It's a place I frequent as of late.
So I went to this thing yesterday... it was like a Ball. You get a date, dress up, and go dance. Fun, right? Sort of. I got asked on Wednesday by this boy in my Institute Class.... He's cute and nice. Seems like a great arrangement.... until you account for a few other things. This OTHER guy (we're going to call him B) I've been friends with... well I've had like 3 separate people be like OMG Ace you two should get together. And I'm all trying to play it nice and cool being like "He's really cool! So we'll see." But somehow I just don't think he thinks I'm cool enough to date.
It's confusing. Like he's super nice to me in both public and private. He has nicknames for me (that aren't derogatory..) and he texts me a lot and whenever we are in groups together he always hangs out with me. And he's always really close to me... if not touching me. But... I was at his house for a party one night and he was like (to me and my friend who told me I should date him) are you guys going to the Ball? And we weren't sure yet and so we asked if he was going. He said NO..... I have something really important to do that night. So my friend is all maybe he'll ask you! And he didn't. And he was there. With some kinda trampy looking girl. And he gave me a quick awkward head nod/wave and that was it. Along with some other unfortunate mishaps that night it culminated to a big fat failure of a Friday. And my feet killed from being in 4 inch heels all night.
... And then the meltdown began. I was so angry I was basically yelling at myself. Which is fine, because my apartment is (surprise surprise) empty. Isabella is gone AGAIN. I didn't dare eat anything, which was the biggest success of the day. So I was left with my own thoughts.. which went a little like....
FFS Ace. Why WOULD he like you? You think you're the exception to the rule? HA! You're no different than anyone else in this bloody town. Just as mediocre. Just a piece of meat who can't stop stuffing her face. You're a girl with an eating disorder who's not even that skinny. Awesome.
And then I cried. Hard.
And then I prayed. For peace. For strength. For comfort. To get through the night. Then, out of no where... my cousin texted me that he wanted to make breakfast with me the next morning. I made scratch wheat pancakes... with fresh strawberries and scrambled eggs. I had two small ones, with lots of strawberries and some diet syrup. And some eggs. My cousin had 6 with 100% pure maple syrup. And berries and eggs. It was nice having another body in this house. Nicer than I realized it would be.
So now.. I'm past square one with my weight. I'm at like... square one and a half. Square one with boys. Square one with friends. Square TWO with school... and square two with God. I'm trying really hard to have more trust. I didn't want to pray last night, but I knew I needed it. And I ended up having a lovely time with my cousin.
My headache is back, I'll need another round of caffeine. Sorry I haven't been around much ladies. I'm still reading all of you and keeping as up to date as I can. I love you all. And I love your comments. It means a lot.
Love,
Ace
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The worst thing that can ever happen to someone (and I absolutely hate this) is when we kill ourselves to get thin for guys and they end up turning around and dating somebody who just eats and eats.
ReplyDeleteSome of the girls in my class that are naturally skinny complain that they don't have enough food in their lunch and say that they can't live without food. I always want to turn around around and say "well I go nearly everyday without food and you don't see me complaining about it".
I'm not at all religious but I do believe that that was a sign of hope from God when your cousin called right after your prayer.
It's good to hear that you had a good time with your cousin. I know what it's like to not want anyone over. Alot of the time my friend Micky will want to come over but she can be rude most of the time and It's just not that fun to have her around, but the other day I had my other friend over and we actually had a good time.
I'm sure you'll get better with your weight, friends and boys. Good luck!