Today marks... exactly 3 weeks until my performances end. Trying hard not to get too upset about my weight staying the same. My coach is watching me super closely... So I can't do anything until then. She's always dropping comments about it's the most important thing to stay well fed and how upset I would be if self inflicted weakness ruined my performance.... and she's right. I would be so disappointed and heartbroken in myself if I couldn't just DEAL WITH IT for three more weeks.
I'm still staying around a relatively low caloric intake. No where NEAR as low as I should be but c'est la vie.
Still waiting to hear back from school. I'm going grey at 20 years old... I swear. Just TELL me already!!
My whole life is basically on hold right now. I'm very impatient so this is a struggle.
I can't wait to be thin again. It's like I'm waiting for Christmas or something.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Here we go. My new blog.
I don't know quite what to call this.... pro ana? Thinspo? Belated teen angst?
Whatever it is, it's happening.
I first dappled in disordered eating a little more than a year and a half ago. I had been a little thicker my entire adolescence and I had decided I had enough. I started going to a weight loss clinic and honestly.... it didn't help much. 3 months and I hadn't lost a SINGLE pound. No one could tell me what I was doing wrong.
I decided to audit the program a little. I didn't eat after 7 pm, I drank more water, I shaved a little off my portion sizes. Things got better and I was happy with my progress... until around Christmas. I was sick of my weight coming off bit by bit. I decided to take things into my own hands. I chucked the diet bars and fruit to start. I switched to soymilk. All treats were out, of course.
I started seeing more progress. The numbers started falling, which increased my drive. I switched from cereal to eggs for breakfast, and eventually to poached egg whites and a little cottage cheese. Lunch went from a greek style salad with olive oil and feta to plain greens and balsamic vinegar. Dinner went from a Lean Cuisine to a second salad. I filled in the gaps with diet coke and water.
I'm a ballerina, so there is immense pressure to look a certain way. People started to notice my weight loss... my mother fondly dubbing me her "Incredible Shrinking Daughter".
A couple months passed, and my performance came closer. I had to get all of my costumes taken in so they wouldn't fall off. I was proud of myself... but I could still see parts of my body that needed to be smaller, tighter, and better.
By the time the show rolled around I was 109 lbs. I was pretty weak and tired, and I barely made it through the performances. I was so angry with myself and I hated eggs. I gave it up... all of it. I busted out the butter and the cream cheese and baked and baked and baked. I ate all the carbs I couldn't have and rediscovered my love of sugar and fat. At first the sugar would make me so sick I would sugar shock for at least an hour.... but that went away. I became more tolerant and the scale crept back up. Not that I would know... I wasn't weighing anyway.
Christmas that year things reached a breaking point. I couldn't fit into ANYTHING.... my boyfriend jeans that used to need a belt fit snugly around my thighs. I felt disgusting and massive. I hated what I had become. I missed that euphoric serenity that came with hunger. It was time for me to start my journey back.
I've since been whittling away at my excess. I'm cutting portion sizes, drinking TONS of water, weighing myself, and restricting treats. I still slip up and cave to my chocolate cravings... but I'm doing much better. All my clothes do up again... which is a start. I still have a ways to go, and my hope is that this blog will help keep my goals in sharp focus.
Unfortunately I can't restrict as much as I would like until about a month from now. I can watch what I eat and be careful about food quality... but for the most part that beautiful feeling of emptiness will have to wait. A lot rides on this performance... and I need to keep muscle mass. For the time being, anyway. Hopefully this blog will remind me of that fact too... incase I start feeling the urge to restrict prematurely.
I don't know everything, but I do know this. I miss the satisfaction that comes from hunger pangs.... KNOWING that my body is ridding itself of ugly, disgusting fat. I love the emptiness, the purity. I miss my bones sticking out so far it seems they could tear right through me. I long for the constant chill I felt when I was thin. I yearn for the absolute control.
I will feel that way again. I WILL free my bones from their fatty prison. I will return in a thin and perfected state. Wait around long enough and you'll see.
Or better yet, come with me.