Thursday, 2 February 2012

Pure Rage.

Oh. My. GOSH. I am ready to absolutely massacre my scale right now. I want to smash it to pieces, and then set it on fire.

120.5?!?!?!?!!!!! What the hell!?

That does NOT even make sense. I stopped eating at like 830 yesterday, had no dessert, and I even purged a little bit. What gives????

Like every day this week I have been good I have gone up 1/4 f a pound. Has this happened to anyone? Or is my body just frigging sociopathic and is hell bent on driving a fricking screw through my gut every day? I do not understand. I don't I don't I don't. Where is this weight coming from? What the hell do I do? My Christmas weight was supposed to be almost gone by now... But I'm no closer to my goal then when I started.

What can I do??? I weight train and go for 2 walks a day. I drink about a liter of water in the morning and another 1.5 thru the day, plus more at night. I eat yogurt and egg whites for breakfast, a salad with measures dressing for lunch fruit for snacks and usually a plate of veggies and lean meat for dinner. The closest thing I have to treats totals 137 calories. Like come ON you stupid body!!!!!

I can't even begin to comprehend this. What is happening to me?????? Help, I think I might go ballistic.

I feel crazy. I'm so frustrated. This weight is like an immovable wall. Like theres no getting past it. Ever. Ever ever ever.........


Stillimagining<3 thanks girl. I hope things are going good for you too. Your such a strong person. Love you.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Frustrations, stressors, and unexpected serenity.

So. Despite my 800-900 calorie days... My weight has crept back up to 120.25.

Partly my fault. I had oatmeal and egg whites for breakfast and a green salad with canned crab for lunch yesterday.... Then didn't eat from noon until 830. Isabella took me out for Lebanese. Shwarma, hummus, garlic sauce, pickled salad and a couple bites of pita. There was a huge portion of rice pilaf which I avoided like the plague. Totally delicious, totally salty. After that we went home and watched a movie. I made one of those 100 cal cakes and a cup of almond milk. So calories were high yesterday (1100 ish... I'm guessing 700 for the Lebanese to be safe) plus I ate it at like 845, and then again at about 10. NOT healthy to eat that late.

I've packed yogurt (70) egg whites (34) an apple(80) a green salad (30) pan seared fish and peppers(100) and salad dressing (100) for today. Running total of 414. Should be ok. I'll try to eat earlier today too. Tonight I think we are having taco salad... Which for me consists of lettuce meat and salsa. Maybe black bean.

My grandma passed away yesterday morning. I'll spare the details, but she got sick very quickly and went very peacefully. I was able to spend time with her over the Christmas holidays... Totally priceless time. I can't express how grateful I am to have that. I'm going to try to get my midterm moved from Friday to Thursday so I can leave earlier. We will have the funeral this saturday at 2. But I would like to be home for the whole weekend. Hopefully my professor has mercy on me.

I'm feeling rather at peace this morning, despite being without my grandma and being heavy and exhausted. I had time to do everything I needed to this morning without much rush. It helps I didn't put on makeup lol!

I hope everyone has a beautiful day and it brings them everything they need. Much love girls.



Special thanks: friend of Ana and thin thrills. You girls are too sweet. <3 I hope I was able to give him a flicker of hope... :)