Thursday, 6 April 2017

So it's been a while.

I don't even know where to start.

So much has happened in the past few years. I don't know if anyone even reads these blogs anymore but I don't care. I just need a space to get all of this out.

I hit a breaking point a couple years back and decided I wanted to get better. I worked with a personal trainer and he gave me nutrition pointers and a work out regime. It started out good.... but he wanted me to triple my calorie intake. I literally was on the verge of puking every day. It was so much food. I stuck with it, and I got hella strong. Felt great. Got my period back. Went back to school and had an okay year. Honestly I became a monster and hooked up with way too many guys and their friends. I didn't give a damn about anyone but me. Went home for the summer again, and started dating this guy from the gym. He ignited a passion in me I haven't ever experienced before. Unfortunately, he wasn't somebody I could build a life with I don't think. Either that or I never gave him the chance. But we got attached to each other, and it kind of broke him when he found out I was leaving. It ripped me apart having to pack up my life again. It was impossible to leave, but I felt like back at school was where I needed to go to save myself.

Instantly back at school I am swept off my feet by a cute California surfer guy. He surfs, he skis, he does martial arts, and he thinks I am PERFECT. He asked me to be his after a week, and told me he loved me after two. He tells me he's everything he has ever needed or wanted, and he can't believe how lucky he is or how surreal it feels to have someone like me fall for someone like him. Until he decides I'm a cheater. and I shouldn't be allowed to have friends. or talk to guys. Or have snapchat. and he should be able to go through my phone. and control every waking moment of my life. And instead of spending time loving me, he spends his time berating me and ripping my heart to shreds. And then decides he wants to marry me. I agree, and start trying on wedding dresses. He's made me believe (and has told me) that no one will ever love me like he does. After months of agony, guilt, manipulation, fear, and torture, I somehow break free with the help of our mutual therapist (that he tricked me into going to as a couples session). We try to get back together 3 weeks later, and he tells me he has my ring in his drawer. And then comes about 8 hour trial by fire where he reduces me to tiny, ragged bits of myself, and I have nothing left to give him but tears. Then on Valentine's day he does this big fantastic show and tells me he will never leave me again, and he's in this forever. And I believe him. Like the idiot I am. A week later, he's not talking to me. And I see him with a girl in the front seat of his car. Since then he has tried to make me buy the engagement ring from him and return my birthday gifts.

So I say screw you and hooked up with my ex and a few new guys that I literally don't care about. I fill the void with different men in my bed and meaningless lust. I pretend I don't care. I chew them up and spit them out. I don't feel the need to care about them or their feelings.

And now I'm an empty shell if who I once was. I was so cut off from my world and my friends that I don't really have any left. I cry every day, and my heart has been shredded and stitched and ravaged so many times... I don't know if it even works anymore. The bandaids don't help. My bed is cold even when there's someone right beside me. I hate him for what he's done to me, what he's made me become. This year has not made me better. He has destroyed my soul. And I'm just so tired.

And on top of that..... I'm heavy again. I'm strong and have a lot of muscle, but I'm far too heavy. I miss the days when things made sense. when I knew who I was. When I hadn't been hung out to dry by the person who told me he would never leave me and would stand by me forever.... until he found out he couldn't change me. He couldn't bend me to his will, so he broke me instead. I am a shattered human, and I don't really know how to fix that or pick up the pieces. I don't want to die, but I don't have the will to LIVE.



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