I had a cup of homemade chili with skim cheese and two huge plates of green salad with a drizzle of diet dressing for lunch today..... 

.... I'm not sure how that's gunna go over. I feel massive. 

House(sitting)bound.

Uhm. I'm so bored. I am so sick of babysitting. The girl is sick so all she is doing is watching movies... Which is fine, but I'm bored and lonely and just want to go home. Using the time to study though.... 

Yesterday I went back up to 114.5 (????) and today I'm down to 113.75. Sigh. It's so annoying when there is so little progress and you are fighting for every quarter of a pound. Looks like there's gunna be no splurge meal this week. 

I also did something stupid. I got Wendy's for lunch. I usually just get a chili salad and pick off the cheese and not use the dressing. I got this great idea today that I would get a half size apple pecan chicken and a small chili to be even more calorie conscious.... I picked off the blue cheese they drowned it in (gross) and used just a few drizzles of vinegarette. But being the genius I am I ate the whole packet of toasty pecans. So the whole meal came out to 466 cals. Disgusting. Can't even believe it. My breakfast was around 200-250 today (Greek yogurt and fruit). So I'm already clocking in at 716. Sigh. Not much wiggle room for the rest of the night. Oh well. At least I ate early. My plan is to hopefully go to bed STARVING tonight and see if that whittles down the number any. I just want to get this weight off. 

 All signed up at the gym and I went super early yesterday. It's right by my house ad work so it's really convenient. 

I can't wait to start work. I'm so bored sitting around the house. Board certification exams round one are next week.... Hopefully I can make a dent in this weight by then so I will be not so stressed about eating those two days. I cant afford to be fuzzy or lightheaded from restricting. I paid too much money to flunk these cuz I wouldn't just get over it and have a bowl of oatmeal. 

Can't believe it's February already! I would love to be under 110 by March. 

X

Ace

Just a quick check in.

I was 113.25 before the weekend... but I've creeped back up to 113.5. I've been there for two days so hopefully today I can take a chunk out of that.

I'm housesitting starting today until Monday night. It shouldn't be too bad... They are both in school so I will have mornings to myself (namely to go home and study).. and my brother has a bunch of basketball games we can go to most nights.

So yay! Hopefully I get paid a decent amount. The mom stocked the fridge with tons of frozen crap food the kids always get when they get when the parents go away (taquitos, pizza pops, french fries...). She left me money on the counter to go buy whatever I wanted (SWEET) so I'll definitely be doing that....

My little twin nephews are coming over soon. Joy unbounded. They will probably be here all day. I better go get some breakfast or something.

Hope you are all having great weeks <3

x

Ace

Kind of REALLY frustrated.

So I was 115.25 for like 4 days so I thought... ok. Day 5. This will be my big drop. I'll dip into the 114's. HA no. I was 115.75 this morning. I haven't eaten more than 900 cals for days.

Weight loss is supposed to be simple math right? Calories in, calories out. My BMR alone should more than take care of 900 cals. Well what the hell. I've worked out once if not twice every day and kept my calories down. I've drank water, not eaten late, and not eaten junk. I've been watching my meat intake and have done a bunch of vegetarian meals. Hardly ANY carbs... mostly in the form of fruit.

Hope you all have a more encouraging morning than mine.

x

Ace

Reset.

So I decided to just get it over with and get out my own scale. Resetting all my numbers.

I gained the same amount I thought I did... but my scale I can just weigh ONCE and not have to keep readjusting it. My mom's doesn't zero out properly and it's 5 lbs lighter....

So my SW is officially 115.75 lbs. Makes sense. My lowest weight was 105... But more comfortable around 106. So about 10 lbs.

I haven't gained since yesterday (I weighed on my mom's scale first this morning...109.5 :\) and I DID have a a super salty dinner yesterday. Vietnamese. Shrimp in a salty spicy sauce with LOTS of lettuce and cucumber and bean sprout salad. So lots of fiber too. Might just be retaining. I hope?...

That boy came down yesterday. That's why we went out to dinner. We baked cheesecake brownies. And talked. It was fun!.... but I still don't think I like him THAT way. More as a friend. But nothing more. I didn't eat ANY of the brownies. Sent them all home with him. :)

I hope I have a drop soon. I haven't had one yet... My goal today is going to be less than 1000 cals. I haven't eaten anything yet... I probably should get some breakfast. I'll adjust my goal weights and then go do it.

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday. Happy weekend :)

x

Ace

Willowy Wednesday

Ha. Not Willowy yet... but soon. I hope.

Yesterday was a vast improvement from Monday. I counted my intake calories... Monday was clocking in at around 1500. Disgusting. And as such my weight was up on Tuesday. But YESTERDAY my calories were around 770. So by halving my calories I'm down to 108 today. First goal: reached.

I am rethinking my whole mindset. I was looking thru thinspo the other day and I read this quote. And it said "Once you taste success it becomes addicting." SO true. Bad days happen. But berating myself doesn't motivate me. Success does. When I see that lower number on the scale or I see how few calories I've eaten it makes me feel strong. It makes me feel powerful. Like I can keep going. And starving. And restricting. And going to bed hungry is the best feeling in the world.

Funny how that is. When I'm skinny I love being hungry. I love going to bed empty. When I'm fat... I can't stand being hungry. I can't sleep when my tummy growls.

When I'm skinny the world makes sense. I have order. I have purpose. And it's coming back. The first goal reached is a nice milestone. Now it's time for real fat loss. I've gotta buckle down. Less than 1000 calories EVERY day.

I've also had an epiphany as to why just doing South Beach won't let me lose the weight. South Beach is for super fat people who are obese and eat terrible. It won't let me be underweight. Especially with unlimited proteins. I've realized... it doesn't REALLY matter what I eat as long as I don't eat a lot. I just have to stay on my calorie budget and work out. Like yesterday. For supper. We had split pea and ham soup. I was really really craving toast. Normally for me carbs are a big no no at night... so I would usually just have way more soup. But I would never be satisfied. So I had a tiny cup of soup and one piece of light wheat toast with butter spray. And then I was done. And I got my delicious toast.

So the boy who took me on that great date is coming down from the city tomorrow to see me. He wants to bake with me. He knows I bake a MEAN cake. Problem: I hate baking with other people. For several reasons. 1. I don't trust anyone to figure it out. They always mess it up. 2. Baking is super personal to me. It's something I love and while I'll bake FOR anyone I won't bake WITH anyone. 3. Baking is my decompress time. It's my me time. I don't want someone encroaching on my me time. 4. I don't want to eat that crap anyways.

So the date plan is this: Bake cheesecake brownies. While they are baking we can play cards or something. Then when they are done we will go get some supper. Then when we get back they should be cool and he can try one. Then I pop a lid on that puppy and say they're all yours, bon voyage. I'm trying to look forward to it but it seems more like a chore I have to do.

I dunno. He's a really good person. Cute, funny, and he opens doors and took me on a fantastic date. But I'm just so indifferent. Two good people but it just isn't clicking. I guess that happens sometimes. Maybe that's why I am sorta dreading it. I don't want to have an awkward moment where he tries to push it further or anything. I'm bad at talking about my feelings. I'm bad at saying no. I'm bad at boundaries. I usually stay far away so I don't have to deal with it.

This post is sickly long. I need to stop. I'm sure everyone's eyes are BURNING. Love you lovelies. Have a great Wednesday. :)

x

Ace

Ahhhhh.....

It's Monday. It's a new week. I'm 108.75. Worked out. Made the brother a great breakfast and sent him off to his diploma exam. I get the house to myself today. The sister is gone.

Can't complain about that :)

She's gone. I lived. WOW. I can't believe it. I got straight up uninvited to the trip down to the airport/overnight hotel stay with them... She was working on her wedding thank you's while she was here... She wrote one for me. But left it on the kitchen table. Didn't even give it to me. The card said.... "Thank you for the beautiful baking gift! We can't wait to use them!" How about: Thanks for being my Maid of Honour because I have no friends. Thanks for doing the toast to the bride since no one else I asked would do it. Thanks for making me seem like a decent human being with some redeeming qualities. Thanks for all the help setting up my wedding, going to my appointments, working on table placements and making all the decisions I should have been making myself. Thanks for doing all the cleaning and the cooking and shopping I should have had an equal hand in. Thanks for running errands because I clearly can't do anything myself (seeing as I don't have a driver's license). Thanks for not being as awful to me as I have been to you and the rest of our family.

Rant: over.

The weight is probably MOOOOOSTLY water weight. But who cares. It's going down. Now I think the hard part is gunna happen. Where I actually have to lose FAT. Not WATER.

I think the best is gunna be to have my biggest meal be lunch. And my smallest be dinner. Medium breakfasts, tiny snacks. Clean foods. Lots of water and tea and caffeine.

Breakfast today was a beautiful fruit salad. Cantaloup, strawberries, blueberries and blackberries. I might have some yogurt in a bit. I've discovered the most amazing dessert/snack ever. Greek yogurt + cocoa powder + peanut flour + splenda or stevia. Stir stir stir. Pop it in the freezer for as long as you can stand not eating it. A VERY high protein, VERY low fat and creamy delicious sweet treat. It's so good I could hardly stand it when I tried it. Try it. Your life will be changed.


.... I just made myself some.  Didn't even put it in the freezer. So friggin good. Note to self: work on self control.

What are everyone's feelings on greek yogurt?... it's like a staple in my food these days. I eat it all the freakin time. 0% plain of course. But holy is it ever good. What are everyone's safe foods? Fear foods? Has it changed before?... I think I'll make a new tab. It'd be nice to have a list on here.

Hope everyone's Monday is a good omen for this week. Love you beauties.

x

Ace