Thursday, 9 January 2014

Thursday Morning Thoughts

I need to get out of my house. 

My sister is driving my absolutely INSANE. She is visiting from AZ where she lives with her new husband of a few months. She was supposed to visit for one week (arrived on my birthday. Happy effing birthday to me) and then she had a total fit the night before we were supposed to drive her to the airport. You know. Alarms set. Ticket payed for. Car gassed up. I was going to get up at like 530 so I could fit in a workout before we went. But nope, not on her watch. She decided to have a meltdown and let her ticket go to waste and not go home till THIS Monday. 

Am I the only one who finds the fact she is perfectly happy to be away from her husband (and her dog she apparently loves so much) for TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS just a little bit dysfunctional? I don't even know why she wants to be here. All she does is sit in her room. She comes down briefly to get food and then hidey holes back up till the next mealtime. 

I can't even talk to her. It's all so freakin superficial. Every time she talks I feel like she's trying to sell me something. And I can't even say anything back because the venom absolutely pours out of me. I'm the worst version of my self when she's around. I can't even help it. 

Sometimes I just stare at her when she's talking. And the only thought in my head is "How are you alive right now?" Like... how does someone with that kind of deluded thought process even exist? It's amazing to me. 

Most of my parent's time and energy is going into my little brother right now. There is so much worship of that kid it's a little bit sick. My dad is a complete fanatic. He's just convinced he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. And CLEARLY an athletic prodigy (ha.)... No dad. He's not going to get scouted for basketball to college. He's a good athlete. But I can think of 20 things off the top of my head he would rather do than shoot hoops. He doesn't love the game. Just. Let. It. Go.

Sometimes it makes me crazy. It makes me want to do something. Something I know is bad for me. Like... go hook up with my totally slutty ex. I was about a hair away from sending that text last night. But my brain is too far ahead of my heart (or my va-.... nevermind) and I knew I would seriously regret it. What is it about being ignored that makes us crave misbehaviour? 

It's weird. When no one's watching we have all these urges to do things in secret.... but deep down we just want someone to notice that something's not right. Somehow I feel like even if things got really bad for me again they wouldn't see it anyway. Hell, I've been home for months and they've never noticed Mia moved in with me. Maybe they don't want to see.

I wonder if anyone actually knows. Isabella sure doesn't. She'd be right on me telling me to go to the shrink. She already thinks I should for my "body dysmorphia". She just thinks I don't eat enough. She knows I haven't had a period in FOREVER. She's always telling me I'm underweight. And you know what? That's one of the only things that makes me smile these days. 




  1. Why don't parents ever see what they're supposed to see? Mine is dumb as rocks when it comes to all this stuff. But I'm still terrified of a day when I slip up and he finds out. I don't want the questions, and I don't want their help.

    Sisters have a way of making us crazy. I do the same thing to my sister, whenever she speaks I just can't understand how she could be so dumb, so unaware of the world. She brings out all the meanness and pettiness in me. Sisters are like a challenge, a test to see who best knows how to bite her tongue.

    When she goes home again it'll be nice not to think of her as much, I'm sure. She'll be out of sight, out of mind, as they say.


  2. I'm sorry you don't get along with your sister. It does seem a little iffy that she's spending so long away from her new husband... Maybe things aren't going so well, especially if she's hiding away most of the time.

    I think being ignored makes us crave misbehavior because it's such an un-ignorable action to be reckless. Please do try to keep yourself safe though. It can be hard to ignore an ED, but maybe they just don't want to see it. I've read that your mom struggles with an ED too. Maybe she just can't deal with the fact you're struggling too.

    Take care dear. You'll be in my thoughts, and I hope things improve once your sister goes home.


  3. I suppose it is hard for our families to realise what is going on because we are so secretive in the first place. I binge and purge up to four times per day - my parents hardly ever find out. They think I am throwing up maybe once a few weeks??...
    it is rather ironic because we try everything to hide our eating disorders from people, yet we blame them for not noticing at the same time.

    I hope things get better for you soon...
    Take care hun.

  4. sisters are insane. parents are insane. and brothers can be insane, but most of the time, i think they're pretty decent. when your sister leaves, make sure you have lots of fun. and you have problems with the lines of communication between your brain and va-nevermind? jinkies. i thought it was just me. :p

    you know, i think we want to be left alone, but not completely. we want to be seen, but stay invisible. or maybe we just want people to start paying a bit more attention to the people they claim to care about. who knows? maybe we're just odd. c'est la vie, non? don't let any of it get to you, ace xx