"k, you seriously have like a perfect body."
Liar
"You're toned, AND you're so skinny!"
No, I'm not
"Is that from your ballet?"
No, it's from living on diet coke. And throwing up every time I eat something that isn't a vegetable. Obsessive weigh ins. Self deprivation. Water logging myself on an hourly basis.
But I don't say that. "Oh, yeah. That and eating right. Lots of vegetables."
"are you allowed to eat in ballet??"
"yeah, my coach force fed me and tripled my caloric intake so I could have the strength to finish my pieces."
Shit. Why did I say that? Now I just look crazier.
The last meaningful conversation with B, to date. As much as my head screamed at me not to listen to the lies, my heart loved it. Me? Skinny?
He sees perfection where I see a weak and crumpled mess. He looks at me and sees control, confidence, beauty.
For a moment I believed him.
Then Isabella told me what a scum he must be for bringing it up. "obviously you have a nice body."...... Nice? Nice just isn't good enough for me isabella. You shoul know that by now.
Thin thrills: thank you for your kind words. They meant so much to me :) much love <3
Ace
X
Someone noticing is such a thrill, because you worked so hard, but you don't want them to notice TOO much: dig too deep...
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wonder how stupid people really are to believe the lies we feed them sometimes. I guess with most people they hear what they want to hear. Especially people that wish they were thin - anything so that they don't have to realise that to be skinny you have to have control. I think most people would like to think that skinny people are genetically like that, which is why they don't have to feel bad that they don't look like that. I don't think this makes sense, but hopefully you hear what I am getting at. Xo
ReplyDeleteWow. I love your blog. Anyone want to be Ana buddies? I hate feeling so alone with this everyday struggle. You are very strong, i admire that.
ReplyDelete