Promises Promises

So, I promised. I got on the scale.

111. Holy balls. And that's on the "nice" scale. So it's more than that. Butttt I've decided that I'm just gunna go with that scale and not even think about mine. It's in the garage anyways. I'll dig it out and switch over when I get a little lower on this one. Baby steps, y'all.

I didn't pick the best day to get on the scale. After that B/P session yesterday my parents ordered takeout. I just had protein and shredded lettuce and cucumber (vietnamese) but that stuff is pretty salty. I can still taste it in my mouth a bit after brushing my teeth twice. Plus for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to drink a ton of diet soda. Which is all salt. I'm thinking I'm retaining some water today (durp... o.O)

I went for a run this morning in the cold. I can honestly say I have missed it. The treadmill and elliptical is NO substitute for that cold burn in your lungs. I bet I will feel a lot better if I just get running outside again.

So. I have 11 pounds to lose. I can do this. I just have to go back to the basics.

Veggies and Fruit
Fewer Carbs
Go to Bed Hungry
Nothing After 7 pm
Lean Proteins
Lots of Water

I wanna shy away from Mia too... It just gives me an excuse to eat crap I don't need. And that can't be good for my body.

HAWAII!!! Ughhhh I'm so excited!! Thanks for the feedback girls. I think I'll make it a goal to post. Hawaii would so not be worth it if I'm not confident enough to take pictures and REMEMBER it. I don't want to look back and be like... oh yeah. I really wish I had just tried harder to eat clean before I left. I wish I hadn't caved so much. I wish I wish I wish. I wishes SUCK. First and foremost I don't wanna disappoint myself... but I'd like to share my progress too. I wanna make y'all proud :)

Anyway. My little brother just came in. He wants Nutella stuffed pancakes. I make them for him every Saturday. We bought him this 11 pound Nutella jar for Christmas.... and so I'm making Nutella everything. HEY. I just realized. That's how much I need to lose. And that thing is effing massive.

..... Ew. That's motivation if I ever saw it.

Love you girls.

x

Ace

Post B/P

Hate myself when I do this. Eat less at lunch so I figure I can have a little mini treat. And then I have more. And more. AAAAAND more. Dammit. 

No. NO. Stahp Ace, just stahp. 

I'm now screening calls from a boy I went out with. I figured he could leave me a message if he wanted. No message. Oh well. I really wasn't feeling it anyways. He's super nice and cute and took me on a great date.... but no spark. No crush. No nothing. And call me crazy buuuuut I kinda am wanting to feel that again. Like, I'd go out with him again sure. But I wasn't really dying to talk to him at this precise moment. I can just see that conversation. "Hey! What are you up to?" "Ohhh nothing. Just stuffed my face with cake and am working on reversing all that damage. Hold on while I run to the bathroom quick." Yeah. Nah, I'm good. Roll it to voicemail please and thank you. 

Anyway. We are going to Hawaii for Easter this year. There's my motivation for being good. Even better, maybe I should promise to post bikini pictures on here. Then I'll be in trouble if I don't. What do y'all think? It'll be my first time putting pics of myself up. Nervous, but this is probably the best place to do it. I'm sure y'all will all be sweet to me. Let me down easy XD haha!

Honestly I don't know how I'm going to be brave enough. I'm too scared to even get on the scale these days. Let alone put on a bikini. And take pictures. And post them. Oh man. I need to get a grip and just get on the scale. It always just seems so hopeless when it's always the same number though. I feel like weight loss for me never works unless I do serious serious restriction. I'm always 108 on my mom's scale, which is more like 113 with my evil scale. I went a whole week eating NOTHING but veggies and protein and guess what happened? Diddly squat. Firm at 108. Makes me frustrated. And then I go well eff it I may as well eat what I want. And then I regret it and purge which ISN'T helping me at all. 

Blah blah blah. Complain complain. Put on your big girl panties Ace. 

2 more days with the sister. I feel a bit like a monster for looking forward to the quiet.

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. Made me feel so much better :) Jax, Bella, SweetandsoUr and missinsanity <3 you are all so amazing and smart and wonderful. 

I'm going to get on the scale tomorrow morning. I'm going to. I promise. I'm going to get on the scale. Post my weight. Make new goals. Stop caving. Drink lots of fluids. I'm still working out so I don't need to worry much about that. It's time for a bit of a revamp I think.

x

Ace

Thursday Morning Thoughts

I need to get out of my house. 

My sister is driving my absolutely INSANE. She is visiting from AZ where she lives with her new husband of a few months. She was supposed to visit for one week (arrived on my birthday. Happy effing birthday to me) and then she had a total fit the night before we were supposed to drive her to the airport. You know. Alarms set. Ticket payed for. Car gassed up. I was going to get up at like 530 so I could fit in a workout before we went. But nope, not on her watch. She decided to have a meltdown and let her ticket go to waste and not go home till THIS Monday. 

Am I the only one who finds the fact she is perfectly happy to be away from her husband (and her dog she apparently loves so much) for TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS just a little bit dysfunctional? I don't even know why she wants to be here. All she does is sit in her room. She comes down briefly to get food and then hidey holes back up till the next mealtime. 

I can't even talk to her. It's all so freakin superficial. Every time she talks I feel like she's trying to sell me something. And I can't even say anything back because the venom absolutely pours out of me. I'm the worst version of my self when she's around. I can't even help it. 

Sometimes I just stare at her when she's talking. And the only thought in my head is "How are you alive right now?" Like... how does someone with that kind of deluded thought process even exist? It's amazing to me. 

Most of my parent's time and energy is going into my little brother right now. There is so much worship of that kid it's a little bit sick. My dad is a complete fanatic. He's just convinced he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. And CLEARLY an athletic prodigy (ha.)... No dad. He's not going to get scouted for basketball to college. He's a good athlete. But I can think of 20 things off the top of my head he would rather do than shoot hoops. He doesn't love the game. Just. Let. It. Go.

Sometimes it makes me crazy. It makes me want to do something. Something I know is bad for me. Like... go hook up with my totally slutty ex. I was about a hair away from sending that text last night. But my brain is too far ahead of my heart (or my va-.... nevermind) and I knew I would seriously regret it. What is it about being ignored that makes us crave misbehaviour? 

It's weird. When no one's watching we have all these urges to do things in secret.... but deep down we just want someone to notice that something's not right. Somehow I feel like even if things got really bad for me again they wouldn't see it anyway. Hell, I've been home for months and they've never noticed Mia moved in with me. Maybe they don't want to see.

I wonder if anyone actually knows. Isabella sure doesn't. She'd be right on me telling me to go to the shrink. She already thinks I should for my "body dysmorphia". She just thinks I don't eat enough. She knows I haven't had a period in FOREVER. She's always telling me I'm underweight. And you know what? That's one of the only things that makes me smile these days. 

x

Ace

Meltdown

I've GOT to get a grip. Like.... holy crap. I'm an even 1/4-1/2 an inch bigger EVERYWHERE.

I'm panicked and flustered. I need to find my grounding again. So upset... it takes so long for me to lose weight. I'm terrified to get on the scale and see exactly how bad the damage is.

The very tops of my thighs touch. It's awful to admit. It's awful to say it out loud.

I don't even think I've been eating that much more lately. Sure I've had some more dessert lately. It's the holidays.

Maybe I don't need to stress out that much. Maybe I just need to stop eating late at night and keep up on working out. I never took a break from the treadmill/elliptical.... so I guess that's good.

I feel bloated and full. All the time. I just want to feel empty again.

xo

Ace

Oh no.

It happened.

Gained back 5 pounds. A solid 5 pounds.

....And it's real.

No "water weight" or "salt retention"...

Pure. Real. Stubborn. Ugly. Weight.



I have to get it off.



This is just awful :(


xo

Ace

Back Again.

Hey lovelies.

It's been forever. I have missed you :)

Home for a two week break... and a ticked booked to go see my sister in Utah next week.

Weight wise... I'm higher than I would like to be. But I am staying about the same and I feel a bit better lately. I fluctuate from 107-109 usually... which I guess isn't too far from where I was. I think if I REALLY wanted I could get back down to 105 again... but I'm just not feeling it lately. Maybe sometime soon.

I'm keeping up on my running and my measurements are fine too... so I'm just going to try not to worry too much about it.



..... I'm still tight with Mia though :/

Disappointed with that. I've been trying to see her less... it was at least once (if not more) a night for a while.

I'm trying to find ways to just be happy. I feel like all I am is stressed out. Like I live off it. Stress and deadlines have been my driving life force for a long time. I think I feel like if I'm not stressed and holding my life in a chokehold then it will all fall apart. If I don't weigh every day my weight will creep up while I'm not watching. If I miss a run all my fat will come back. If I do bad on this test then I won't graduate. If I don't do the BEST on this test then I won't graduate. And then I won't get a job. Well, if I get a job I'll be bad at it. If I don't get married by this age then I'll suddenly get old and be alone forever.  If I'm not the best then I'm just another loser. Obstacle after obstacle with no reprieve in sight.

Sometimes I don't think I want to get better. I don't want to have a healthy head. I don't want to give up Mia and Ana and all of it. If I am happy with me... then that means that I'll gain all the weight back. And I'll be ugly. I know I shouldn't define myself like that... but I like being thin. I like wearing the smallest sizes. I like not being able to share my clothes. I like when people comment on how great I look and how they marvel that I'm not 500 pounds with all the dessert I eat (thanks Mia, you're the best.)

It makes me feel like I'm living a lie. Like I'm completely enveloped in this beautiful illusion of carelessness. I try to make it seem effortless. Beautiful. Simple. Like I don't really notice it. But some days I would love to just tell everyone who asks me the real truth. How do I stay skinny? I run. I drink water. I purge.

 I wish I was good enough to just eat what I eat and not have to puke it all up. Something will have to give. If I want to stay like this I'll have to stop eating so much dessert... or I'll have to keep purging. Both options suck from where I'm standing.

Anyways. I hope everyone is being safe and strong.

Thanks for all the lovely comments y'all left me. Makes me feel missed :) Welcome to all the new readers. I hope you find something you're looking for.

XOXO

Ace <3

UGW. Reached?

104.75 on MY scale today. Which means I've reached my UGW.

I'm not going to count it unless it's at least two days in a row. Could be just a funny water balance or something.

My roommate works at Curves, and they have one of those body fat calculators. Like the ones that you put in your height and weight and then grip the sides of the wheel-thing?... Yeah. I've never heard of them either.

Apparently my body fat is 12.8%... seems low for what I see in the mirror. My thighs don't touch at all now anymore, I suppose that is good. I dunno. I still feel about the same.

My clothes are almost all too loose, even my thin jeans are starting to look a little ridiculous.

My mom and dad are a little worried I think. My mom says that I better not lose anything else by Christmas... She's threatened to weigh me. I already lied about how much I weigh to her. She thinks I'm  about 7 lbs heavier than I am. And my dad kinda got horrified when he hugged me (You're so freaking skinny...)

Honestly, I don't really WANT to lose any more weight by Christmas. Too much pressure to stay down. But the problem is I don't know how to maintain. I either go up or I go down. I want to just STAY. I'd even be happy at 106.

I don't even think I eat that different than how I used to... like when I was 10 lbs heavier.

Breakfast: Oatmeal and Unsweetened Almond Milk
Lunch: Big Salad with Extra Lean Taco Beef and Refried Bean (or another meat)
Supper: Same as Lunch, or Stir Fry. Or I'll sub a dessert. Like a piece of leftover cake... Sometimes popcorn and melted chocolate.

Lots of water. Lots of diet soda. If I have cake I usually puke some of it up. Sometimes I have both dinner AND dessert... but in that case I purge at least a little.

I'm not really sure how to stabilize myself and my eating. I'd like to. I'd like to stay right here.

Love,

Ace

x