Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Willowy Wednesday

Ha. Not Willowy yet... but soon. I hope.

Yesterday was a vast improvement from Monday. I counted my intake calories... Monday was clocking in at around 1500. Disgusting. And as such my weight was up on Tuesday. But YESTERDAY my calories were around 770. So by halving my calories I'm down to 108 today. First goal: reached.

I am rethinking my whole mindset. I was looking thru thinspo the other day and I read this quote. And it said "Once you taste success it becomes addicting." SO true. Bad days happen. But berating myself doesn't motivate me. Success does. When I see that lower number on the scale or I see how few calories I've eaten it makes me feel strong. It makes me feel powerful. Like I can keep going. And starving. And restricting. And going to bed hungry is the best feeling in the world.

Funny how that is. When I'm skinny I love being hungry. I love going to bed empty. When I'm fat... I can't stand being hungry. I can't sleep when my tummy growls.

When I'm skinny the world makes sense. I have order. I have purpose. And it's coming back. The first goal reached is a nice milestone. Now it's time for real fat loss. I've gotta buckle down. Less than 1000 calories EVERY day.

I've also had an epiphany as to why just doing South Beach won't let me lose the weight. South Beach is for super fat people who are obese and eat terrible. It won't let me be underweight. Especially with unlimited proteins. I've realized... it doesn't REALLY matter what I eat as long as I don't eat a lot. I just have to stay on my calorie budget and work out. Like yesterday. For supper. We had split pea and ham soup. I was really really craving toast. Normally for me carbs are a big no no at night... so I would usually just have way more soup. But I would never be satisfied. So I had a tiny cup of soup and one piece of light wheat toast with butter spray. And then I was done. And I got my delicious toast.

So the boy who took me on that great date is coming down from the city tomorrow to see me. He wants to bake with me. He knows I bake a MEAN cake. Problem: I hate baking with other people. For several reasons. 1. I don't trust anyone to figure it out. They always mess it up. 2. Baking is super personal to me. It's something I love and while I'll bake FOR anyone I won't bake WITH anyone. 3. Baking is my decompress time. It's my me time. I don't want someone encroaching on my me time. 4. I don't want to eat that crap anyways.

So the date plan is this: Bake cheesecake brownies. While they are baking we can play cards or something. Then when they are done we will go get some supper. Then when we get back they should be cool and he can try one. Then I pop a lid on that puppy and say they're all yours, bon voyage. I'm trying to look forward to it but it seems more like a chore I have to do.

I dunno. He's a really good person. Cute, funny, and he opens doors and took me on a fantastic date. But I'm just so indifferent. Two good people but it just isn't clicking. I guess that happens sometimes. Maybe that's why I am sorta dreading it. I don't want to have an awkward moment where he tries to push it further or anything. I'm bad at talking about my feelings. I'm bad at saying no. I'm bad at boundaries. I usually stay far away so I don't have to deal with it.

This post is sickly long. I need to stop. I'm sure everyone's eyes are BURNING. Love you lovelies. Have a great Wednesday. :)



1 comment:

  1. I know the feeling of complete indifference to boys. I sometimes wish that I could will myself into liking him, but then I'd pull away when he tried to kiss me and allegedly make a 'face'. Fuck it, you can't help it, I think it's best to just be honest and move the fuck along.