we will go get some supper. Then when we get back they should be cool and he can try one. Then I pop a lid on that puppy and say they're all yours, bon voyage. I'm trying to look forward to it but it seems more like a chore I have to do.

I dunno. He's a really good person. Cute, funny, and he opens doors and took me on a fantastic date. But I'm just so indifferent. Two good people but it just isn't clicking. I guess that happens sometimes. Maybe that's why I am sorta dreading it. I don't want to have an awkward moment where he tries to push it further or anything. I'm bad at talking about my feelings. I'm bad at saying no. I'm bad at boundaries. I usually stay far away so I don't have to deal with it.

This post is sickly long. I need to stop. I'm sure everyone's eyes are BURNING. Love you lovelies. Have a great Wednesday. :)

x

Ace

Ahhhhh.....

It's Monday. It's a new week. I'm 108.75. Worked out. Made the brother a great breakfast and sent him off to his diploma exam. I get the house to myself today. The sister is gone.

Can't complain about that :)

She's gone. I lived. WOW. I can't believe it. I got straight up uninvited to the trip down to the airport/overnight hotel stay with them... She was working on her wedding thank you's while she was here... She wrote one for me. But left it on the kitchen table. Didn't even give it to me. The card said.... "Thank you for the beautiful baking gift! We can't wait to use them!" How about: Thanks for being my Maid of Honour because I have no friends. Thanks for doing the toast to the bride since no one else I asked would do it. Thanks for making me seem like a decent human being with some redeeming qualities. Thanks for all the help setting up my wedding, going to my appointments, working on table placements and making all the decisions I should have been making myself. Thanks for doing all the cleaning and the cooking and shopping I should have had an equal hand in. Thanks for running errands because I clearly can't do anything myself (seeing as I don't have a driver's license). Thanks for not being as awful to me as I have been to you and the rest of our family.

Rant: over.

The weight is probably MOOOOOSTLY water weight. But who cares. It's going down. Now I think the hard part is gunna happen. Where I actually have to lose FAT. Not WATER.

I think the best is gunna be to have my biggest meal be lunch. And my smallest be dinner. Medium breakfasts, tiny snacks. Clean foods. Lots of water and tea and caffeine.

Breakfast today was a beautiful fruit salad. Cantaloup, strawberries, blueberries and blackberries. I might have some yogurt in a bit. I've discovered the most amazing dessert/snack ever. Greek yogurt + cocoa powder + peanut flour + splenda or stevia. Stir stir stir. Pop it in the freezer for as long as you can stand not eating it. A VERY high protein, VERY low fat and creamy delicious sweet treat. It's so good I could hardly stand it when I tried it. Try it. Your life will be changed.


.... I just made myself some.  Didn't even put it in the freezer. So friggin good. Note to self: work on self control.

What are everyone's feelings on greek yogurt?... it's like a staple in my food these days. I eat it all the freakin time. 0% plain of course. But holy is it ever good. What are everyone's safe foods? Fear foods? Has it changed before?... I think I'll make a new tab. It'd be nice to have a list on here.

Hope everyone's Monday is a good omen for this week. Love you beauties.

x

Ace

Promises Promises

So, I promised. I got on the scale.

111. Holy balls. And that's on the "nice" scale. So it's more than that. Butttt I've decided that I'm just gunna go with that scale and not even think about mine. It's in the garage anyways. I'll dig it out and switch over when I get a little lower on this one. Baby steps, y'all.

I didn't pick the best day to get on the scale. After that B/P session yesterday my parents ordered takeout. I just had protein and shredded lettuce and cucumber (vietnamese) but that stuff is pretty salty. I can still taste it in my mouth a bit after brushing my teeth twice. Plus for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to drink a ton of diet soda. Which is all salt. I'm thinking I'm retaining some water today (durp... o.O)

I went for a run this morning in the cold. I can honestly say I have missed it. The treadmill and elliptical is NO substitute for that cold burn in your lungs. I bet I will feel a lot better if I just get running outside again.

So. I have 11 pounds to lose. I can do this. I just have to go back to the basics.

Veggies and Fruit
Fewer Carbs
Go to Bed Hungry
Nothing After 7 pm
Lean Proteins
Lots of Water

I wanna shy away from Mia too... It just gives me an excuse to eat crap I don't need. And that can't be good for my body.

HAWAII!!! Ughhhh I'm so excited!! Thanks for the feedback girls. I think I'll make it a goal to post. Hawaii would so not be worth it if I'm not confident enough to take pictures and REMEMBER it. I don't want to look back and be like... oh yeah. I really wish I had just tried harder to eat clean before I left. I wish I hadn't caved so much. I wish I wish I wish. I wishes SUCK. First and foremost I don't wanna disappoint myself... but I'd like to share my progress too. I wanna make y'all proud :)

Anyway. My little brother just came in. He wants Nutella stuffed pancakes. I make them for him every Saturday. We bought him this 11 pound Nutella jar for Christmas.... and so I'm making Nutella everything. HEY. I just realized. That's how much I need to lose. And that thing is effing massive.

..... Ew. That's motivation if I ever saw it.

Love you girls.

x

Ace

Post B/P

Hate myself when I do this. Eat less at lunch so I figure I can have a little mini treat. And then I have more. And more. AAAAAND more. Dammit. 

No. NO. Stahp Ace, just stahp. 

I'm now screening calls from a boy I went out with. I figured he could leave me a message if he wanted. No message. Oh well. I really wasn't feeling it anyways. He's super nice and cute and took me on a great date.... but no spark. No crush. No nothing. And call me crazy buuuuut I kinda am wanting to feel that again. Like, I'd go out with him again sure. But I wasn't really dying to talk to him at this precise moment. I can just see that conversation. "Hey! What are you up to?" "Ohhh nothing. Just stuffed my face with cake and am working on reversing all that damage. Hold on while I run to the bathroom quick." Yeah. Nah, I'm good. Roll it to voicemail please and thank you. 

Anyway. We are going to Hawaii for Easter this year. There's my motivation for being good. Even better, maybe I should promise to post bikini pictures on here. Then I'll be in trouble if I don't. What do y'all think? It'll be my first time putting pics of myself up. Nervous, but this is probably the best place to do it. I'm sure y'all will all be sweet to me. Let me down easy XD haha!

Honestly I don't know how I'm going to be brave enough. I'm too scared to even get on the scale these days. Let alone put on a bikini. And take pictures. And post them. Oh man. I need to get a grip and just get on the scale. It always just seems so hopeless when it's always the same number though. I feel like weight loss for me never works unless I do serious serious restriction. I'm always 108 on my mom's scale, which is more like 113 with my evil scale. I went a whole week eating NOTHING but veggies and protein and guess what happened? Diddly squat. Firm at 108. Makes me frustrated. And then I go well eff it I may as well eat what I want. And then I regret it and purge which ISN'T helping me at all. 

Blah blah blah. Complain complain. Put on your big girl panties Ace. 

2 more days with the sister. I feel a bit like a monster for looking forward to the quiet.

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. Made me feel so much better :) Jax, Bella, SweetandsoUr and missinsanity <3 you are all so amazing and smart and wonderful. 

I'm going to get on the scale tomorrow morning. I'm going to. I promise. I'm going to get on the scale. Post my weight. Make new goals. Stop caving. Drink lots of fluids. I'm still working out so I don't need to worry much about that. It's time for a bit of a revamp I think.

x

Ace

Thursday Morning Thoughts

I need to get out of my house. 

My sister is driving my absolutely INSANE. She is visiting from AZ where she lives with her new husband of a few months. She was supposed to visit for one week (arrived on my birthday. Happy effing birthday to me) and then she had a total fit the night before we were supposed to drive her to the airport. You know. Alarms set. Ticket payed for. Car gassed up. I was going to get up at like 530 so I could fit in a workout before we went. But nope, not on her watch. She decided to have a meltdown and let her ticket go to waste and not go home till THIS Monday. 

Am I the only one who finds the fact she is perfectly happy to be away from her husband (and her dog she apparently loves so much) for TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS just a little bit dysfunctional? I don't even know why she wants to be here. All she does is sit in her room. She comes down briefly to get food and then hidey holes back up till the next mealtime. 

I can't even talk to her. It's all so freakin superficial. Every time she talks I feel like she's trying to sell me something. And I can't even say anything back because the venom absolutely pours out of me. I'm the worst version of my self when she's around. I can't even help it. 

Sometimes I just stare at her when she's talking. And the only thought in my head is "How are you alive right now?" Like... how does someone with that kind of deluded thought process even exist? It's amazing to me. 

Most of my parent's time and energy is going into my little brother right now. There is so much worship of that kid it's a little bit sick. My dad is a complete fanatic. He's just convinced he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. And CLEARLY an athletic prodigy (ha.)... No dad. He's not going to get scouted for basketball to college. He's a good athlete. But I can think of 20 things off the top of my head he would rather do than shoot hoops. He doesn't love the game. Just. Let. It. Go.

Sometimes it makes me crazy. It makes me want to do something. Something I know is bad for me. Like... go hook up with my totally slutty ex. I was about a hair away from sending that text last night. But my brain is too far ahead of my heart (or my va-.... nevermind) and I knew I would seriously regret it. What is it about being ignored that makes us crave misbehaviour? 

It's weird. When no one's watching we have all these urges to do things in secret.... but deep down we just want someone to notice that something's not right. Somehow I feel like even if things got really bad for me again they wouldn't see it anyway. Hell, I've been home for months and they've never noticed Mia moved in with me. Maybe they don't want to see.

I wonder if anyone actually knows. Isabella sure doesn't. She'd be right on me telling me to go to the shrink. She already thinks I should for my "body dysmorphia". She just thinks I don't eat enough. She knows I haven't had a period in FOREVER. She's always telling me I'm underweight. And you know what? That's one of the only things that makes me smile these days. 

x

Ace

Meltdown

I've GOT to get a grip. Like.... holy crap. I'm an even 1/4-1/2 an inch bigger EVERYWHERE.

I'm panicked and flustered. I need to find my grounding again. So upset... it takes so long for me to lose weight. I'm terrified to get on the scale and see exactly how bad the damage is.

The very tops of my thighs touch. It's awful to admit. It's awful to say it out loud.

I don't even think I've been eating that much more lately. Sure I've had some more dessert lately. It's the holidays.

Maybe I don't need to stress out that much. Maybe I just need to stop eating late at night and keep up on working out. I never took a break from the treadmill/elliptical.... so I guess that's good.

I feel bloated and full. All the time. I just want to feel empty again.

xo

Ace