Monday, 3 December 2012

UGW. Reached?

104.75 on MY scale today. Which means I've reached my UGW.

I'm not going to count it unless it's at least two days in a row. Could be just a funny water balance or something.

My roommate works at Curves, and they have one of those body fat calculators. Like the ones that you put in your height and weight and then grip the sides of the wheel-thing?... Yeah. I've never heard of them either.

Apparently my body fat is 12.8%... seems low for what I see in the mirror. My thighs don't touch at all now anymore, I suppose that is good. I dunno. I still feel about the same.

My clothes are almost all too loose, even my thin jeans are starting to look a little ridiculous.

My mom and dad are a little worried I think. My mom says that I better not lose anything else by Christmas... She's threatened to weigh me. I already lied about how much I weigh to her. She thinks I'm  about 7 lbs heavier than I am. And my dad kinda got horrified when he hugged me (You're so freaking skinny...)

Honestly, I don't really WANT to lose any more weight by Christmas. Too much pressure to stay down. But the problem is I don't know how to maintain. I either go up or I go down. I want to just STAY. I'd even be happy at 106.

I don't even think I eat that different than how I used to... like when I was 10 lbs heavier.

Breakfast: Oatmeal and Unsweetened Almond Milk
Lunch: Big Salad with Extra Lean Taco Beef and Refried Bean (or another meat)
Supper: Same as Lunch, or Stir Fry. Or I'll sub a dessert. Like a piece of leftover cake... Sometimes popcorn and melted chocolate.

Lots of water. Lots of diet soda. If I have cake I usually puke some of it up. Sometimes I have both dinner AND dessert... but in that case I purge at least a little.

I'm not really sure how to stabilize myself and my eating. I'd like to. I'd like to stay right here.




Sunday, 28 October 2012

Mondays Come Early


Probably will be a bit higher tomorrow morning though.

It's getting snowy outside... going to buy Yaktrax for my runners tomorrow so I avoid slipping and dying on the ice.

Wrote 5 finals this week... 5 this week. Then my semester is over and I'll be back to practicum before ya know it.

Things with the boy I like... are good(?) The girlfriend is definitely the EX. Whenever I see him we have a great time talking and stuff. When we saw him at Halloween my friends said he kept staring at me when we weren't with him.

I think he's just slow on the uptake. He's not dating anyone else... I only ever see him with his roommates. So here's hoping that continues to go ok.

Better go, more later babes.




Tuesday, 16 October 2012


I was 108.25 this morning.

On Sunday I hung out with that boy I've been wanting to :) The roommate of Cockblock. He invited me over and we watched a movie but just ended up talking the whole time.

He is broken up with his girlfriend. (Told me himself. Said how it was interesting being on a volleyball team with the exgirlfriend.)

We've just been casually txting back and fourth for the last couple days. Hopefully we get together again soon.

School's been busy, keeping me away from my books and this blog. I have two tests tomorrow that I need to finish preparing for... but I just wanted to share that bit of news. I hope that this keeps going the way that it is...

... he's really cool :) I want to get to know him better.




Friend of Ana: Thanks for the love girl. I've missed you <3

Monday, 24 September 2012

The Weekend.

Sunday I weighed in at 109.25

I think that was a bit of a fluke tho. This morning I was 110.25, which I think is more accurate.

Pretty sure my roommate got me sick. UGH.

This weekend was good. I went on a date on Friday. He took me to sushi (I had a cucumber salad with red snapper shrimp and octopus and then a miso soup... NO sushi :) ) and then took me to a ballet. So nice of him, since he knows I was a ballerina for 10 years!! It was lovely, but I'm not really interested in dating him. Then it was my friend's birthday on Saturday so I made her a red velvet cake and brought it to her... then it was my roommates birthday so we went for fro yo and watched a movie. Then yesterday we had a birthday cake for her. Lots of cake. Frick.

Then. I went to this party and saw that boy I'm lovin on lately.... and his on again off again was there too. So I was a bit sad... but then I ended up chatting with him and his roommates for about an hour. And then this one girl who I think is just the most wonderful thing said "Everytime I see you you just shrink!!" Made me feel good. The boys were gunna come over and finish off the birthday cake but then the one roommate (who took me longboarding) just txted me that they would come another time which was fine.. cuz I was tired. But then the OTHER one who is all up in my business txted me and was like

"Salad Party??"

and I'm all "What is that?"

He's like "It's like a cake party, but salad instead."

"You're actually doing that?"

"Well no, but you can come eat salad at our house if you want."

Uh...... so I didn't txt back. So he calls me. Twice. To ask if we want to come watch a movie. So we go (cuz I figure more facetime with le boy....) and I bring the cake with me. We ended up watching the gayest movie of all time and le boy was in and out so I didn't even get to sit with him :(

Not like it would make a difference if I did.... with his frickin roommate being the big old cockblock that he is. FUUUUU.......

Whatever. I guess I have to wait it out right?? Not much I can do about an on again off again. I can't be mad, cuz like they have history... but I sorta am. I just need to let it be, and it will sort itself out. But I think I need to make it clear I'm NOT interested in Salad Boy or Longboard Boy at ALL.

I'm so retarded when it comes to boys I like. I'm always convinced that I'm SOOOOO annoying. And not pretty enough.

So we got home so late I was too tired to even wash off my makeup. Couldn't even get myself out the door to run this morning. Had a huge nap when I got home, and then had a salad. Just got out of the shower now... and I need to study for all the big friggin tests I have coming up.

I hope I feel better tomorrow so I can run in the morning. I feel bad I didn't today but like... I couldn't even decide what to eat for breakfast. Anyway. My sister just facetimed me so I better go.

Love you ladies. <3 stay strong



Monday, 17 September 2012

Case of the Mondays

Hey babes.

Weighed in at 110.75 this morning. My jeans i used to not be able to do up are almost baggy now.Then I went for a run. Then I saw someone get hit by a car. Gotta say, not as funny in real life.

Anyway. This weekend was kinda weird. Started out good. Me and a friend went shopping at west Ed on Friday. It's been a while since I've opened up I someone.... It was nice. We talked about her brother that passed away. My grandma too. And about being homesick and things we are frustrated with. Life, love, and of course school. Sigh school....... Always permeating my life. Then I went home and me and the roomies went to get fro yo and watched a movie.

Saturday I stayed home to study all day while they went to the waterpark. I don't feel any smarter, by the way. Then they came home and wanted to go out so we got all dressed up and out we went. Danced for a bit and then went to a party... Where this guy I like (who I thought was broken up with his whacko girlfriend) was hanging out with said girlfriend and I didn't talk to him at all :(....

The next night we had planned a bonfire at our house... But then my roommate decided to change it to her boyfriends house. SO stupid. Especially when we bought everything for it and had the idea (more specifically... Me.) and then the boy and the girlfriend show up again.... Ugh. Awkward. So I was pretty bummed. Cuz before this weekend I had hung out with him at parties a few times and I was thinking it MIGHT go somewhere? Clearly not.

This week is gunna be packed though. I am modeling for a girls school project tomorrow so I have to find something balletic to wear.... Her assignment is angles and curves. I hope she sees more angles than curves on ME.... And then I might go long boarding with that boy's roommate. (staying present and pretty and perfect... I hope haha).... Need to find something to do wednesday. Maybe study. Then Thursday me and a girlfriend are getting take out and studying.... Friday is tutti frutti Friday with the roomies and I have a date. He is taking me to the ballet. Should be exciting :)

I have a test today I gotta cram a bit for.... Only 3 weeks into school and I feel like I'm drowning already. it's nice to come on here and unload a little bit.

Super homesick. Wishing I could drive away.




Stillimagining: thanks for your feedback!! If my BMR was that high.... That would be fantastic!!! I wish there was a way to test that. The online ones seem so inaccurate :/ like some of them I'm like no way I can eat that many cals and not gain!!!! I hope you have a lovely week xo

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

le wha?

So my loves. New lowest weight. On my evil scale.

112.25 = 107.25 on my mom's.

Wonder where that came from.

Bought a bunch of groceries cuz I FREAKED OUT the other day that I had no warm food. I think that the running has burned a bit of fat so I'm less insulated.. way more susceptible to the cold. So I got those eating right cajun chicken things and a bunch of veggies I can roast with it, beef cubes for egg drop soup, ham and pea canned soup (that I add charred cabbage and onion to), and then more yogurt and fruit and salad stuff. Oh, and I got a baggie of oatmeal. 110 cals for one whole serving! Pretty good.

I'm trying not to plague anyone with my food and exercise schemes... so I'm just gunna go on about it for a few minutes here. Would love feedback.

Basically I'm doing cottage cheese or yogurt and fruit for breakfast (occasionally a muscle milk (150 cal, 20g of protein) if I'm rushed) then a salad with salsa and either extra lean taco meat and refried bean or chicken breast for lunch and then more salad or soup for dinner, or today I wanted a treat so I had a plate of fruit for a snack and then had 2 little brownies I baked yesterday and a little melted chocolate. Chased it with over a liter of water so I purged up a little bit of it. I dunno I've kept the weight down this way, and I like having dessert for dinner sometimes. Is that super bad??

I also think that days I have tests I am allowed to have some form of healthy starch... so I can think more clearly. Like oatmeal for breakfast or a whole wheat pita with a smear of hummus and TONS of fresh veggies for lunch. Last time I had two tests I had dry cereal on my yogurt AND a pita at lunch... and miraculously I was still down in weight the next day... but I dunno if I plan on making that a regular thing.

I drink a ton of water and diet pepsi is still a vice.... but I don't know does that seem ok? I get really ineffective when I just DON'T eat so I've gotta make sure I eat something... and I like this weight and I like dessert. I'm not sure. I don't know. What do I do? When I type it out it seems like SO MUCH FOOD..........................................................

I have a date tomorrow. With B. Only took him a whole freakin year to do it. He asked me super nice.... but then he added something douchy afterward. He's all, "Would you like to go on a date on Wednesday?" and I'm like "Yes :)" and he's all *entering it in his phone calendar* "Do you spell dyke with an I or a Y?" So I'm in his phone as Date With Kit Kat Dyke. Wow, what a prize he's turning out to be. I'll update on how it goes.

Gotta go on a run tomorrow too... and take a test. So hopefully that all goes well... I better get off here and pick out some clothes and make a lunch for tomorrow. Sending my love to all of you reading.

Stillimagining and Ell: thank you for your comments <3 You girls are beautiful.




Wednesday, 5 September 2012

School. Part 2.

I am finding it so hard to do ANYTHING consistently lately. My poor blog.

Most important(?) points: my weight is back down, I am moved into my new house with 5 roommates, I am still single as ever, busy with year 2 of school, blah blah blah blah. Nothing too special has come about in the last little while. But things are good.

My mom is pretty sad though. She really is lonely now that I'm back up North and Isabella moved away with her new husband. Wish there was something I could do for her... but it seems like the thing that makes her the least stressed is when I tell her she doesn't have to call me back cuz I'm fine and she can just go to sleep instead. Which sucks. Cuz as much as I like the girls I'm living with... I'm pretty lonely myself.

You won't believe what I said to B the other day. He came over cuz he wanted a tour of my new house... so we were sitting in my living room just chit chatting and my phone goes off and he just dives for it and somehow I end up ontop of him and then we are on the floor. Don't worry, totes not what you think. Things didn't go that way (which is good cuz I am very very much over him. 100%) and he's all.... You are SO skinny. How do you stay that skinny? For real? So I just stared at him poker faced and go "Starvation."

Ha. The truth can be so liberating. Too bad I didn't tell him about Mia while I was at it.

I DID quickly follow with "I try to eat really healthy and drink lots of water." Partially true.

Anyway. I guess bedtime would be a good thing about now..... I'm starting to get some hunger pangs and it is WAY too late to eat.

Thanks Miss Insanity, Fat Piggy and Avy for your comments. Love you girls <3

Love to all my readers.



Sunday, 29 July 2012

Too many voices. Clouds in my head. So sick of talking about the wedding. Why can't everyone just SHUT UP????

Thursday, 26 July 2012

I broke today.

Spent the better part of the morning locked in the downstairs bathroom throwing up the fruit cocktail cake I binged on for breakfast this morning. I don't think I can bring myself to eat for the rest of today.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Ack. I wish I had fun things to say!! My life is le boring lately. 

We went shopping for Isabella's trousseau yesterday... which was fun!... for the first 3 hours. (Keep in mind we have ALREADY gone trousseau shopping just a few weeks ago....) But it's finally done so we can all breathe easy. 

Meeting a couple of the roomies this Tuesday. And then I have to track down 3 more before the end of this week. Ugh. Down a little in weight today. 2 lbs to my lowest weight. Then it's (hopefully) downhill from there. It'll feel great to be back to normal again. 

My sister is back with her 4 very messy very active very LOUD children. Only till this Tuesday though, which is great! I don't mean to sound like a heartless b*tch or anything... it's just like.... I just want some peace and quiet. Without kids, without noise, without having to entertain others. And it's really difficult to keep anything healthy in the house because they just hoover it. Berries? Gone. Cucumber? Gone. Hardboiled eggs? Gone. Pretty much the only thing they don't eat of mine is the diet yogurt (that has aspartame in it...) But my other sister (who is a COMPLETE whack) eats a whole container in two sittings. It's like EFF OFF. If you eat kraft dinner, butter, bread, chips, cheese, cookies, pizza etc etc as part of your daily diet, you should have NO claim on the good stuff!! Let the people who are trying to be healthy at least have a shot. Yeah, I'd LOVE to have a slice of the hot, cheesy pizza we just got. But I'm not a boy, 5 years old, or breastfeeding. So no, I don't get to have it. So get the hell away from my cantaloupe. And boil your own damn eggs.

Speaking of my whacko sister... I can't remember if I gave her a name on here yet. Let's call her... Lexi. So Lexi is just this barrel of issues. Like... I don't even know if I can even begin. I'll try to condense it.

The below text is a massive rant about Lexi. If you just wanna skip all the purple text, feel free. But I just have to get it out. I can't even take it.

 Lexi has to do everything to a complete and utter extreme. First she wants to eat healthy. So naturally she restricts herself to a "treat day" (aka binge fest) once a month. Then she wants to be vegetarian. So OBVIOUSLY the best choice is to not eat eggs, beans, lentils, or tofu, and basically starve your body of proteins to the point of severe anemia. THEN she decides to eat meat again. So what does she do? Starts frying ground beef for BREAKFAST. Vomit. 

She decides that girls are too mean to her at school (it's high school, get over it you prissy bitch) so she gets homeschooled. She decides that her boobs aren't big enough. So she gets MASSIVE implants (like a size D... she's MAYBE 5'3. It looks friggin stupid). She decides to start dressing like a slut... so she buys EVERYTHING in a size 00/xs/petite. But guess what? Your chest is a size MEDIUM. So you just look like a tramp.

Then she decides that she wants white blonde hair like mine was. So she gets it dyed if she PROMISES to not flatiron it every day. So she promises she won't. But then, oh wait. She flatirons it every day for over an hour. Her hair is naturally dark, coarse and curly. And she's making it white and pin straight. So what does it do? Falls out, duh. So what is her solution? Make mommy and daddy buy her hair extensions so she can continue to bleach and straighten. 

She won't get a drivers license so she has to be personally chauffered every place she goes. She got married to a guy who she met online after three months. He was (as I told EVERYONE) a complete scumbag and she ended up racking up about $20 000 in emergency plane tickets home (then she went back because she missed him... TWICE), divorce lawyers, moving expenses, etc etc etc. Not to mention her stupid dog (it's a chihuahua.. named Bambi. Of course). She dresses it up in these stupid clothes. She pretty much starved it for the first few years so Isabella and I started feeding her cheese so she wouldn't die. Pretty sure she just wanted the dog to be as tiny as possible. Sick. It's an animal. Don't friggin project your shit on an animal. 

If you ask her she has a VAST history of sexual assault (BULL SHIT) dating back to when she was 3. She apparently remembers it (uhm, it's a psychological FACT you can't). Then her Iraqi boyfriend raped her (uhm, no. You messed up and you wanted to cover it up) then she got married to aforementioned dickhead, THEN she started screwing her college professor (she was having my mom DRIVE her to the college to go have sex with him. Did I mention he was her ETHICS professor??? Oh, the irony just slays me), and NOW she wants to date her BOSS (who wants to date her too) who is like 50 and has CHILDREN as old as her. 

She wants every male on the face of the planet to want to bang her.... INCLUDING mine and Isabella's boyfriends. She tries to make us feel ugly, fat, and terrible. When I was at my lowest weight (the year I barely made it through my performances) I was having a day where I just felt fat. I am red in the face bawling, and my mom is trying to tell me that I'm really thin. I look at Lexi and she just goes... "Well.... you're not really fat..."      .... Holy shit. If there's a time to bite your tongue and cram it, that was it Lexi. Good job. 

She is seriously robbing my mom and dad of ALL their money to buy her effing hair extensions, processed food (those 100 calorie dessert bars. She calls them granola bars. Stupid cow), skin and hair products, makeup, clothes that DON'T fit, stupid shit for her room, clothes for her stupid dog, tuition (where she met her professor she was screwing), practicum expenses, gas, therapists she WON'T go see (they don't understand her situation!!!!).... the list goes on. She can drop over $300 on a trip to the drugstore just to "pick up a couple things". 

I can't even stand it. I just want to shake her sometimes. Like, ALL of us have BEGGED her to stop it. My parents are beside themselves. Personally, I would tell them to tell her to bugger off. She wants to eat cheap shit, she can buy her own cheap shit. She wants to order things online? Get your own credit card and figure it out. She wants to go and sleep with her professors? Walk two blocks and screw to your heart's content. She wants to move halfway across the USA to get married? Fine. Don't expect a 5th plane ticket in the mail any time soon, much less someone coming out to GET your sorry ass. But... I'm not a parent. I have no idea what they must be going through. So I offer my opinion when it's asked for... but I try not to judge their decisions. They're wonderful people; it must KILL them to see her do this. 

I'm so angry at her. We try to help her time and time again. We try to save her from unneccessary grief. We try to remind her of what she's been through and help her not to make the same mistakes. What does she do? Pretty much tells us to kiss her ass and throws it in our faces. The rage I feel toward her is insurmountable. HOW can she do that to her PARENTS?? The people who love you and would do ANYTHING for you????? How the hell does that process in your friggin head that it's okay to do that? What is WRONG with you?!?!?!?!

One of these days I'm going to SNAP and just let her have it. All hell is gunna break loose and she'll be looking down the maw of the angry beast that's inside me. I hate her. I hate her for what she's done. I hate her for what she's doing and will continue to do until she utterly destroys herself and takes as many people down with her as she can. This can't (and won't) end well. 

Anyways. I better get dressed, I have to leave in about 30 mins. Sorry for the psychotic rant, hopefully it was overlooked for the most part. Love you girls, welcome to the new readers <3





Wednesday, 18 July 2012


Migraine. Puking.

Excuse for puking?! Don't mind if I do.

Went for a run. Bad decision? Course not.

So stressed with this house crap. Can't figure out how to organize it all. I need sleep.




Monday, 16 July 2012

Post Weekend-ed

Hello my Beautiful Girls.

The weekend was WONDERFUL. My dad ended up chauferring me.... due to the car registry's inability to renew my license. Frig. But it was good. I hadn't spent much time with him lately. We went to see that house... and it's BEAUTIFUL. Hardwood floors, new kitchen cupboards, a fireplace, en suite frontloading washer and drier... a firepit and a HUGE pile of firewood. So we were like... PURCHASE. Felt good.

Found 5 girls for sure sooooo... the house is filled!!! So relieved.

 Then I went to that party.... :) Me and Le Boy chatted for about an hour when I first got there... then I went and talked to other people and then met back up with him at the end. It had started POURING outside so I was standing with him by his front door and he saw the car I had with me (My dad's brand new Grand Cherokee) and he was like OMG. Is that yours? And I was like... wanna see it?? So we ran in the rain out to the car and ended up hanging out for another like hour. And then he was like... "hey so I'm coming down south in August for a family reunion! We should definitely get together!!" Which I didn't think he was going to do because he was so busy with work :) Yay!! He said he wanted to come down even earlier.... and I told him I would get my sister in law (who's great friends with his brother's wife) to convince them. So..... Wonder what he'll do with all that extra time?!.... :))

Went on a long run today with Isabella. I've eaten kinda weird today.... 2.5 hardboiled egg whites, 1/2 a cup of my homemade veggie chili (no sugar), a berry chicken salad from wendy's (I picked out the cheese and only had about 1/3 of the dressing), 1/2 cup of homemade spaghetti sauce made with extra lean beef, and a romaine salad with some miso sesame slaw and a drizzle of diet dressing on top. So kind of a lot... but nothing super terrible.

Me and my other sister (from the states) are gunna watch Jane Eyre. My life is so spectacularly interesting. Wish I had some more juicy gossip for y'all. Stay strong!!

Thanks to: Jackie, Missinsanity, and Thin Thrills (missed you too babe <3 glad to be back)




Friday, 13 July 2012


Hey Hey Beautifuls.

I know it's been a loooooong time.

I've decided that this blog is going to be less focussed on JUST my weight. I just need a place to ramble and rant, and of course my weight is part of that.

I guess I should gloss over what's been going on.... I am home for the summer, helping Isabella plan her wedding. I'm her Maid of Honor soooo.... pretty busy. She wants me to bake her wedding cake. I'll have to show pictures when it's all done :))

My weight has been a little all over the place. I've been down to 113 on my mean scale... which is the same as 108 on the scale I've always used. So a new lowest weight ever. Right now I'm a little higher... just working my way down at the moment. I'm about 3 lbs away from my lowest.... (116) But I usually hover around 114. My measurements are still smaller than they have ever been... which I don't understand. But I'm not complaining.

I'm sick today so I've been eating crap all day... But I've gotten ALOT better at purging... which I'm not really proud of. I guess it's good for the days that I just break.... but sometimes I can use it as an excuse to eat badly. Like oh, it's not a big deal I'll just take care of it later. Either my family is just adopting a "don't ask don't tell" attitude or they are exceptionally unobservant. If they are noticing... I'm thankful for their discretion.

As far as everything else... I'm heading back up north tomorrow to look at a house I'm going to be renting with 5 other girls. That means LITTLE or NO privacy. But I'm excited.... it got pretty lonely in my apartment near the end. Isabella moved out shortly after my grandma passed away... and started dating her new boyfriend (now fiancee) Then I had this CRAZY roommate that ate my food, drank my diet pepsi, left the place filthy all the time, put my brand new set of pots in the DISHWASHER (effing retard) and then to top it all off she flooded the hallway when I told her I was breaking the lease. Can't even talk about it. I like the girls that I'm moving in with though... they seem really sweet and really fun. We are taking this house right off Whyte Ave, it's full of quirky little shops and my new obsession: Tutti Frutti. Love my life.

I'm staying in a hotel ALL BY MYSELF Saturday nite... kind of a fun adventure :) Unless my mom comes with me... seeing as my freaking license is EXPIRED and the car registry can't renew it till MONDAY. Frick me.

So... there's this boy. That I like. Alot. We got set up by his brother... who's MY brother's really good friend. We went on two AWESOME dates. He's just really easy to be around and fun to talk to. And SOOOOO cute. :) And then I moved home for the summer and he stayed up there to work. Sigh...

...I'm totally jumping the gun. But I can't help it... it's been SO long since I've liked a guy. He invited me to his summer bash tomorrow... And I'll just happen to be there because I'm looking at that house!!... So I'll have to update at the end of the weekend. I have to decide what to wear...!!

I have missed all you girls. I'm gunna go read some of your blogs and see what you've been up to.



Thursday, 2 February 2012

Pure Rage.

Oh. My. GOSH. I am ready to absolutely massacre my scale right now. I want to smash it to pieces, and then set it on fire.

120.5?!?!?!?!!!!! What the hell!?

That does NOT even make sense. I stopped eating at like 830 yesterday, had no dessert, and I even purged a little bit. What gives????

Like every day this week I have been good I have gone up 1/4 f a pound. Has this happened to anyone? Or is my body just frigging sociopathic and is hell bent on driving a fricking screw through my gut every day? I do not understand. I don't I don't I don't. Where is this weight coming from? What the hell do I do? My Christmas weight was supposed to be almost gone by now... But I'm no closer to my goal then when I started.

What can I do??? I weight train and go for 2 walks a day. I drink about a liter of water in the morning and another 1.5 thru the day, plus more at night. I eat yogurt and egg whites for breakfast, a salad with measures dressing for lunch fruit for snacks and usually a plate of veggies and lean meat for dinner. The closest thing I have to treats totals 137 calories. Like come ON you stupid body!!!!!

I can't even begin to comprehend this. What is happening to me?????? Help, I think I might go ballistic.

I feel crazy. I'm so frustrated. This weight is like an immovable wall. Like theres no getting past it. Ever. Ever ever ever.........


Stillimagining<3 thanks girl. I hope things are going good for you too. Your such a strong person. Love you.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Frustrations, stressors, and unexpected serenity.

So. Despite my 800-900 calorie days... My weight has crept back up to 120.25.

Partly my fault. I had oatmeal and egg whites for breakfast and a green salad with canned crab for lunch yesterday.... Then didn't eat from noon until 830. Isabella took me out for Lebanese. Shwarma, hummus, garlic sauce, pickled salad and a couple bites of pita. There was a huge portion of rice pilaf which I avoided like the plague. Totally delicious, totally salty. After that we went home and watched a movie. I made one of those 100 cal cakes and a cup of almond milk. So calories were high yesterday (1100 ish... I'm guessing 700 for the Lebanese to be safe) plus I ate it at like 845, and then again at about 10. NOT healthy to eat that late.

I've packed yogurt (70) egg whites (34) an apple(80) a green salad (30) pan seared fish and peppers(100) and salad dressing (100) for today. Running total of 414. Should be ok. I'll try to eat earlier today too. Tonight I think we are having taco salad... Which for me consists of lettuce meat and salsa. Maybe black bean.

My grandma passed away yesterday morning. I'll spare the details, but she got sick very quickly and went very peacefully. I was able to spend time with her over the Christmas holidays... Totally priceless time. I can't express how grateful I am to have that. I'm going to try to get my midterm moved from Friday to Thursday so I can leave earlier. We will have the funeral this saturday at 2. But I would like to be home for the whole weekend. Hopefully my professor has mercy on me.

I'm feeling rather at peace this morning, despite being without my grandma and being heavy and exhausted. I had time to do everything I needed to this morning without much rush. It helps I didn't put on makeup lol!

I hope everyone has a beautiful day and it brings them everything they need. Much love girls.



Special thanks: friend of Ana and thin thrills. You girls are too sweet. <3 I hope I was able to give him a flicker of hope... :)

Monday, 30 January 2012


And it's only Monday. Not good, SO not good.

Bright side... I was only up .5 a pound from this weekend. I knew I wasn't going to go down. I never do when I'm home. But we are going in the right direction... Less up.

I'm hungry right now... And I have an apple in my bag. I should eat it, but I hate eating on the run. It makes me feel out of control. So I'm going to wait.

I saw a homeless man on the bus today. You see alot of ragged people on the bus. Dirty hair, ripped clothes, old shoes. Clutching their transfer tickets like they were the most precious of commodities. Most of them are quiet, reserved. Their eyes wander from face to face, defensively. They know they are being judged, and they resent it.

This man was different. He had all he telltale markers. The shabby appearance, the backpack that anything but matched his age category. I noticed his legs first. So thin his knees bulged out like wiffleballs. His knuckles were gnarled, and his face was sunken. He must have not eaten in weeks. Then I noticed his eyes. Instead of the usual hardness, his eyes looked like they could well with tears any moment. His expression was of pure desperation. When he looked at me I could all but hear him plead for help.

I knew I had to do something. I slipped my hand in my change purse and pulled out the biggest bill I had... A ten. Not overly impressive. I wondered how I would get it to him without being noticed. I didn't want him to be embarrassed. Then, almost on cue, he fell asleep one stop before I had to get off. And better still, the hand holding his transfer ticket was slightly open, not tightly clutched like most.

As the bus stopped, I funnelled the bill into a tube. I stood up, my heart pounding in my chest. The doors opened, I slipped the bill in his hand. He jarred awake, and I bailed. I actually knocked someone over in he process... So embarrassing!! Stupid overfilled backpack.

I have no idea what he is going to do with that $10. I hope he buys himself something to eat. It's funny isn't it? How I myself crave to feel the pangs of hunger, but seeing another in that state breaks my heart?

More than anything I hope he feels like someone somewhere cares.


Saturday, 28 January 2012

Hi girlies!

So day two on my vacation! Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had so much diet Pepsi my bone density is about 2% less than it was before. Ugh. So now I have this great metallic taste in my mouth.

I was ravenous when I got to my parents.... And I managed to stave it off until I made a green salad with romaine celery and cucumber. I had ALOT of that... And probably about a cup of lasagna... But I managed to avoid the noodles. Then I had a small piece of carrot cake. And then another little one about half the size. Blah.

Skipped breakfast today, and then took calcium pills on an empty stomach. Not smart of me.... And I weighed on my moms scale which is about 3 pounds lighter than mine at home. It read about 115... So I'm thinking I'm around 118-119 still. Which is good. At least I haven't gained.

So. Today. I'm going to just drink a TON of water. And eat with the family... But eat as little as I can. Chinese is super salty so hopefully I can chug enough water to flush it all out.

Sitting in a chair with hair dye on. First time getting it done in... Like 9 months. I need my ends trimmed so badly!! An old friend of Isabella does our hair... And you can imagine how many words I'm getting in: about none. Ha!

These last few weeks have been super rough and tiring. I'm a month into my monster semester... With no bright spot in sight. You know when you watch a movie about like time loops? Where people are stuck in the same day over and over? And the signal for the start of the day is a hideous sounding alarm clock? That's my life, only my wake up call happens walking to the bus stop with a 50lb backpack, pitch black skies and slushy sidewalks. I am VERY aware of what day it is, what time it is, and how far I am from the weekend. I wish the days would meld together and suddenly it would be April.

Winter has an iron grip on me, and it shows no sign of release. The days are short and dark. Im as alone as ever. It's totally weighing on my psyche. And that guy is blowing up Isabella's phone like there's no tomorrow. Isabella is exceptionally selfish these days. Very single minded with little regard for anyone else. I feel like I complain about her alot. I should let up.... I really do love her. She's my best friend.. But does she ever try my patience. And frustrate me.

Anyway. This blog is getting excessively long, and I should probably cap it here. Stay strong Beautifuls, have a lovely Saturday!



Special thanks to: stillimagining and amber-angelxo. Much love babes<3

Friday, 27 January 2012

Getting organized!!

Took one from your book, friend of Ana!!

I'm on my way home for the weekend.. And ive got to plan this out or I'll probably gain back the weight I have lost.

Today I have eaten oatmeal, egg whites, and then some turkey chili with eggplant wedges. My mom decided to make spinach lasagna for our welcome home dinner... And made a carrot cake. So the plan is to have a big salad and around a cup of lasagna. Maybe a small slice of carrot cake.

Saturday we are going for Chinese so I will stick to veggies and lean protein (tofu and shrimp). Breakfast will be either yogurt and fruit or maybe egg whites and a little cottage cheese. Dinner will probably be a salad or leftover lasagna.

I'm just going to try to keep my portions small and my water intake high. I think that will keep my weight ok over the weekend. I haven't had any treats all week so something small should be alright.... I hope.

I hope you all have lovely weekends!! Think thin girls.



Thanks to: stillimagining. Omg I know he's so creepy! My phone is being weird and won't let me comment on your blog!! Still reading and will comment when I get back to my compy :)

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Well it only took 4 days. Down to 119... So down 1.5. A few more to go.... Can I lose 3 lbs in 1.4 weeks? Hope so.

Tomorrow I get to go home for the weekend... And I couldn't be more ready. My gosh I am so ready.

Food for today:
B: Oatmeal 120
2 egg whites 34
L: 1/2 cup grilled chicken 150
Lettuce: 20
7 cherry tomatos: 14
Balsamic vinegar: 20
Sn: almost 1 cup blueberries: 80

Running total: 429

We have alot of lettuce to go through by tomorrow so salad will probably be on the menu tonight.

I received yet another Facebook message from this super creepy guy.... This makes it the 15th message he has sent me I have left unanswered. 15 is my magic number. Going to block and report him tonight. And he is getting like... Angry now. "are you EVER going to give me a chance??? Or are you just goin tO listen to the gossip??" uhh actually I don't waste my time gossiping about you. You're just freakin creepy.

Ugh. I need a nice boy to stalk me.



Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Meltdown? Sure, why not.

Yesterday I didn't eat my apple and had a 100 cal mug cake with fat free cool whip instead. I also had a complete mental crisis. Sigh, I feel like I have alot of those :/

I'm just so homesick. I hate this city. I hate this horrible bus I'm sitting on. I hate getting up for school, throwing myself on the floor to do pushups and triceps and ab workouts and leg lifts every morning. I hate drinking water. I hate counting these stupid calories. Normal people don't count hard boiled egg white calories.

I hate being so alone. I hate isabella. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I was sitting at the table studying last night for 2 major tests this week... And she waltzes up and demands I get skype working for her on MY effing computer no less to talk to that boy that is MY FREAKING age!!! I had to blast my iPod to drown them out.

It's just so unjust. She gets to make horrible decisions and mess up her life and well look at that, this just falls into her lap. Me... I've tried so hard to know what to do thats right. I've tried to be the best I can and here I am. 120.5 pounds for the third day in a damn row, hating my life.

I just feel like such a disappointment. I can't even keep my weight down. Everything seems so bad right now. I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I can't wait for tonight, I can lock myself in my bathroom and cry until I can't anymore.

Packed this today:
B: 2 egg white 34
2 yog. 70
L: bit of chili. 200
Lettuce. 30
Grated cheese.90
S: apple. 80
Running total: 504

Should give me an ok buffer for a small supper. Maybe soup. Bring me up to 700 cals. Not like it matters anyways. I'll probably way even more tomorrow.



Special thanks to: stillimagining and friend of Ana. Your support makes me feel less alone. So grateful for you girls.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

I did not have any treats yesterday, but my calories ended up a little over 900. And I guess that's better than 1500. Today the plan is this:

B: 2 yogurts and an apple 150
L: canned crab 65
Green salad 40
Balsamic vinegar 20
Drizzle of olive oil 20
Total: 145
S: popcorn 150
D: homemade turkey chili 300
Total: 745

Seems reasonable.

I'm going home in 3 nights... Which I am riveted about. I'm so homesick lately. All I want to do is be in my own bed. Unfortunately an acquaintance from back home has also moved up here or school... And wanted a ride back. I wasn't thrilled but whatever. Well NOW one of her friends wants to come too! She's all "he would do the same for me if he found a ride!"

Well then he better pack light and bring gas money, cuz we always come home with lots of stuff and if you aren't paying your way... You'll be the first thing we dump, not the free diet pop and soaps and blankets that will soon be bestowed upon us.... That reminds me. I should text her and say its ok. Blegh. So NOT a fun drive with so many people. Supposed to be just me and Isabella.... Until this girl invited herself along.

Thanks to: thinspirationloner. Love ya babe <3




Monday, 23 January 2012

So.... This isn't working.

Late January is much too long to hold into holiday weight. Seriously. I've GOT to get a grip.

I've been telling myself that I'll blog when I have losses to tell about. I've convinced myself that's the only reason I should be blogging anyway. If I don't lose, I don't deserve to have this blog, much less post in it.

I had forgotten that this blog is meant to keep me on track.

So starting today I'm going to blog every single day until this christmas weight comes off. I have 4 lbs to go until I am back to where I was before Christmas. I can do this in max 2 weeks. Seems reasonable, doesn't it?

My biggest things are eating after 7 pm. More specifically, eating bad things after 7pm. My meals are very healthy. Yogurt and egg whites or fruit for breakfast, usually soup or leftovers for lunch and salad with homemade dressing for supper. Light snacks like air popped popcorn or veggies. So it's gotta be the treats.

NO treats today. My meal plan is as follows:

B: 2 source yogurts 70
Apple: 80

L: 1 cup white bean spinach soup: 150

S: popcorn: 200

D: probably a salad: 300

That gives me a total of 800. I'm also planning on getting on the bike today. Here's to the next two weeks. And say goodbye to this crappy Christmas bulk!!




Sunday, 15 January 2012

Sunday morning.

I'm down to 119.75 these last two days. Which I guess is good, considering I've only been back on track for 3 days (Starting at some 121.5 lbs.) So almost two pounds gone. I guess that is a good rate... But not as fast as I would like.

School near killed me this week. 7 labs that are two hours each a week plus 4 hours of classroom a day. I have 4 tests this week. None of which I have studied for. I'm just sick of it already. I'm beginning to wonder if I chose the right career.

Anyway. I've been pondering on my life alot lately... Specifically superimposing where I am on the path of my life and where I THINK I should be. Obviously these are not conducive to eachother. There are a lot of areas where I want to be further progressed than I am. I'd like to be thinner, more on top of my studies, have a boyfriend, be more positive, having more friends..... Lots of things. Sometimes it can be very frustrating, especially because I feel like I'm trying to be better and toiling to improve myself.... But I feel like I just don't have it in me. Like I don't have the potential.

But then I thought about it like this:

It's like chipping away at a block of marble. Bit by bit. It takes time to sculpt a masterpiece, but persistence and focus is key. Focussing on the end goal. Doing your best every day. It takes time and patience. It takes thought, care, and determination. And I expect alot of myself, so there is alot of refining to do. It will take longer for me to finish my masterpiece than others to finish theirs. There is more to carve. More details I wish to engrave. More excess to chip away. Sleeker lines, a finer design. A longer path, but in my eyes a greater one.

My heart is good, my intent is pure. My will is stronger than my arm. I just need to give my arm time to catch up... And that is hard for me to understand and accept.

I will get there.




Monday, 9 January 2012

Hurrah for Sunday night binges.


Great start to the week!.... Oh wait.

I was down to 118.75 on Saturday, but of course on Sundays I always mess it up.

Sunday wasn't a particularly good day for me. Isabella and I attended church... Which was a little disheartening. Let me explain that. I haven't been thrilled about going back to the city... And less thrilled about going back to school. I thought that maybe if I jut got through the week I could go to church and meet back up with friends and meet some new people I would feel better about being back. I planned to wear this fabulous new coat i got for christmas and ruin B's day. I even imagined maybe there would be a new boy or two to scope out.

Everything I was hoping to happen... Didn't. In fact, as fate would have it, the opposite did. I felt depressed the whole day. B wasn't even THERE... And the new arrivals are pretty much more girls. After that, I found out that the dad of a girl I used to dance with has been havig an affair with some whore half his age... Who just so happened to be on the receiving end of alot of service and care provided by my own mother following the whore's marriage dissolving last year. I can't even say how disgusted I am.

Skipped breakfast today. Brought leftover veggies and ham for lunch. Not sure what's for dinner. Maybe some soup. I'm going to go work out after class. Hopefully a lower number tomorrow.

Love you Beautifuls, stay strong.



Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Just face the music.

That's what I said to myself yesterday morning, eyeballing my scale. I'm terrified to get on. I know it will be bad. I had a 650 cal day, ruined by a run in with peanut butter rice krispies. But, it's my own damned fault. I did this to myself, and now it's time to own up to it. Assess the damage.

I step on, holding my breath. Please let it be ok....


Perfect. 5 pounds. 5 more reasons to hate myself.

This morning.... 120.75. 4 reasons to skip breakfast.

Intake today: 1/3 cup fat free yogurt and an apple: 115 cal
1 cup leftover stir fry: peas, celery, mushrooms, red pepper, sesame oil: 250
2 egg whites: 34

Running total: 399 cal.

Planning on salad tonight. Isabella wants a movie and popcorn, which is a light enough snack I suppose. Lots of fiber.

Hopefully my scale will give me better news tomorrow morning.

Thanks for the birthday wishes zap fire and friend of Ana.... Love you girls.

And welcome to my new readers <3 leave me a comment if you want a follow.



Monday, 2 January 2012

Happy Birthday, Ace.

Today was MY birthday. And not just any birthday... It was my 21st birthday. My dad took me out and bought me a set of triclad cookware.... Now I don't have to eat all my food with a dash of Teflon... Woo! My mom took me out a few days ago for birthday lunch (lobster tails... Decadent and low cal.) and bought me my favorite perfume and two books.

I had been doing well with food this holiday... Not binging or snacking. Drinking obscene amounts of water.... Like 4L+ a day. Keeping treats to a minimum. And most importantly.... Staying Ontop of my purging (that is... Frequently.) weighing about the same within 1-2 lbs.

Yesterday that all went to crap. We had our belated turkey dinner.... Complete with cinnamon buns for dessert. I got rid of as much as i could... But it all felt like a drop in the bucket at that point. I ate nothing today... And then it was the birthday dinner. Japanese.

I ended up ordering chicken donburi but I got it grilled instead of deep fried. Gave away some of it... And then the cake. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting. My favorite. I have it every year on my birthday. So japanese and cake. Lovely.

Im at wits end with isabella. My dad an I came home with the Japanese to find her throwing a fit about her life (which lasted for the entirety of my birthday dinner). She couldn't be bothered to ask if I was having a happy birthday or anything. And this is after she has spent the last two weeks blaming me for everything going wrong with her life. I won't even delve into that can of worms today. The list is pretty extensive.

We go back tomorrow. And I start school the next day. I'm not ready to go back yet. I love being at home. I love my bed and my family and lazy mornings. I love all the diet pop and my walk in shower and my cat. I love the promise of tomorrow and the distance from all the people I can't stand. I love hanging out with my parents. They are so weird.... But they are the people I know love me.

That was all from the 31st... Then I got sidetracked and didn't end up finishing or posting it. Sigh. So much less dramatic.