Monday, 29 August 2011

So... this is hard.

I don't know how I feel about this whole living away from home crap. Or this public transit crap. Or this getting up at 6 crap.

Lots of crap. LOTS.

I had my first day of classes today... and I have a hot date tonight!!... with my textbooks. Eff.

I've GOT to get my stress under control. When I stress I crave sugar. And then I cave. The only possible thing I have been doing alright is not snacking.

I don't even know what the hell I weigh, the new scale won't zero properly. So I have to take that piece back and find another one.

Living on my own is so much harder than I thought. I just got LEFT here. My mom and dad helped me get my boxes to my apartment... and then they said goodbye and drove home. I had nothing but a case of diet pepsi and my dad's birthday cake that I made for him in my fridge. I just don't know. I don't understand why they would leave me like this. I have barely even BEEN to this city before, much less driven or navigated it. I've never used a bus in my bloody life. I don't even have a lamp so I can see in my room at night (no overhead lighting...). I have no friends or family here except Isabella who's more lost within herself than I am. So I've been abandoned in a city of millions, alone and ill prepared. I missed my stop on the bus home today and ended up sitting on the whole loop it took... over an hour. I texted my dad in tears and the first thing he asked was if I made it to class or not.


Well of COURSE I made it to class. That's all that is important apparently. I'm scared, alone, sad and exhausted from BUILDING all my furniture I bought and hauled up to my 5th floor apartment... And I'm wicked stressed because I'm POSITIVE I've gained weight... but I can't weigh myself because this stupid scale I got is complete garbage and all they care about is if I got to school that day.

I can't breathe. It's like they don't even care I'm gone. Like they don't even miss me. They stuffed me up in this apartment like a book on a shelf. Another neatly compartmentalized part of their lives; tucked away to gather dust... indefinitely. "Yes, it was quite a good book, but I don't imagine I'll read it again for some time." That's what I am. But what they don't realize is they won't be able to just brush off the dust and start over at Chapter One. Who knows what I'll become by then.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel better. I'm quickly closing myself up from everyone around me. I can feel it. My fingers have completely slipped from the chokehold I had on my life. Everything is in flux. I just want to be alone. Small. Compartmentalized. Like a book on a shelf.

Thank you for your continued support through my weakness. It means more than you know.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Day 3 on the alien planet.

I'm really homesick. I don't Know. I'm eating. Not lots... But I am. Like, sandwiches and stuff. Isabella likes havin treats after supper... I don't know. She is watching me..

But I know I'm guilty. I'm guilty of weakness. Of desiring the treats. And eating them.

Ugh I suck.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Maybe the one time I was thin was my only chance. Maybe Ana just doesnt want me anymore. Maybe I'm just not good enough for her.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Home sweet home?

Sitting in my new condo with Isabella. She's talking about all her ideas about how she wants to decorate.... My mind is going a million miles a minute. If only i could run that far.

I haven't been able to weigh in two days and I'm FREAKING out. I splurged yesterday... On the birthday cake I made for my dad. And hauled in two coolers to the condo and assembled on site. Impressive. We had a long 9 hour day of moving... And hadnt eaten since breakfast which for me was plain oatmeal and egg whites. Went to red lobster for dinner so I had seafood and a few bites of corn on the cob. Had about two cups of cake with milk. Blah.

It was so yummy.... But I feel awful today. I have had a chicken pita and a little cake today... But I should be ok from here on out. There's nothing in my fridge but diet pepsi and fat free yogurt. I'm going to buy a scale tomorrow. A really nice one. And drink a ton of water.... And once I'm done this blog I'm going to fill my 32 oz bottle and start chugging. Maybe I can purge a little of what I ate today. But I doubt it.. I hate purging :(

Ugh I hope I didn't undo my tiny tiny amount of progress. Dammit.

Thank you all for the continued support and love! I'm getting back on track starting now. I will be strong for you all!!

Much love,


Wednesday, 17 August 2011

News from Pottery Barn.

Holy. I feel like I'm about to faint. We have been shopping FOREVER.... With no signs of slowing down. My intake has been ok.

Egg whites: 50
Greek salad, no dressing and easy feta: 75
2 oz of tzaziki: 70
Grilled chicken skewer: 154
Total: 349

I will probably have to eat more... I'm trying to not fall over and my sister can tell. I will do my best to keep healthy.

I dont know why I'm so exhausted.



Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Okay. I'm better now.

Woke up this morning the same bloody weight. I went on a run, did crunches and inner ab exercises, oblique exercises, push ups and tricep pushups. Showered, had 3 poached egg whites.

Went and got immunized for MMR. Ugh. I haaaaaate shots. But at least it was only one. 

Had late lunch... half a cup of tuscan bean salad, about 2 cups of cabbage slaw boiled and covered in chili paste. And a few baby carrots.

That's putting me at...

Egg whites: 50
Bean Salad: 100
Slaw: 30
Carrots: 15

Total: 195


I feel sane again. Back in control. 

Egg whites in the morning really help kill my sugar, nay, FOOD cravings. I HAVE to make sure I eat them every day. That's the key to my control and subsequently.. the key to my success. That's it. I'm resolving. I'm resolving to poached egg whites EVERY DAY for the rest of my freaking life.

Much Love, 



Cally: I don't know if I can fully give up my caffeine. I just NEED it lol.... slow and steady. Hopefully I can eventually get off it.
Friend of Ana: I had to give up ballet to go to school this fall :( I did pointe exclusively... and you just can't keep your feet strong and calloused unless you train all the time. No such thing as a part-time ballerina, amirite!? :)

And welcome to all my new readers. I look forward to getting to know you and visiting your blogs :)

Coco Rocha. My New Inspiration. I will look like THIS.

Monday, 15 August 2011

I cracked.

... and ate. Well shit.

tabouleh and a little hummus with cucumber and carrots....

and then a 100 cal microwave cake and a few ounces of dark chocolate.

FML. F. M. L.
New iPhone! Now I can post all the time.


Still 115.5.... But that's my own damn fault for having whipped cream at my going away dinner yesterday. I skipped breakfast today... Just had water. Woke up with a killer headache. I'm guessing that is from going from probably 5 or 6 diet pepsis a day down to one. Sorry, just not ready for that adjustment yet.

I found a new thing to obsess about... My arms. I seriously hate them. I've been slacking on my weight training so they are getting really undefined. Blagh.

My sister isabella is in the dressing room right in front of me. She looks good in absolutely everything. I can't bring myself to try anything on today. I feel so ashamed of myself. I've had steamed veggies and shrimp today.. I couldn't get around not eating.. My mom brother and sister were there. It was either that or starch. I just probably won't eat for the rest of the day.




Friend of Ana:thanks for your continued support. Love you!!

Jp: yeah I was thinking the same thing.. Add in protein slowly and stuff like that. We ae absolutely all in it together. :)

Skinny love: I just bought two big cozy snoods. So excited to wear them!!

Cally: thanks for the support! It's not that great and I wish it was more but that's what you get when you don't stick it out lol.. Be stronger than me!

Saturday, 13 August 2011

115.5... Cool.

Yeaaahhhh! 1/2 a pound away from my first goal!

It's the 10 Day challenge.... day numero dos. It was difficult to not eat anything but fruit and vegetables yesterday. But the 2nd day is always easier! Great way to break my caffeine addiction. Slowly ease off my diet pop intake. I had way less than I usually do yesterday and I didn't get a headache. Probably because of all the water. Woo! Go water!

Well, one less thing to do off my To Do list. Shopping with my brother. Yeah, how about I don't do that anymore. He was beaking at my mom SO bad yesterday because he didn't want to go and get a new suit. 

And it isn't just that. He's super disrespectful of my mom, my dad, my grandma, me, and anyone else that gets in his way. So I just started calling his crap. He's all "You're gunna make me lose my temper" and I was like "Yeah ok. Go ahead. I dare you. What are you gunna do; hit me?" And of course he just ran off crying making up bold face lies like how I slam doors and beat him down all the time... and how we are told in church to not give up on people who are having a hard time (apparently him) and I told him to read the 10 Commandments and honor his father and mother. And then he told me he can't wait until I leave. 

Well, 7 more days buddy. Just hang in there. 

So whatever. I won't take him shopping and he can suck a rock. I don't care. He and my sister (which I will henceforth refer to as "Shirley") can just be useless and unproductive and selfish all they like. Ugh. 

Just for lack of confusion, I have two sisters living at home and one brother. Shirley is the sister who is screwing up her life and is a total taker. She never does anything for anyone else. And somehow she has turned herself into a total slut. I'm sure some of her dirty laundry will come out in this blog sooner or later....

 My sister who is moving with me we will name Isabella. She's more like me. We are very close... but we have our disagreements. I will name my baby brother Matt. So it's Matt and Shirley forming a little cult and then it's Isabella and Ace running like hell to get away from it. Exciting. Like a made for TV movie. 

I suppose it is time I eat something. I have to plan out how the heck I'm going to get this backpack I put on hold. It's 2 hrs away from me but Isabella suddenly doesn't want to take the shopping trip anymore. Crap.




JP: Thanks for all the advice and guidelines!  At the end of the 10 days... How do you come off the diet so you don't gain all the weight back?
Skinny Love: Ahhh that's so lucky! My parents are letting us do that a bit too. They are giving us a couch! I think it's because my mom wants a new one :P But hey, I'll take it.
Friend of Ana: I just stopped by your blog!! And commented.. ha. Grats on your goal that's amazing!! And Yes... sweaters. I have a huge box of my winter sweaters I'm DYING to bust out. I can't wait!
Anna: I'll go check it out right now :)

EEEE Sweaters :)

Friday, 12 August 2011

10 Day Challenge?!

Yeah I know, I'm totally late to the party.

So apparently my fellow bloggers are having much success with THIS variation of the 10 Day Challenge:

10 Day

Breakfast-Sugar Free Red Bull (or other energy drink)

Lunch-Activia Light Yogurt

Snack Throughout All Day-Herbal Decaf Tea and as many Negative Calorie Foods as you want

Dinner-Fresh Fruit and Veggies

Sleep-7-9 Hours

Exercise-Yoga, Pilates, Weights, Cardio, Swimming, Anything You Feel Comfortable With

Weigh In-Every Morning and Post Stats as often as possible 

So if anyone has firsthand experience with this.... I despise the taste of Red Bull. What about Diet Pepsi? Would that work as a substitute? And everyone is mentioning vitamins... are these like calcium and multi vits or is there some special cocktail you are supposed to take?

For now I'm going to assume my DP is a sufficient substitute and go on my merry way. Day 1 has begun. 


My dad bought me a BED yesterday. And like a thousand pillows. Am I happy about this? Yes. Does it make me ok with moving? Heck no. What this will probably mean is I will spend a significant portion of my time in said sleeping area. Crying. Writhing. Hyperventilating. Blogging.

... does that burn many calories? :S

8 days. Holy crap. I think I might flip out. In that time I still have a hefty To Do List:....

1. Finish Packing
2. Take Little Brother School Shopping (he loves my style... and apparently my choices for him last year went over VERY well with the ladies... he's in grade 9. ha.)
3. Stock Up On School Supplies. I am legitimately OCD with lined paper. It was on sale for 25 cents at Walmart... I want to buy $5 worth.
4. Weasel a couple more Stay Warm items out of my parents. Namely... a plain grey hoodie, a full length puffer jacket, SOCKS, and maybe a scarf or two. I hear it gets mighty cold up in E-Town.
5. Lose 2.5 pounds. HOLY DINA. Get off my body already. 10 days... enough time? I would LOVE to be a total of 5 lbs lighter for orientation. Or more.... no. Stop it, don't get overly ambitious.
6. Buy a Backpack. This one is hard. I need one that is big enough to hold all my crap, stand out so I don't lose it but not geeky looking. Difficulties. 

I streamlined this list for interest's sake. I am pretty sure there are only so many tedious tasks everyone wants to read about. For example. It's not interesting to hear that I have to clean out the trunk of my car.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Friday. Wish me luck on this 10 day business. 

Much Love, 



Skinny Love aka Meg: Thanks for the follow! I will follow you back as well. Good luck with your move too :) Are you finding it hard to figure out what the flip to bring with you?! I am. Ugh.
Friend of Ana: <3. That is all :)

I'd like to look like THIS for school. Too cute.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Little Ray of Sunshine

Down 1/2 a pound this morning. Happy Wednesday everyone!

10 days until I move... And my room, nay, my LIFE is a disaster. So much to do. My dad wants to take me shopping for dishes today... and he made me oatmeal this morning :) I'm seriously going to miss him. I'm such a daddy's girl.

My mom is taking time away from her work at church to help us move... which is so nice. She does so much volunteer work and service it's sometime hard to get a word in edgewise between phone calls.

I'm beginning to think that living with my sister might not be the picnic I had originally imagined. Thankfully I will have a hefty school schedule to compensate. And you guys, of course :) Which leads me to my next point...

....Thank you to all of my wonderful readers and followers. I am sure you all know how much brighter your day can be when you know others have your back. You're all such beautiful people... your words inspire me and keep me strong.

Have some thinspo.




Friend of Ana: I'm not sure how I got through that long with no water or caffeine. It seriously sucked!! But on the bright side it made me a lot more appreciative of water fasts :3 Love me some diet pepsi.
Haylen: Thank you again for your beautiful words! And I totally agree... when it comes down to it time is all we really have to give. It's the most precious and personal of gifts.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Relieved, but confused.

I didn't want to post until I had some good news... but here goes anyway.

From Saturday night till Sunday I did an absolute fast. No food, no water, no nothing. Religious purposes... but it fit nice and snugly in the "excuses" category. It was much more difficult without water and caffeine. After that: Sunday dinner... ham. I only had 2 pieces of sweet potato (which I LOVE). I had quite a bit of ham though, and lots of veggies and salad. And then... I had the last 1/4 piece of the coconut cake I had made for a bridal shower. Damnit.

The next day I was 117.5. Shit. I drank a ton of water... and mom made wheat pancakes for breakfast. They were small so I had two with diet syrup and berries. And spray whip cream... I love that stuff. After that I went to pick up my car (new windshield!) and on the way who do I see but the one person I hate more than life itself... my psycho old co-worker I had a thing with. FML.

That kinda screwed me for the rest of the day. Went to Costco and got lots of produce... came home starving. I was still reeling from the experience so I had tabouleh and hummus with cucumber, carrot, and celery. Later in the evening I had some fruit, and then we made stovetop popcorn. I never put butter on it, just salt. Thankfully, I was 116.5 this morning. As frustrating as that number is getting, I was relieved to see it.

Anyway. Back to the co-worker.

I've gotten over the guilt of being involved with him. I carried a lot of self hate for a long time. I used to have this uncontrollable burning hate... but now it has become a cold, dead, absolute loathing of his existence. I want him to know how much I regret every SECOND I spent with him. How below me he is. What a black, pustulant HOLE he was in my life. How filthy and disgusting and revolting I find him.

I want him to feel as bad as I felt. I want him to feel that cold wrench in his gut. I want to tell him what an absolute disgrace to humanity he is. How he will never be good enough to even look at me and how much I pity the next girl that comes along.

How dare he think he could have anything to offer me. What, a house that reeks of weed and cat litter? A cook's salary? Someone who can't be a man? Who will NEVER fit in with my family or the way we do things? Who hates everything I am because he's so insecure about himself? Yeah, good one. Hold on a sec, I'll just lower myself about a million notches down to your plane of squalor.

No no, don't get up when I walk into your fucking house. Just sit there, absently wave, and wait for ME to come to you. Oh, I'll never find someone who treats me as well as you? Yeah, the guy who buys me a dollar store tea set and a mug that says "Breaking chocolate into tiny pieces renders the calories harmless." for Christmas? The guy who baited me in with his "damaged" facade? The guy who took advantage of me and carried me down to his bedroom when I could barely open my eyes?

Yeah, fuck off.


...I'm sorry for the vent session. Anyway. Here's a bit of Thinspo for the day, cheers! (With water of course)




Haylen: Ana's the best listener. :) And I got this sweeto pair of runners, they are white and purple. Took em on their maiden voyage... they're a dream! I'll post a pic soon!!
Friend of Ana: Thank you for your support. It means the world to me! <3

Saturday, 6 August 2011


I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. I ABSOLUTELY don't want to eat....Ugh all I want to do is eat! No. I'll be strong. I'll curl up as small as I can in bed tonight... maybe I can fall asleep before my stomach REALLY starts hurting.

Terrified to be 116.5 in the morning. I found myself actually TALKING to Ana the other day. Like, out loud. Like she was there with me. Does that make me crazy?



Thursday, 4 August 2011


Still 116.5. I'm running low on days to get this week's pound off.

So far today I've had 1/2 a cup of fat free yogurt and 1 apple.

I had a huge meltdown at the drugstore yesterday. I was really tired.. I had woken up at 3 am and COULD NOT SLEEP. So I watched 3 movies until it was time to weigh myself. No progress after a day of 230 cals. After that I had half a piece of toast and nutella. We were at the drugstore trying to stock me up for the Big Move... and all of a sudden I just wanted to go home. I felt like my deadbeat sister... non-contributing, selfish, and exceedingly naiive. I didn't WANT my parents to buy me tampons (I shouldn't have enough fat to support a period anyway). I started crying uncontrollably, and I wouldn't let my mom buy me anything. We went home and I sobbed at the table for the better part of an hour.

I apparently was super hungry, because before I knew it I had eaten probably 3-4 chocolate chunk oatmeal cookies (in dough, I hate baked cookies) and half a piece of a cake I had baked the day before. I felt weak and SICK, and decided not to eat for the rest of the day... then I broke and had two cups of broth before I went to bed.

I'm going to get running shoes today!!... or at least that's the plan. I've just been using the ones around the house, but I should get my own pair for when I move or I will have an excuse NOT to get off my butt and do something.

I'm getting really scared to move. I cry about it all the time... I don't know if it's all about moving away from home or if part of it is just the calorie deficit of dieting. I'm deathly scared of gaining the freshman-anything... so I will need this blog more than ever in the coming months. I think I just need to make sure I'm taking my vitamins and have lots of veggies and fruit. They'll keep me nourished but keep my calories at a minimum.

Hoping to weigh less tomorrow, I need a weight loss high.... SUPER badly. Ughg come ON 115. Get on my scale already!

Tiny: Thank you for the congrats! Hopefully I'll have some better news tomorrow <3
Molly: Thanks for following my blog :) I find your words SO inspiring.

*ps: I need to buy a scale for when I move... anyone have a particular brand they trust to be accurate?*

Much Love,


Monday, 1 August 2011

Week 1: Complete.

I'm 116.5 today. That's 2 lbs less than my starting weight. When have I ever lost 2 pounds in one week? Oh right, never. This is kind of awesome. I feel like I never have to give in and eat again. :)

My sister and I were talking a lot last night. We stayed up till probably 2 in the morning. We were talking about boys and our cute condo and school and our new lives... and getting married.

Maybe it's just my demographic... but it seems like the girls most guys like are "one of the guys". You know... they play contact sports and they don't dye their hair (or DO their hair, for that matter). They can outeat their guy friends and love holding other people's kids and they think flip flops and a peasant skirt is dressing up....

... I can't think of anything I dislike more.

What happened to women who like to be WOMEN? Women who take pride in beautifying and perfecting their homes, the things around them, and themselves? What happened to baking a birthday cake from scratch? Or wearing a dress to the grocery store? Red lipstick? Dare I say it, HEELS??

Where the hell did the dumbing down of femininity come from? Who is responsible?? Why is that even the slightest bit appealing?

I cannot be that girl. The girl who rolls out of bed and goes out in pajamas. The girl who burps in public. The girl who eats "normal" food. The healthy girl. That would be lying to myself. I'm not that girl. I'm not healthy. I don't want to be.

I want to be that girl that seems so effortless. The girl that doesn't try to be beautiful, she just is. The girl who's clothes drape off her like a hanger. The girl that has it all together... effortlessly.