Thursday, 29 September 2011

So... Yep. I'm still here. I figured it was time to post.. To let you all know I am still kickin it.

I had a few more bad days since that last post... Isabella has been gone just shy of a week. I have no idea why she wont come home but I've become more acclimated to my solitary existence. I've been eating more treats than usual... Substituting them for actual food. Not wise. I just end up purging and having a killer headache after along with that awful taste in my mouth. Still hovering anywhere from 117.75-118.5... I think I might be getting my period soon. I never really know... It's always been irregular. And when I was thinner I lost it for about a year. The day I got it back... That was a dark day.

I've been trying to just be happy lately. I figure I just need to trust things will work out if I'm doing the best I can. There's nothing more I can do besides my best anyways. I have to trust that God and my family and my friends will be there for me. So that's my new thing. Do your best, hope for the rest, and go forward boldly with confidence. There is no point in wasting time worrying. That time is precious and better spent elsewhere ( like studying, in my case)

I think I will stop eating early in the mornings.... And just eat at like 9 or 10. Sometimes I can even get through the whole day without eating. Today I packed yogurt strawberries and a small apple. I would have not brought anything because didactic ends at ten... But I have to stay for lunch hour to practice scanning for a test I have Monday. I've been reading blogs and catching up this morning.... But I will comment on them later today.

Special shout out to all the beautiful comments on my last post.

JP. I just love you. You are such a wonderful friend and a beautiful person. You inspire me and lift me up and I am so grateful for that.

Thin thrills: your comment was so touching. My heart hurts for you and your suffering. We can all get through this. Together. I know it. Stay strong beautiful. You are deserving of a beautiful life.

Drink me: ain't that the truth :) best feeling in the world.

Time to get off the bus. Love you ladies. Stay strong.



Friday, 23 September 2011

Why am I still awake?

I haven't been up this late in a while. Isabella left to go home for the weekend... she's taking an eyelash perming course. She left before I got home from school and will be gone until probably Monday. I've watched 3 movies already. Showered. Ate. Drank a lot of diet pepsi. Read a little bit.... how is it still Friday?

Yesterday Isabella asked me if I was happy. In that moment I had no energy to lie.... so I told her the truth: something she doesn't often hear from me. I told her I wasn't. I told her that my life is so stressful and busy that I don't really have time to think about it. I don't have time to fully contemplate how desperately lonely I have become.

... Being alone these past few hours has brought it crashing down on me like high tide.

This feeling is like nothing else you could ever experience. It's a literal hole in your heart.... and the more you think about it the deeper it bores. It's chilling, crushing, and cruel. It hurts more than someone breaking your heart... because if it's broken at least it's been touched. I feel shriveled, ragged, and sick.

The silence is unbearable. The void is immeasurably black. The doors have been ripped off their hinges and exposed every skeleton I wished to hide. I have unearthed a terrifying truth: I pave the path to my own destruction.

I'd give anything in the world right now for someone to be here with me. Someone who knew me. Someone who could see past all the armor I wear. Someone who saw that deep in my heart, I am so very fragile. Breakable. Someone who could love me... and would make me feel safe. I'm so tired of taking care of just myself. I have never felt this emptiness.

The only things that keep me going are my prayers... and the scale. Here's to a lower number in the morning. Cheers ladies.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

All Isabella does is cry these days. Am I a bad person if the sound makes me crazy and makes me want to crack her across the face?


A loss is a loss is a loss.... Right?? We will go with that.

Thursdays are good days. One class. Tomorrow is Friday. Happiness.

There's a really cute boy in my church class I went to last night.... Like, REALLY cute. Will I date him? Probably not. But it's a nice thing to look forward to on a normally dreary Wednesday.

I spent half of yesterday consoling a bawling Isabella. Like... There are only so many times you can blather about the same thing and cry your eyes out and e hysterical before you are beating a dead horse. And believe me... She ran past that line and never looked back. Frick. How many times can you say "no, you aren't worthless. You are strong smart and certainly capable of anything you want to do." without getting bloody tired of it?? I need to count next time she has a meltdown. Which will probably be today. I don't think she got enough sleep last night... Which almost positively equals a boiling over of emotional fits.

I have this friend. He is a boy. NOT my boyfriend. He's cool and funny and makes me feel.... A little stressed. Stressed about being good enough. I like him, but I can already tell he won't do anything but disappoint me. So I'm trying to instead focus on the more important things. School, church, my blog.... We will call him B. So whenever I talk about B.... You now know why.

Anyway... One class then Isabella ad I are going downtown to get a refund on her tuition. Then.... Hitting the books hard. Test tomorrow.. Chapters to read and things to study. It's good though... I'm starting to find my pattern. Just gotta keep it up. I feel like I'm letting my relationships slip though. I haven't emailed this one friend of mine in weeks. I Gould do that today. Well, now I'm just rambling.

Special welcome to all my new readers. Thank you for your love and support. I will check out all your blogs soon!! And update my reading list.

Stay skinny!!



Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The report.

Soooo... After my Sunday fast ( I ended up just not eating until Monday morning) I lost 1.25 lbs. I ate yesterday.. Egg whites, an apple, yogurt, a salad and some homemade spaghetti sauce. Kind of bad... But nothing after that! This morning I weighed in at 119 even. So that'd a pound and a half.. Which I'm happy about I guess.

Im probably doing another fast this Sunday. They are just a good day to do it. I get to sleep in and go to church for a few hours and I'm done. And it helps to start Monday off right with an empty body.

Speaking if which. Because of my fast and lack of fatty foods... My lab partner (the rude one) had the easiest time finding everything in my abdomen while she was scanning me. For me... It was a little harder because she EATS all the freaking time!!! Tons if fat too. Bagels and cream cheese, wraps with dressing, granola bars... It's like holy crap girl. Stop eating for five seconds.

Anyway. I have a bit of reading to do this morning so I better get to that. Much love to all you beautiful ladies. Think thin!!!




Saturday, 17 September 2011

Possibly TMI...

I apologize if this post is too graphic for some.... but I have a burning question.

Preface: I've been doing really good for the last while. I've resisted (without trouble) everything from doughnuts to timbits to chocolate to the fondue party yesterday. Food has been shoved in my face and I'm like... please. As if I'd eat that.

I have discovered a crack in my defenses: my own baking. I've never ever been a binger. Sure I'd eat too much now and again, but I never ate just to have something in my face. Tonight, I did. It was over before I even realized it happened, so I've spent the last two hours chugging probably 2 liters of water, doing cardio and purging as best I can. 

Question: When you purge.. does it come out bit by bit? Or a lot at once like when you are really sick? For me (right now at least) it's bit by bit... makes it hard to know how much has come out and how much is left to go. I'm sure I haven't purged enough... or I'd feel better, right?

One more confession: If I weigh low in the morning, I feel entitled not to restrict as much. Not consciously of course... it's just like an impression I have for the day. I know, it sounds SOOOO stupid.

Oh yeah, have oatmeal for breakfast and crackers at lunch. Carbs don't hurt THAT much... Someone slap me!! I don't deserve to not restrict for at LEAST 10 pounds. It aint gunna come off by it's freaking self! And sitting in a chair at school all day sure doesn't merit toast in the morning. I've GOT to get it together. 

I finished my binge at probably 5... so fasting until at LEAST 5 tomorrow. After that... foods allowed are going to be posted. Go check it out if you have a minute, if you have any comments BY ALL MEANS. Go for it!

This week is my week. I really don't want to become a purger... I'd rather just not eat at all. FRICK. It's taking forever to write this post. I keep having to run to the sink.... :\

I love you all. Thank you for reading and for commenting. Think thin ladies, you're beautiful.



I'll die to be perfect

Friday, 16 September 2011

I feel like someone injected an entire cloud right into my skull. You know that psycho ex of mine? The one I went on a huge rant about? Well he sent me a Facebook message asking me to let him "rest in pieces". Oh please. So I sent him one back and pretty much told him to grow up and get over the fact he was way out of his league... And that I learned my lesson ad would never let myself be treated like that again.

His roommate sent me a message back calling me a self righteous whore. And then said we would have words when he got back to town. I don't know why but I was convinced he was going to go to my parents house and do somethig terrible. I just lost it and started bawling. Isabella facebooked him back and said something to the effect of he'd get charged with assault if he talked to me again.

I didn't fall asleep until at least 130. Up at 630. Had to run to catch my bus... Which isn't a bad thing in itself. Just a stressor I didn't need this morning.

I'm alone this weekend. Isabella left to go see our sister and help with my niece's birthday. She won't be back until Saturday night. Late. Isabella practically shoved eggs and oatmeal down my throat.., but it was plain oatmeal and I only ate a little of the egg.

The day isn't nearly over and I'm wiped. Still have a two hour professionalism class, an hour meeting with joey, two hours on abdomen and an hour medical terminology test. After I need to go to the grocery store and buy a pineapple or something. Fondue party at a friends house tonight. Im not worried about resisting... I'm worried about people noticing.

Much love


Tuesday, 13 September 2011

First off... Thank you for the beautiful comments on my last post. You ladies are wonderful. It made me feel so much better. Love you all so much.

Nextly. I weighed this morning... 120.5. I have no idea where those two pounds went and I don't care. They just better stay gone. I am assuming that is due to ringing in at a little over 200 cals yesterday.

Third on the docket: I took my anatomy test today. And I think it went well. I for sure didn't fail!.. Results soon. The girl who is my mean lab partner brought me a doughnut. It was very nice of her... But dang is that ever inconvenient. Im just waiting for an opportunity to stuff it in my bag to throw out ASAP. "this will be good on the bus ride home!" what a good lie. :)

My intake today is already more than yesterday... But I needed a little brainfood for my test.

As of 2:30 pm
Egg whites. 35
Yogurt: 40
Apple: 80
3 rye crackers: 100
3 tbsp hummus: 120 ( I didn't eat it all but better safe than sorry)
1 tbsp cilantro nut paste: 100 ish
Cucumber and celery: 20

Running total: 395

I better start studying my medical terminology. Isabella and I are having a little party tonight... And I don't want to do any homework when I get home! So tired this morning... I thought I was gunna die. I'll update if I eat anything else.

Here's hoping for a smaller number tomorrow. Stay strong my Beautifuls!



Monday, 12 September 2011

Reality.. Checked.

Finally got a new scale. And it's not as kind as the one at home. Says I'm 6 lbs heavier than I thought. So that puts me at a whopping 122.5. Hurrah.

I had lab today... second day of scanning and I feel just as retarded as the first time. And to make matters worse my partner (who is this rude little brat that just graduated from HS) is like apparently bloody awesome at it. And I am just this moron who doesn't deserve to be there.

I feel so sad today. I listened to all my ballet music from this past year on the way home and just felt my heart sink deeper in my chest. It's like the light has gone out of me. There's no magic inside me anymore. Everything I loved about myself no longer applies. I'm an ex ballerina, an ex skinny girl, an ex overachiever.

This is strange because I was feeling good yesterday. I felt hopeful about my life and where it was going. I felt like I had a sense of control and footing... but the carpet was really ripped from underneath me today.

I'm sorry my posts have been such a drag to read lately. Thanks for continuing to read and comment, you ladies are wonderful and beautiful and a bright spot in my life. This blog is my only flicker of normalcy these days. Everything else is... out of my reach.

I love you all and hope you are doing well. Be strong, be safe.



Intake as of 2:00 pm:

2 egg whites : 34
1/2 cup yogurt: 40
1 medium apple: 80

As of 5:58 pm:

2 pieces celery: 30

Running total: 184

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Just some ramblings.

My mom was supposed to come up and visit today... and of course it's not happening.

After I had called her absolutely falling apart she said she would drive up Tuesday. Then it was pushed to Wednesday, and now Thursday. I'm so upset I feel like I don't want her to come up at all.

Intake has been 800 or less for the last two days. It's good in the fact that is less than 1000... and I'm not really trying to restrict. But I know it should be lower. Water is helping. I drink 1/2 a litre at breakfast, 1 litre throughout the school day and at least 1/2 a litre when I get home. Then 2 glasses with supper.

I was at school for 9 solid hours yesterday. I had a late afternoon lab, so I went for a swim during my break. Man I'm out of shape. My arms were so tired!.. So I think I'll keep doing that to lean them out a bit. Hopefully I don't bulk up... I don't think they can if I'm not swimming every day?

Not knowing what I weigh is killing me. I'm so scared it's going to be BAD when I get on. It's like weight has a mind of it's own and even if you don't eat much and don't eat bad things... if you don't watch it like a hawk it will creep up on you.... Just because it wants to torture you.

How amazing would it be if you saw a picture of yourself on someone's thinspo??

PS: Hello to all my new readers.. it's always nice to know more and more are listening :)

Much Love,



Sunday, 4 September 2011

"You're so thin. Did you know that?"

..... Says the 5 foot nothing 85 pound girl in my CPR class. Can you believe I thought she was talking to the bandage she was tying around my shoulder?

I hate when people do that. I can't tell if they are lying or not.

Friday, 2 September 2011

A new month, a new me.

I had a huge meltdown last night. Called my mom... Absolutley hysterical. I can't even remember what I was saying. You know this times where it doesn't feel like you saying it? Like you are just in your head listening?

This came about from the hellish nights f studying prior. I feel like there's no way I can stay caught up. My sister got me a bowl of ice cream... And I put it back. Egg whites and water for breakfast.. And I packed 3 tbps of hummus, 3 fiber rye crackers and an apple for lunch. And of course a big water bottle.

I'm wearing my thin jeans today. They did up no problem... But I would like them looser so I can wear leggings underneath.

The errand list never seems to get smaller...

Pick up scrubs
Exchange faulty lamp
Buy a hair straightener
Find the place I take CPR at
Buy more computer paper, ink, and binders.

Jeez. Hope you all have days of loss. Much love to you all.


Thursday, 1 September 2011


.....because all the cool bloggers were doing it.

Totally overwhelmed with homework right now. I really should be studying medical terminology... And anatomy. And physics. And also my abdomen lab. And that's only the beginning.

I'm feeling less out of control today. Less insane. I'm eating more than I would like.... But it will be ok. My measurements are still the same. Which is good, yet bad. Bittersweet.

My jeans are loose enough to be comfy again... But I could do with a little more room.

Side note: I hate people that are ignorant about food. This girl in my year was telling me how my favorite salad from earls is SOOO unhealthy or whatever.... And meanwhile she is seriously super chunky. It's like... Yeah. Since I will take any food advice from you. At my fattest I'm half your size. And I don't ever have heart disease belly fat. So... Good one. Yeah go ahead and think avocado is bad for you. Eat your plate of white noodles and Alfredo sauce and not add any chicken "because of the calories." when it is actually all the white carbs giving you that nice belly you are sporting. Retard.

Sigh. People... I swear. Like I'm not as thin as I want to be right now.... But come on. My bmi is still right on the cusp of underweight and I'm eatin whatever the hell I want lately. Apparently I'm on to something.

Rant: over. Feel free to leave your thoughts on the subject. I better study so I don't get even more behind. Much love.