My sister is driving my absolutely INSANE. She is visiting from AZ where she lives with her new husband of a few months. She was supposed to visit for one week (arrived on my birthday. Happy effing birthday to me) and then she had a total fit the night before we were supposed to drive her to the airport. You know. Alarms set. Ticket payed for. Car gassed up. I was going to get up at like 530 so I could fit in a workout before we went. But nope, not on her watch. She decided to have a meltdown and let her ticket go to waste and not go home till THIS Monday.
Am I the only one who finds the fact she is perfectly happy to be away from her husband (and her dog she apparently loves so much) for TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS just a little bit dysfunctional? I don't even know why she wants to be here. All she does is sit in her room. She comes down briefly to get food and then hidey holes back up till the next mealtime.
I can't even talk to her. It's all so freakin superficial. Every time she talks I feel like she's trying to sell me something. And I can't even say anything back because the venom absolutely pours out of me. I'm the worst version of my self when she's around. I can't even help it.
Sometimes I just stare at her when she's talking. And the only thought in my head is "How are you alive right now?" Like... how does someone with that kind of deluded thought process even exist? It's amazing to me.
Most of my parent's time and energy is going into my little brother right now. There is so much worship of that kid it's a little bit sick. My dad is a complete fanatic. He's just convinced he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. And CLEARLY an athletic prodigy (ha.)... No dad. He's not going to get scouted for basketball to college. He's a good athlete. But I can think of 20 things off the top of my head he would rather do than shoot hoops. He doesn't love the game. Just. Let. It. Go.
Sometimes it makes me crazy. It makes me want to do something. Something I know is bad for me. Like... go hook up with my totally slutty ex. I was about a hair away from sending that text last night. But my brain is too far ahead of my heart (or my va-.... nevermind) and I knew I would seriously regret it. What is it about being ignored that makes us crave misbehaviour?
It's weird. When no one's watching we have all these urges to do things in secret.... but deep down we just want someone to notice that something's not right. Somehow I feel like even if things got really bad for me again they wouldn't see it anyway. Hell, I've been home for months and they've never noticed Mia moved in with me. Maybe they don't want to see.
I wonder if anyone actually knows. Isabella sure doesn't. She'd be right on me telling me to go to the shrink. She already thinks I should for my "body dysmorphia". She just thinks I don't eat enough. She knows I haven't had a period in FOREVER. She's always telling me I'm underweight. And you know what? That's one of the only things that makes me smile these days.