Monday 29 August 2011

So... this is hard.

I don't know how I feel about this whole living away from home crap. Or this public transit crap. Or this getting up at 6 crap.

Lots of crap. LOTS.

I had my first day of classes today... and I have a hot date tonight!!... with my textbooks. Eff.

I've GOT to get my stress under control. When I stress I crave sugar. And then I cave. The only possible thing I have been doing alright is not snacking.

I don't even know what the hell I weigh, the new scale won't zero properly. So I have to take that piece back and find another one.

Living on my own is so much harder than I thought. I just got LEFT here. My mom and dad helped me get my boxes to my apartment... and then they said goodbye and drove home. I had nothing but a case of diet pepsi and my dad's birthday cake that I made for him in my fridge. I just don't know. I don't understand why they would leave me like this. I have barely even BEEN to this city before, much less driven or navigated it. I've never used a bus in my bloody life. I don't even have a lamp so I can see in my room at night (no overhead lighting...). I have no friends or family here except Isabella who's more lost within herself than I am. So I've been abandoned in a city of millions, alone and ill prepared. I missed my stop on the bus home today and ended up sitting on the whole loop it took... over an hour. I texted my dad in tears and the first thing he asked was if I made it to class or not.

...

Well of COURSE I made it to class. That's all that is important apparently. I'm scared, alone, sad and exhausted from BUILDING all my furniture I bought and hauled up to my 5th floor apartment... And I'm wicked stressed because I'm POSITIVE I've gained weight... but I can't weigh myself because this stupid scale I got is complete garbage and all they care about is if I got to school that day.

I can't breathe. It's like they don't even care I'm gone. Like they don't even miss me. They stuffed me up in this apartment like a book on a shelf. Another neatly compartmentalized part of their lives; tucked away to gather dust... indefinitely. "Yes, it was quite a good book, but I don't imagine I'll read it again for some time." That's what I am. But what they don't realize is they won't be able to just brush off the dust and start over at Chapter One. Who knows what I'll become by then.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel better. I'm quickly closing myself up from everyone around me. I can feel it. My fingers have completely slipped from the chokehold I had on my life. Everything is in flux. I just want to be alone. Small. Compartmentalized. Like a book on a shelf.












Thank you for your continued support through my weakness. It means more than you know.

3 comments:

  1. You need to smoke some weed. Then you will feel better. You think I'm being sarcastic; I'm not. I had the same experience when I first got to college.

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  2. ok just relax and take a deep breath. close your eyes. take another deep breath. and one more. slowly open your eyes and smile. things are going to get better. we all want to just be alone and small and such sometimes. we will be small someday soon but we dont want to be there alone. tomorrow will be better if you just make it better. think of the good things.
    <3

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  3. I crave sugar when I'm stressed too. And cheese. It's an annoying habit.

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