Thursday, 6 April 2017

So it's been a while.

I don't even know where to start.

So much has happened in the past few years. I don't know if anyone even reads these blogs anymore but I don't care. I just need a space to get all of this out.

I hit a breaking point a couple years back and decided I wanted to get better. I worked with a personal trainer and he gave me nutrition pointers and a work out regime. It started out good.... but he wanted me to triple my calorie intake. I literally was on the verge of puking every day. It was so much food. I stuck with it, and I got hella strong. Felt great. Got my period back. Went back to school and had an okay year. Honestly I became a monster and hooked up with way too many guys and their friends. I didn't give a damn about anyone but me. Went home for the summer again, and started dating this guy from the gym. He ignited a passion in me I haven't ever experienced before. Unfortunately, he wasn't somebody I could build a life with I don't think. Either that or I never gave him the chance. But we got attached to each other, and it kind of broke him when he found out I was leaving. It ripped me apart having to pack up my life again. It was impossible to leave, but I felt like back at school was where I needed to go to save myself.

Instantly back at school I am swept off my feet by a cute California surfer guy. He surfs, he skis, he does martial arts, and he thinks I am PERFECT. He asked me to be his after a week, and told me he loved me after two. He tells me he's everything he has ever needed or wanted, and he can't believe how lucky he is or how surreal it feels to have someone like me fall for someone like him. Until he decides I'm a cheater. and I shouldn't be allowed to have friends. or talk to guys. Or have snapchat. and he should be able to go through my phone. and control every waking moment of my life. And instead of spending time loving me, he spends his time berating me and ripping my heart to shreds. And then decides he wants to marry me. I agree, and start trying on wedding dresses. He's made me believe (and has told me) that no one will ever love me like he does. After months of agony, guilt, manipulation, fear, and torture, I somehow break free with the help of our mutual therapist (that he tricked me into going to as a couples session). We try to get back together 3 weeks later, and he tells me he has my ring in his drawer. And then comes about 8 hour trial by fire where he reduces me to tiny, ragged bits of myself, and I have nothing left to give him but tears. Then on Valentine's day he does this big fantastic show and tells me he will never leave me again, and he's in this forever. And I believe him. Like the idiot I am. A week later, he's not talking to me. And I see him with a girl in the front seat of his car. Since then he has tried to make me buy the engagement ring from him and return my birthday gifts.

So I say screw you and hooked up with my ex and a few new guys that I literally don't care about. I fill the void with different men in my bed and meaningless lust. I pretend I don't care. I chew them up and spit them out. I don't feel the need to care about them or their feelings.

And now I'm an empty shell if who I once was. I was so cut off from my world and my friends that I don't really have any left. I cry every day, and my heart has been shredded and stitched and ravaged so many times... I don't know if it even works anymore. The bandaids don't help. My bed is cold even when there's someone right beside me. I hate him for what he's done to me, what he's made me become. This year has not made me better. He has destroyed my soul. And I'm just so tired.

And on top of that..... I'm heavy again. I'm strong and have a lot of muscle, but I'm far too heavy. I miss the days when things made sense. when I knew who I was. When I hadn't been hung out to dry by the person who told me he would never leave me and would stand by me forever.... until he found out he couldn't change me. He couldn't bend me to his will, so he broke me instead. I am a shattered human, and I don't really know how to fix that or pick up the pieces. I don't want to die, but I don't have the will to LIVE.



Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Back from the dead(?)

Hey lovelies.

Life has been a whirlwind. I didn't forget about this blog but it was brought back to the front of my remembrance when I got a notification in my email about a comment being posted.

I'm sorry for the absence. Here's a sliver of life....

Got a job
Worked at said job
Liked job
Felt unfulfilled and lonely
Decided I wanted to move
Applied to school
Quit job
Left the country
Started a new life

And now I'm here finishing my first year of an undergrad with a 4.0 going for my B.Sc. and hopefully going to medical school.


I didn't bring my scale with me when I came down here. At first I was melting down. Then I went home for a holiday... and I had lost 5 lbs. Went back at Christmas. Same weight. So my new happy place is 108... And I eat carbs. Which is bizarre. But I'm paying out the nose for tuition so I figure if I need brain food on midterm and finals days then so be it. I just really am focussing on eating food that is metabolism boosting and whole. Keeping it fresh, whole grain, high protein.

I'm running more. And longer. It keeps me sane. Eating a lot more fats lately because my skin is extremely dry... my feet are just shredded and bleeding. I don't think all the running helps that but I can't stop.

Still no period........ :\ I have mixed feelings about that one.

I'm meeting a lot of people. Going on lots of dates... some wonderful, some not so much! Haven't fallen in love yet ;)

At times I'm scared but overall I'm happy. I'm happy I don't weigh myself everyday. I'm happy I don't measure my food. I'm happy I seem to have found a way to balance myself. I'm happy I'm in a new place and can be myself.

I'm happy I'm away from my family. As much as I love and miss them.... I need to be away. I need space. I need to be independent and run my own life.

I have a date with this boy we will call O. O and I dated a bit before the Thanksgiving break and then things got weird. He started seeing someone else and didn't really tell me. Which was FINE because we weren't exclusive but it hurt just the same. Anyway. I cut him off and did my thing and we slowly got to be friends again. LOOKING story short.... he was like "let's do dinner" at my party on Sunday. I was kinda worried that it was like a friendsy-appointment dinner(does that make sense??) but then last night he texted me and asked if I had seen Cinderella. I had, but I told him I'd go again. So dinner and a movie. So..... classic date.

I've been on so many dates lately I never really get nervous but guys.... I'm nervous. I don't even know what will happen. Stay tuned.



PS: Thanks to Shelby and missinsanity for the lovely thoughts. You kinda brought me back to life <3

Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentines Day

What an unapplicable holiday to me. I'm single and I'm starving myself. HA.

111.25 today. I thought I was gunna gain today cuz I had popcorn pretty late last night. So a bit of a pleasant surprise there.

I'm all done my exams! I passed all of my American boards exams... but I have to wait for 4-6 weeks for results from the Canadian ones. I think it'll be fine though. They didn't feel like I failed. I start work this Tuesday. Finally! I'm going stir crazy over here.

I am worried that I'm used to doing nothing all day and it's going to be really hard to get back into working. But I guess we will see. I bought new scrubs too :) A light pastel blue set, a wine colored set, and a pair of black bottoms and a red top with black strips down the side. Pretty cuuuute :)

So. I gotta talk about Creepy Texty Boy. So I met him ONE time. Actually I don't even think it counts. I was talking to someone else and he just kinda interjected and introduced himself. So whatever. 2 minutes of actual interaction.

So he adds me on facebook. Uhhhhh ok I guess.

He messages me. I ignore it. He messages me again. And again. I ignore them.

He texts me (I did NOT give him my number.... and my listed number is the house phone). So I text him back to be nice (stupid...)

"Hey Ace! How's it going? It's CTB here!"

"Oh hey, going good. Just busy studying :)"

"Oh cool! Hey what are you doing Thursday or Saturday night??? Want to go out??"

"Sorry I can't. I'll be out of town writing my exams all weekend."

"Oh. Well how about this Wednesday? Does that work?"

"No I'm sorry I'm leaving for a different city Tuesday. I have exams on Wednesday too and won't be back till the evening."

"Oh ok! Seems like you have lots of exams. When are you done?"

"I have like 10 and I had to split them up so I'm pretty tied up for the next few weeks."

"Oh so the next couple of weeks you think? Tell ya what. I'll call you in two weeks and then we will celebrate you being done together. How's that sound?"

":)" (No lie. I sent the non committal smiley face)

So the time goes by and he likes all my photos and statuses... and sends me multiple texts I ignore 

Hey! How's it going? 

Hey how are the tests going?

Hey how many more tests do you have?



Hey what's up?

The morning of February 12th comes. I write my final two exams. I did awesome. I'm the first one in my class to be board certified in two countries. *happy dance*

I facebook post. Cryptically. I put something like "Done done done done done. And also done. #done #dustsoffhands"

INSTANTLY he has commented on my post, liked it, sent me a facebook private message AND texted me. BANG BANG BANG. At 11 in the morning. On a WEDNESDAY. Who the hell with an actual schedule is on facebook at 11 in the morning on a Wednesday? And how did he see my post so fast? Does he have my stuff put on his alerts so he sees EVERYTHING?? I went ahead and read the private message so he could see that I read it and hadn't responded.

So he counters by inviting me to play the FB game <3crush<3 (complete with hearts)

.... I can't. Too much. TOO MUCH people.

Yikes. He was inviting me to go to this church event tomorrow (kind of a valentine's thing without the pressure of being an actual couple. Whatever. It's still valentines.) And in my head I'm like nooooooo...... Never.

So hopefully I can avoid him today. And tomorrow. And forever.

In other news. I think my little brother is my Valentine today. :) He's gunna take me for Steak Dinner at the Keg and I think I'm gunna give him some much needed girly advice. My plan is to eat light today and have a side dressing salad, top sirloin with grilled veggies and prawns and pass on dessert. The whole shebang shouldn't rack me up much more than 500 cals. Which IS a lot... but hey. It's all healthy stuff and it'll be fine. That's life. If I'm heavy tomorrow then I detox. I made him a big pan of sugar cookie bars last night. Half with vanilla buttercream and half with nutella buttercream.... but it's super awesome buttercream with two ounces of cream cheese in it. Just to make it that much more delicious.

Anyways. I better get going on this day. Happy Valentine's lovelies. Have wonderful days.



Thursday, 6 February 2014

GW 2: reached.

I actually got to gw 2 a day or so ago... Yay me! 111.75 today. My thighs don't touch anymore... Thank goodness. Since gaining back some weight they were touching at the top when I put my feet together... It was driving me insane. Sooooo uncomfortable. So yay for thigh gap :) they are still not as straight as I want yet but hopefully in a few more pounds they will be.

So that puts me a little less than 6 pounds from my lowest sustained weight (106).. I hope when I get there it's enough. Something tells me it won't be. It's not too hard to maintain 106. Any lower and yep. It sucks. But maybe with some of the dietary changes I've made it will be easier than before. I'd like my bmi to be an even 17.0 which is 105.5 lbs for my height. I'll just keep going doing what I'm doing and see when I start to plateau. What I'd actually love is..... Double digits. But I don't know if I have the control to get there. It's fun to think about though.

Yesterday I went up north to write two of my board certification exams. I'm writing American and Canadian ones so that clocks me in at 10 highly stressful exams. I passed the two yesterday just fine... 8 to go! We leave today for the weekend. We are staying in a really nice hotel and are gunna make a weekend out of it :) 

I write one exam tomorrow morning and 5 on Saturday (eeeek!!!) I think the best idea is to just do little snacks to keep my brain working that day. 

Breakfast: 110 cals of oatmeal with sweetener.
Snack: 0% Greek yogurt (80)
Lunch: small whole wheat pita stuffed with veggies and lean meat (250)
Snack: Apple (80)
LOTS of caffeine. And water.

So that puts me at 520 at 5 pm. Then we will probably get some supper or go to a movie. I can easily get away with eating around 250-300 no matter where we go. I feel like 1000 cals a day isn't a lot until I surf around on the internet and find all the pro Ana forums with girls eating like what I eat for breakfast in a whole day!!... Fatty central over here. Sheesh.

Also on the checklist: I want to go to the Harry Potter exhibit again!! I've been once but I'm dying to go back. I also need to go to the sugar free store and get some more peanut flour... I swear I live off that stuff. And some sugar free flavored syrup. 

I need to drop off my grad fee and gown rental too. Convocation is in May and I'm really excited :)

Joined the gym. Man am I ever weak. I have this problem where I will lift weights till my arms are too tired to physically do any more... But the next day I'm not very sore. I do lots of different machines so variation isn't an issue. I worry that it means I'm not building muscle... I'll have to research it more and report back. 

Anyway. I better get packed up. We are aupposed to leave after lunchtime today. I should have been studying instead of writing this... But it's been a whole since I've posted anything worth reading at all. Not that this is ├╝ber exciting or anything but hey what can you do.

Things I still need to write about: creepy fb texty boy, measurements, Hawaii thoughts, what I'm reading. 



Saturday, 1 February 2014

I had a cup of homemade chili with skim cheese and two huge plates of green salad with a drizzle of diet dressing for lunch today..... 

.... I'm not sure how that's gunna go over. I feel massive. 

Friday, 31 January 2014


Uhm. I'm so bored. I am so sick of babysitting. The girl is sick so all she is doing is watching movies... Which is fine, but I'm bored and lonely and just want to go home. Using the time to study though.... 

Yesterday I went back up to 114.5 (????) and today I'm down to 113.75. Sigh. It's so annoying when there is so little progress and you are fighting for every quarter of a pound. Looks like there's gunna be no splurge meal this week. 

I also did something stupid. I got Wendy's for lunch. I usually just get a chili salad and pick off the cheese and not use the dressing. I got this great idea today that I would get a half size apple pecan chicken and a small chili to be even more calorie conscious.... I picked off the blue cheese they drowned it in (gross) and used just a few drizzles of vinegarette. But being the genius I am I ate the whole packet of toasty pecans. So the whole meal came out to 466 cals. Disgusting. Can't even believe it. My breakfast was around 200-250 today (Greek yogurt and fruit). So I'm already clocking in at 716. Sigh. Not much wiggle room for the rest of the night. Oh well. At least I ate early. My plan is to hopefully go to bed STARVING tonight and see if that whittles down the number any. I just want to get this weight off. 

 All signed up at the gym and I went super early yesterday. It's right by my house ad work so it's really convenient. 

I can't wait to start work. I'm so bored sitting around the house. Board certification exams round one are next week.... Hopefully I can make a dent in this weight by then so I will be not so stressed about eating those two days. I cant afford to be fuzzy or lightheaded from restricting. I paid too much money to flunk these cuz I wouldn't just get over it and have a bowl of oatmeal. 

Can't believe it's February already! I would love to be under 110 by March. 



Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Just a quick check in.

I was 113.25 before the weekend... but I've creeped back up to 113.5. I've been there for two days so hopefully today I can take a chunk out of that.

I'm housesitting starting today until Monday night. It shouldn't be too bad... They are both in school so I will have mornings to myself (namely to go home and study).. and my brother has a bunch of basketball games we can go to most nights.

So yay! Hopefully I get paid a decent amount. The mom stocked the fridge with tons of frozen crap food the kids always get when they get when the parents go away (taquitos, pizza pops, french fries...). She left me money on the counter to go buy whatever I wanted (SWEET) so I'll definitely be doing that....

My little twin nephews are coming over soon. Joy unbounded. They will probably be here all day. I better go get some breakfast or something.

Hope you are all having great weeks <3