Why am I still awake?

I haven't been up this late in a while. Isabella left to go home for the weekend... she's taking an eyelash perming course. She left before I got home from school and will be gone until probably Monday. I've watched 3 movies already. Showered. Ate. Drank a lot of diet pepsi. Read a little bit.... how is it still Friday?

Yesterday Isabella asked me if I was happy. In that moment I had no energy to lie.... so I told her the truth: something she doesn't often hear from me. I told her I wasn't. I told her that my life is so stressful and busy that I don't really have time to think about it. I don't have time to fully contemplate how desperately lonely I have become.

... Being alone these past few hours has brought it crashing down on me like high tide.

This feeling is like nothing else you could ever experience. It's a literal hole in your heart.... and the more you think about it the deeper it bores. It's chilling, crushing, and cruel. It hurts more than someone breaking your heart... because if it's broken at least it's been touched. I feel shriveled, ragged, and sick.

The silence is unbearable. The void is immeasurably black. The doors have been ripped off their hinges and exposed every skeleton I wished to hide. I have unearthed a terrifying truth: I pave the path to my own destruction.

I'd give anything in the world right now for someone to be here with me. Someone who knew me. Someone who could see past all the armor I wear. Someone who saw that deep in my heart, I am so very fragile. Breakable. Someone who could love me... and would make me feel safe. I'm so tired of taking care of just myself. I have never felt this emptiness.

The only things that keep me going are my prayers... and the scale. Here's to a lower number in the morning. Cheers ladies.