Monday, 30 January 2012


And it's only Monday. Not good, SO not good.

Bright side... I was only up .5 a pound from this weekend. I knew I wasn't going to go down. I never do when I'm home. But we are going in the right direction... Less up.

I'm hungry right now... And I have an apple in my bag. I should eat it, but I hate eating on the run. It makes me feel out of control. So I'm going to wait.

I saw a homeless man on the bus today. You see alot of ragged people on the bus. Dirty hair, ripped clothes, old shoes. Clutching their transfer tickets like they were the most precious of commodities. Most of them are quiet, reserved. Their eyes wander from face to face, defensively. They know they are being judged, and they resent it.

This man was different. He had all he telltale markers. The shabby appearance, the backpack that anything but matched his age category. I noticed his legs first. So thin his knees bulged out like wiffleballs. His knuckles were gnarled, and his face was sunken. He must have not eaten in weeks. Then I noticed his eyes. Instead of the usual hardness, his eyes looked like they could well with tears any moment. His expression was of pure desperation. When he looked at me I could all but hear him plead for help.

I knew I had to do something. I slipped my hand in my change purse and pulled out the biggest bill I had... A ten. Not overly impressive. I wondered how I would get it to him without being noticed. I didn't want him to be embarrassed. Then, almost on cue, he fell asleep one stop before I had to get off. And better still, the hand holding his transfer ticket was slightly open, not tightly clutched like most.

As the bus stopped, I funnelled the bill into a tube. I stood up, my heart pounding in my chest. The doors opened, I slipped the bill in his hand. He jarred awake, and I bailed. I actually knocked someone over in he process... So embarrassing!! Stupid overfilled backpack.

I have no idea what he is going to do with that $10. I hope he buys himself something to eat. It's funny isn't it? How I myself crave to feel the pangs of hunger, but seeing another in that state breaks my heart?

More than anything I hope he feels like someone somewhere cares.


Saturday, 28 January 2012

Hi girlies!

So day two on my vacation! Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had so much diet Pepsi my bone density is about 2% less than it was before. Ugh. So now I have this great metallic taste in my mouth.

I was ravenous when I got to my parents.... And I managed to stave it off until I made a green salad with romaine celery and cucumber. I had ALOT of that... And probably about a cup of lasagna... But I managed to avoid the noodles. Then I had a small piece of carrot cake. And then another little one about half the size. Blah.

Skipped breakfast today, and then took calcium pills on an empty stomach. Not smart of me.... And I weighed on my moms scale which is about 3 pounds lighter than mine at home. It read about 115... So I'm thinking I'm around 118-119 still. Which is good. At least I haven't gained.

So. Today. I'm going to just drink a TON of water. And eat with the family... But eat as little as I can. Chinese is super salty so hopefully I can chug enough water to flush it all out.

Sitting in a chair with hair dye on. First time getting it done in... Like 9 months. I need my ends trimmed so badly!! An old friend of Isabella does our hair... And you can imagine how many words I'm getting in: about none. Ha!

These last few weeks have been super rough and tiring. I'm a month into my monster semester... With no bright spot in sight. You know when you watch a movie about like time loops? Where people are stuck in the same day over and over? And the signal for the start of the day is a hideous sounding alarm clock? That's my life, only my wake up call happens walking to the bus stop with a 50lb backpack, pitch black skies and slushy sidewalks. I am VERY aware of what day it is, what time it is, and how far I am from the weekend. I wish the days would meld together and suddenly it would be April.

Winter has an iron grip on me, and it shows no sign of release. The days are short and dark. Im as alone as ever. It's totally weighing on my psyche. And that guy is blowing up Isabella's phone like there's no tomorrow. Isabella is exceptionally selfish these days. Very single minded with little regard for anyone else. I feel like I complain about her alot. I should let up.... I really do love her. She's my best friend.. But does she ever try my patience. And frustrate me.

Anyway. This blog is getting excessively long, and I should probably cap it here. Stay strong Beautifuls, have a lovely Saturday!



Special thanks to: stillimagining and amber-angelxo. Much love babes<3

Friday, 27 January 2012

Getting organized!!

Took one from your book, friend of Ana!!

I'm on my way home for the weekend.. And ive got to plan this out or I'll probably gain back the weight I have lost.

Today I have eaten oatmeal, egg whites, and then some turkey chili with eggplant wedges. My mom decided to make spinach lasagna for our welcome home dinner... And made a carrot cake. So the plan is to have a big salad and around a cup of lasagna. Maybe a small slice of carrot cake.

Saturday we are going for Chinese so I will stick to veggies and lean protein (tofu and shrimp). Breakfast will be either yogurt and fruit or maybe egg whites and a little cottage cheese. Dinner will probably be a salad or leftover lasagna.

I'm just going to try to keep my portions small and my water intake high. I think that will keep my weight ok over the weekend. I haven't had any treats all week so something small should be alright.... I hope.

I hope you all have lovely weekends!! Think thin girls.



Thanks to: stillimagining. Omg I know he's so creepy! My phone is being weird and won't let me comment on your blog!! Still reading and will comment when I get back to my compy :)

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Well it only took 4 days. Down to 119... So down 1.5. A few more to go.... Can I lose 3 lbs in 1.4 weeks? Hope so.

Tomorrow I get to go home for the weekend... And I couldn't be more ready. My gosh I am so ready.

Food for today:
B: Oatmeal 120
2 egg whites 34
L: 1/2 cup grilled chicken 150
Lettuce: 20
7 cherry tomatos: 14
Balsamic vinegar: 20
Sn: almost 1 cup blueberries: 80

Running total: 429

We have alot of lettuce to go through by tomorrow so salad will probably be on the menu tonight.

I received yet another Facebook message from this super creepy guy.... This makes it the 15th message he has sent me I have left unanswered. 15 is my magic number. Going to block and report him tonight. And he is getting like... Angry now. "are you EVER going to give me a chance??? Or are you just goin tO listen to the gossip??" uhh actually I don't waste my time gossiping about you. You're just freakin creepy.

Ugh. I need a nice boy to stalk me.



Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Meltdown? Sure, why not.

Yesterday I didn't eat my apple and had a 100 cal mug cake with fat free cool whip instead. I also had a complete mental crisis. Sigh, I feel like I have alot of those :/

I'm just so homesick. I hate this city. I hate this horrible bus I'm sitting on. I hate getting up for school, throwing myself on the floor to do pushups and triceps and ab workouts and leg lifts every morning. I hate drinking water. I hate counting these stupid calories. Normal people don't count hard boiled egg white calories.

I hate being so alone. I hate isabella. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I was sitting at the table studying last night for 2 major tests this week... And she waltzes up and demands I get skype working for her on MY effing computer no less to talk to that boy that is MY FREAKING age!!! I had to blast my iPod to drown them out.

It's just so unjust. She gets to make horrible decisions and mess up her life and well look at that, this just falls into her lap. Me... I've tried so hard to know what to do thats right. I've tried to be the best I can and here I am. 120.5 pounds for the third day in a damn row, hating my life.

I just feel like such a disappointment. I can't even keep my weight down. Everything seems so bad right now. I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I can't wait for tonight, I can lock myself in my bathroom and cry until I can't anymore.

Packed this today:
B: 2 egg white 34
2 yog. 70
L: bit of chili. 200
Lettuce. 30
Grated cheese.90
S: apple. 80
Running total: 504

Should give me an ok buffer for a small supper. Maybe soup. Bring me up to 700 cals. Not like it matters anyways. I'll probably way even more tomorrow.



Special thanks to: stillimagining and friend of Ana. Your support makes me feel less alone. So grateful for you girls.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

I did not have any treats yesterday, but my calories ended up a little over 900. And I guess that's better than 1500. Today the plan is this:

B: 2 yogurts and an apple 150
L: canned crab 65
Green salad 40
Balsamic vinegar 20
Drizzle of olive oil 20
Total: 145
S: popcorn 150
D: homemade turkey chili 300
Total: 745

Seems reasonable.

I'm going home in 3 nights... Which I am riveted about. I'm so homesick lately. All I want to do is be in my own bed. Unfortunately an acquaintance from back home has also moved up here or school... And wanted a ride back. I wasn't thrilled but whatever. Well NOW one of her friends wants to come too! She's all "he would do the same for me if he found a ride!"

Well then he better pack light and bring gas money, cuz we always come home with lots of stuff and if you aren't paying your way... You'll be the first thing we dump, not the free diet pop and soaps and blankets that will soon be bestowed upon us.... That reminds me. I should text her and say its ok. Blegh. So NOT a fun drive with so many people. Supposed to be just me and Isabella.... Until this girl invited herself along.

Thanks to: thinspirationloner. Love ya babe <3




Monday, 23 January 2012

So.... This isn't working.

Late January is much too long to hold into holiday weight. Seriously. I've GOT to get a grip.

I've been telling myself that I'll blog when I have losses to tell about. I've convinced myself that's the only reason I should be blogging anyway. If I don't lose, I don't deserve to have this blog, much less post in it.

I had forgotten that this blog is meant to keep me on track.

So starting today I'm going to blog every single day until this christmas weight comes off. I have 4 lbs to go until I am back to where I was before Christmas. I can do this in max 2 weeks. Seems reasonable, doesn't it?

My biggest things are eating after 7 pm. More specifically, eating bad things after 7pm. My meals are very healthy. Yogurt and egg whites or fruit for breakfast, usually soup or leftovers for lunch and salad with homemade dressing for supper. Light snacks like air popped popcorn or veggies. So it's gotta be the treats.

NO treats today. My meal plan is as follows:

B: 2 source yogurts 70
Apple: 80

L: 1 cup white bean spinach soup: 150

S: popcorn: 200

D: probably a salad: 300

That gives me a total of 800. I'm also planning on getting on the bike today. Here's to the next two weeks. And say goodbye to this crappy Christmas bulk!!




Sunday, 15 January 2012

Sunday morning.

I'm down to 119.75 these last two days. Which I guess is good, considering I've only been back on track for 3 days (Starting at some 121.5 lbs.) So almost two pounds gone. I guess that is a good rate... But not as fast as I would like.

School near killed me this week. 7 labs that are two hours each a week plus 4 hours of classroom a day. I have 4 tests this week. None of which I have studied for. I'm just sick of it already. I'm beginning to wonder if I chose the right career.

Anyway. I've been pondering on my life alot lately... Specifically superimposing where I am on the path of my life and where I THINK I should be. Obviously these are not conducive to eachother. There are a lot of areas where I want to be further progressed than I am. I'd like to be thinner, more on top of my studies, have a boyfriend, be more positive, having more friends..... Lots of things. Sometimes it can be very frustrating, especially because I feel like I'm trying to be better and toiling to improve myself.... But I feel like I just don't have it in me. Like I don't have the potential.

But then I thought about it like this:

It's like chipping away at a block of marble. Bit by bit. It takes time to sculpt a masterpiece, but persistence and focus is key. Focussing on the end goal. Doing your best every day. It takes time and patience. It takes thought, care, and determination. And I expect alot of myself, so there is alot of refining to do. It will take longer for me to finish my masterpiece than others to finish theirs. There is more to carve. More details I wish to engrave. More excess to chip away. Sleeker lines, a finer design. A longer path, but in my eyes a greater one.

My heart is good, my intent is pure. My will is stronger than my arm. I just need to give my arm time to catch up... And that is hard for me to understand and accept.

I will get there.




Monday, 9 January 2012

Hurrah for Sunday night binges.


Great start to the week!.... Oh wait.

I was down to 118.75 on Saturday, but of course on Sundays I always mess it up.

Sunday wasn't a particularly good day for me. Isabella and I attended church... Which was a little disheartening. Let me explain that. I haven't been thrilled about going back to the city... And less thrilled about going back to school. I thought that maybe if I jut got through the week I could go to church and meet back up with friends and meet some new people I would feel better about being back. I planned to wear this fabulous new coat i got for christmas and ruin B's day. I even imagined maybe there would be a new boy or two to scope out.

Everything I was hoping to happen... Didn't. In fact, as fate would have it, the opposite did. I felt depressed the whole day. B wasn't even THERE... And the new arrivals are pretty much more girls. After that, I found out that the dad of a girl I used to dance with has been havig an affair with some whore half his age... Who just so happened to be on the receiving end of alot of service and care provided by my own mother following the whore's marriage dissolving last year. I can't even say how disgusted I am.

Skipped breakfast today. Brought leftover veggies and ham for lunch. Not sure what's for dinner. Maybe some soup. I'm going to go work out after class. Hopefully a lower number tomorrow.

Love you Beautifuls, stay strong.



Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Just face the music.

That's what I said to myself yesterday morning, eyeballing my scale. I'm terrified to get on. I know it will be bad. I had a 650 cal day, ruined by a run in with peanut butter rice krispies. But, it's my own damned fault. I did this to myself, and now it's time to own up to it. Assess the damage.

I step on, holding my breath. Please let it be ok....


Perfect. 5 pounds. 5 more reasons to hate myself.

This morning.... 120.75. 4 reasons to skip breakfast.

Intake today: 1/3 cup fat free yogurt and an apple: 115 cal
1 cup leftover stir fry: peas, celery, mushrooms, red pepper, sesame oil: 250
2 egg whites: 34

Running total: 399 cal.

Planning on salad tonight. Isabella wants a movie and popcorn, which is a light enough snack I suppose. Lots of fiber.

Hopefully my scale will give me better news tomorrow morning.

Thanks for the birthday wishes zap fire and friend of Ana.... Love you girls.

And welcome to my new readers <3 leave me a comment if you want a follow.



Monday, 2 January 2012

Happy Birthday, Ace.

Today was MY birthday. And not just any birthday... It was my 21st birthday. My dad took me out and bought me a set of triclad cookware.... Now I don't have to eat all my food with a dash of Teflon... Woo! My mom took me out a few days ago for birthday lunch (lobster tails... Decadent and low cal.) and bought me my favorite perfume and two books.

I had been doing well with food this holiday... Not binging or snacking. Drinking obscene amounts of water.... Like 4L+ a day. Keeping treats to a minimum. And most importantly.... Staying Ontop of my purging (that is... Frequently.) weighing about the same within 1-2 lbs.

Yesterday that all went to crap. We had our belated turkey dinner.... Complete with cinnamon buns for dessert. I got rid of as much as i could... But it all felt like a drop in the bucket at that point. I ate nothing today... And then it was the birthday dinner. Japanese.

I ended up ordering chicken donburi but I got it grilled instead of deep fried. Gave away some of it... And then the cake. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting. My favorite. I have it every year on my birthday. So japanese and cake. Lovely.

Im at wits end with isabella. My dad an I came home with the Japanese to find her throwing a fit about her life (which lasted for the entirety of my birthday dinner). She couldn't be bothered to ask if I was having a happy birthday or anything. And this is after she has spent the last two weeks blaming me for everything going wrong with her life. I won't even delve into that can of worms today. The list is pretty extensive.

We go back tomorrow. And I start school the next day. I'm not ready to go back yet. I love being at home. I love my bed and my family and lazy mornings. I love all the diet pop and my walk in shower and my cat. I love the promise of tomorrow and the distance from all the people I can't stand. I love hanging out with my parents. They are so weird.... But they are the people I know love me.

That was all from the 31st... Then I got sidetracked and didn't end up finishing or posting it. Sigh. So much less dramatic.