Tuesday, 8 November 2011


"k, you seriously have like a perfect body."


"You're toned, AND you're so skinny!"

No, I'm not

"Is that from your ballet?"

No, it's from living on diet coke. And throwing up every time I eat something that isn't a vegetable. Obsessive weigh ins. Self deprivation. Water logging myself on an hourly basis.

But I don't say that. "Oh, yeah. That and eating right. Lots of vegetables."

"are you allowed to eat in ballet??"

"yeah, my coach force fed me and tripled my caloric intake so I could have the strength to finish my pieces."

Shit. Why did I say that? Now I just look crazier.

The last meaningful conversation with B, to date. As much as my head screamed at me not to listen to the lies, my heart loved it. Me? Skinny?

He sees perfection where I see a weak and crumpled mess. He looks at me and sees control, confidence, beauty.

For a moment I believed him.

Then Isabella told me what a scum he must be for bringing it up. "obviously you have a nice body."...... Nice? Nice just isn't good enough for me isabella. You shoul know that by now.

Thin thrills: thank you for your kind words. They meant so much to me :) much love <3



Wednesday, 2 November 2011

I don't even know if I care anymore.

Like.... one bad day and I'm back to square one. My body is like... Eff you Ace. You're gunna kick it around 116-118 forever. And there's not a danged thing you can do about it.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to stick it out right now. I feel like to get anywhere I have to keep it under about 500 cals a day.... and that's hard for me at the moment. So I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I want to say screw you body and stop counting calories..... but if I do I know I'll gain more. And on the flip side.. I am currently counting obsessively and still staying a constant weight. Frustrating? Yeah.

It's B's birthday soon. I think I'll bake him a cake. It's also Isabella's Birthday. Cake for her, too. Cake for everyone. Frick... with all this cake you'd think I'd get fat or something...... ha. I guess it depends on what the heck my body feels like doing.

I haven't had my period in months..... Should I worry about this??? I'm NOT thin enough to lose it, I'm sure. 5'6, 117 lbs? I should have a cycle.